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CNN App
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
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The funny people
Meet the cast. 10
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Can you hear him getting fingerprinted?
You waited seven years for this indictment, and you want every delicious detail.
What ethnicity is Trump's judge again?
The premise
Here’s the bit.
An announcer tells stressed-out Trump haters that a mere indictment isn't enough comfort and sells CNZen, a meditation app that turns the arrest coverage into self-care. Familiar cable-news faces take turns narrating the downfall with gleeful relish: anchors gloat over a sad, defeated man and his small motorcade, a reporter whispers about his worst nightmare to lull a sleepless woman, and a senator's fundraising plea becomes a guilty pleasure of its own. Subscribers can add ASMR-style sounds of fingerprinting and gavels, and a paid upgrade has the district attorney read every felony count in a husky bedroom voice while a couple on a date lean in. The pitch closes with a dig at the case's perceived weakness and the promise that, in your mind, he's already in jail.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Speaker 1
These days, it's hard not to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure, Trump got indicted, but now everyone says the case against him is weak and that he'll never serve any jail time. As someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. You need to feel calm and reassured. You need the newest meditation app, CNZ. The only app that suits even the most militant liberals, with sensual details from Trump's arrest, featuring your favorite CNN anchors
- 00:28
Anderson Cooper
and correspondents. He's the first American president to ever be indicted. This is truly a historic and humiliating moment. Trump is a sad, defeated man.
- 00:38
Van Jones
They made him come from Florida, where it's 80 degrees, to New York, where it's only 60 degrees. How depressing for him.
- 00:46
Dana Bash
And his motorcade wasn't even that big. I thought it would be bigger, but it was so small.
- 00:53
Wolf Blitzer
Donald was all alone. No family or friends to support him. I shouldn't say this as a journalist, but what a loser.
- 01:04
Speaker 1
Let New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman soothe you to sleep.
- 01:07
Maggie Haberman
This is his worst nightmare, and he's really freaking out. Because now he knows there are consequences. Consequences.
- 01:16
Speaker 1
You can also listen to clips of Trump and his allies desperately spiraling.
- 01:20
Lindsey Graham
Please, Donald J. Trump is an innocent man, and he needs your help. send him all your money today at DonaldJTrumpRU slash FundraisingScam.Guilty.
- 01:35
Speaker 1
Trump's next court appearance won't be till at least December. That's why CNZ has a whole section of Trump indictment ASMR.
- 01:42
Maggie Haberman
Can you hear him getting fingerprinted? Ooh! And the DA opening his big leather briefcase. Ooh, and the little gavel from the judge. I wonder if you'll even hear handcuffs.
- 01:59
Speaker 1
with With additional in-app purchases, like audio erotica of District Attorney Alvin Bragg reading all 34 felony counts.
- 02:09
Alvin Bragg
Count one, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count two, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count three, falsifying business...
- 02:20
Speaker 1
I hope this couch isn't as flimsy as the DA's case. CNZ, because you waited seven years for this indictment. and you want every delicious detail. And what ethnicity is Trump's judge again?
- 02:34
Guy
Hispanic.
- 02:36
Speaker 1
CNZ, in your mind, he's already in jail.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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