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Sniper Business

The Whitest Kids U'Know2008Season 2Episode 9
The Whitest Kids U'KnowWKUK
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A company founder handles a hostile merger the only way he knows how: from behind his office wall with a sniper rifle.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Junior employee Jenkins walks into Mr. Welburn's office with a routine request and finds his boss crouched beneath the window: rival firm Bergman-Sachs has posted a sniper across the street to stop a merger. Treating the standoff as a leadership lesson, Welburn makes Jenkins spot the shooter, sacrifices a coffee-carrying intern as a decoy and returns fire, then haggles over the deal by phone through a flashbang and his own mortar barrage. With terms agreed and a golf date set, he finally hears out Jenkins's request for a Friday off and refuses it.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 3

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.

Patience and sacrifice yield rewards.

I'll see you on the greens.

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

In the troupe's 2020 WKUK Talk About commentary, the cast recall that this was one of the few WKUK sketches shot in Los Angeles, filmed over a whole day with roughly a dozen camera setups, and that the intern's shot to the eye combined a post-production effect with an on-set blood rig.

ScriptEnglish · 31 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:03

    Jenkins

    Mr. Welburn, I had a question about my...

  2. 00:08

    Mr. Welburn

    Jenkins, get down!

  3. 00:10

    Jenkins

    What?

  4. 00:10

    Mr. Welburn

    Get down, for God's sakes! Jenkins? Jenkins, you're a good kid. How long have you been with the company?

  5. 00:25

    Jenkins

    Two years this May, sir.

  6. 00:27

    Mr. Welburn

    I started this company 45 years ago. Built this empire with my own bare hands. And I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, either. I started out in my father's tool shed. I won't lie to you, I had to claw my way to the top. Might have stepped on a few fingers and toes. Heck, may have even slit a few throats along the way. But that's business.

  7. 00:51

    Mr. Welburn

    I forged this corporation with my own blood and sweat. And it cost me two marriages, one heart attack, and every weekend of my life to get this company where it is today. And this morning I walk into my office and the sons of bitches over at Bergman Sachs put a sniper on the roof.

  8. 01:07

    Jenkins

    Come again, sir?

  9. 01:08

    Mr. Welburn

    A sniper. Trained killer, specializing in long distances. Quiet. Stealthy. But above all else, patient.

  10. 01:17

    Jenkins

    Sir, I don't think they would put a sniper on their roof.

  11. 01:20

    Mr. Welburn

    Sure they would. It's the right move. They don't want this merger to go through anymore in the Kaizukis, but they've got the cojones to actually do something about it. That's why they're number two. But let me show you why we're number one. Slide me that case behind the couch.

  12. 01:32

    Mr. Welburn

    you see You see, business is all about being able to adapt. tapped. You gotta learn how to roll with the punches. I'm gonna need you to pop up and give me a 20 on him.

  13. 01:47

    Jenkins

    What?

  14. 01:47

    Mr. Welburn

    I know he's on the 75th floor, but I can't figure out if he's the third or fourth window from the left.

  15. 01:53

    Jenkins

    Uh, okay.

  16. 01:54

    Mr. Welburn

    Now, don't worry. He's got a bead on me, so if you're quick, he won't have enough time to readjust. Now, go.

  17. 02:02

    Jenkins

    Oh my god, you're right. Oh my god, you're right. Holy smokes. He's the third window from the left.

  18. 02:08

    Mr. Welburn

    Julie could you send in one of the interns please? You see everything worthwhile takes sacrifice. You'd be good to remember that. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

  19. 02:19

    Intern

    More coffee sir?

  20. 02:24

    Jenkins

    Jesus!

  21. 02:24

    Mr. Welburn

    You see it takes about three and a half seconds to reload and trace another target which gives me an adequate window to fire off a couple rounds. Pure business. And that is a kill.

  22. 02:40

    Mr. Welburn

    You see? Patience and sacrifice yield rewards. Business. It's probably them now. I'll bet they want to talk.

  23. 02:52

    Mr. Welburn

    Calvin, you son of a bitch, nice try with that sniper. Yeah, you took out one of my coffee boys. I'll bet I scooped his head clear off. Now let's get down to brass tacks. This merger's going through whether you like it or not, but how much is it going to cost to keep you from tying things up in the trade commission?

  24. 03:10

    Jenkins

    flash bomb

  25. 03:12

    Mr. Welburn

    jenkins quiet down i'm on the phone

  26. 03:16

    Mr. Welburn

    10 is robbery and you know that meredith didn't even get five percent in the prenup what

  27. 03:30

    Mr. Welburn

    What i'm saying is five percent domestic one percent international and that's my final offer you

  28. 03:42

    Mr. Welburn

    You still there i'll bet we have a deal all right say hello to the mrs. for me uh-huh I'll see you on the greens

  29. 03:52

    Mr. Welburn

    business plain and simple now what was it that you came in here for

  30. 04:01

    Jenkins

    um my brother's getting married in two weeks and I was wondering if I could have that Friday as a vacation day would you sign my slip

  31. 04:10

    Mr. Welburn

    no

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