Fusion Scientist

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01
   

   Dad

   Well, gang, I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have everyone together for the holidays.

2. 00:06
   

   Mom

   We are so lucky to have two beautiful boys. Sorry, men.

3. 00:11
   

   Dad

   And there is so much to be thankful for this Christmas.

4. 00:14

   Family Member

   Here, here.

5. 00:15
   

   Mom

   We love our little family.

6. 00:18

   Family Member

   We sure do.

7. 00:20
   

   Dad

   And we have an extra reason to celebrate.

8. 00:24

   Family Member

   Did you guys see in the news about this giant breakthrough with nuclear fusion?

9. 00:30
   

   Mom

   Uh, no, no, let me brag. Our Benjamin here is one of the scientists in the lab that did the experiment.

10. 00:37

    Family Member

    Oh, no way! Benjamin, you're part of the nuclear fusion team?

11. 00:41
    

    Benjamin

    Just a small part.

12. 00:42
    

    Mom

    No, don't be modest, Benjamin. He operated 192 lasers that fused hydrogen atoms together.

13. 00:51

    Family Member

    Oh! That's very impressive, Benjamin.

14. 00:54
    

    Benjamin

    Mom, it's really a team effort, and we're building on years of existing technology and research.

15. 00:59
    

    Edgar

    I do stuff, too. Benjamin's not the only one that does stuff. I do stuff, too.

16. 01:08
    

    Mom

    Yes, of course you do, honey. We're just congratulating your brother because this is a big moment for him. I mean, this could power the entire world with clean energy.

17. 01:18
    

    Edgar

    I mean, do you even know how many pizzas I delivered yesterday? How many mouths I fed? No, because you don't even care that I deliver pizzas.

18. 01:28
    

    Mom

    well that's great too Edgar

19. 01:31
    

    Dad

    yeah pizza's really cool good job Edgar yeah

20. 01:34
    

    Mom

    except well honey the pizza place called and said you actually didn't deliver any of the pizzas

21. 01:41
    

    Edgar

    I got lost okay the houses were on different streets and I got confused sorry I don't have 192 lasers to do to my job for me.

22. 01:52
    

    Dad

    Well, I'm just surprised they let you drive again after that sixth DUI.

23. 01:58
    

    Edgar

    They didn't. I had to take Ubers between the pizza shop and the houses. I lost so much money, and you guys don't even care.

24. 02:08
    

    Mom

    It's okay, pal. We know you're trying your best. We're just acknowledging that your brother was part of a huge scientific breakthrough.

25. 02:15
    

    Edgar

    Oh, so he creates a little energy and he's a hero, but I sell tons of ketamine and I'm a criminal?

26. 02:24
    

    Benjamin

    Edgar's right. I'm not a hero. I was just doing my job as an astrophysicist.

27. 02:30
    

    Edgar

    Yeah, yeah. And he's not Mr. Perfect either. Look, he's drinking.

28. 02:33
    

    Benjamin

    Well, he's having one glass of red wine.

29. 02:36
    

    Edgar

    You've had ten beers.

30. 02:38
    

    Benjamin

    That you know of.

31. 02:39
    

    Mom

    Edgar! what has gotten into

32. 02:42
    

    Edgar

    This family never appreciates me. I'm up every day at 5 a.m.

33. 02:48
    

    Dad

    Yeah, to pee. and then you go back to sleep until 11.

34. 02:53
    

    Edgar

    You guys never went to any of my soccer games.

35. 02:56
    

    Dad

    Because you got cut on the first day. You kept picking up the ball with your hands and throwing it in your own goal. Then you yelled, this sport is for filthy South Americans and you keyed your coach's car.

36. 03:08
    

    Edgar

    You see, nothing I ever do is good enough. I interned on movie sets and you never supported me.

37. 03:15
    

    Dad

    Those were pornos.

38. 03:17
    

    Mom

    You interned on pornos.

39. 03:19
    

    Edgar

    well they need coffee too maybe even more than regular actors I think you're just a little jealous of what his dumb perfect jawline and his sparkly blue eyes be honest who's actually hotter me or Benjamin

40. 03:37
    

    Mom

    Benjamin

41. 03:38
    

    Edgar

    okay fine but who's smarter

42. 03:42
    

    Mom

    Benjamin I mean I'm sorry honey but he just is all

43. 03:45
    

    Edgar

    right fine but can Can Benjamin do this?

44. 03:51
    

    Dad

    I, uh, I don't think you quite did it, bud.

45. 03:55
    

    Mom

    Yeah, the leg is supposed to go through the other leg.

46. 03:58

    Family Member

    And I'm sorry, I'm noticing that you're wearing a diaper.

47. 04:03
    

    Edgar

    To save time. So I don't have to be constantly going back and forth to the bathroom. God, nothing I ever do is good enough.

48. 04:10
    

    Mom

    All right, all right, enough. Edgar is right. We don't appreciate him.

49. 04:15
    

    Dad

    Because he is stupid.

50. 04:18
    

    Mom

    but he didn't have it so easy growing up not a lot of kids get kicked in the head by three horses I thought it was just one no it was three they took turns and you know what maybe he can't deliver pizzas or operate a microwave maybe he never graduated college or kindergarten maybe he's banned from the zoo for biting a flamingo it raised its leg at me and maybe he's a lost cause and we should just abandon him forever problem solved

51. 04:50
    

    Benjamin

    damn it maybe he's just inert like your hydrogen atom and all he needs is the right laser to just split him open and unleash the incredible potential that's locked inside because no matter what people say I say say he's my brother

52. 05:13
    

    Mom

    well adopted

53. 05:15
    

    Benjamin

    what

54. 05:16
    

    Edgar

    that's it forget this family i'm out of here

55. 05:20
    

    Mom

    did you just try to jump out the window and miss the window

56. 05:27
    

    Edgar

    that's it we're finishing this once and for all benjamin go ahead i'll even let you get the first so how many lasers was it again

57. 05:40
    

    Benjamin

    um 192