Nail Gun

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03

   Oh

2. 00:04
   

   Mom

   Boys, boys, settle down, settle down, listen up. Your father and I are going to the store.

3. 00:10
   

   Dad

   To buy lubricant.

4. 00:10
   

   Mom

   Charles!

5. 00:11
   

   Dad

   And amyl nitrate. You see, boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we begin to grow tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extramarital affairs.

6. 00:22

   Ugh, Dan.

7. 00:23
   

   Dad

   Hey, hey, let me finish. So in order to avoid the pitfalls that beset so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial sex.

8. 00:31

   Oh, come on.

9. 00:32
   

   Dad

   Hey, hey, hold on. So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman. I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole Hey now that's called being a good dad. Okay, everybody's happy I'm definitely happy your mother's not being cheated on and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop and the family's all together

10. 00:52
    

    Zach Cregger

    Dad go to the store.

11. 00:53
    

    Dad

    Okay, we're going we're going the other perk is I get to bust in there

12. 00:58
    

    Mom

    Okay, now boys we don't want any incidents like last time All right, so we want all of you to be good.

13. 01:03

    We will mom

14. 01:03
    

    Mom

    be safe kids

15. 01:11
    

    Trevor Moore

    Hey Hey, Sam, let me shoot an apple off your head

16. 01:13
    

    Sam Brown

    I don't have an apple on my head.

17. 01:16
    

    Trevor Moore

    Nail gun!

18. 01:18
    

    Zach Cregger

    Trevor you killed him.

19. 01:19
    

    Trevor Moore

    Yeah killed him with the Gun

20. 01:22
    

    Zach Cregger

    no, he's really dead man. Look. Oh, man. He's getting blood everywhere. You're gonna get in so much trouble

21. 01:27
    

    Trevor Moore

    You're gonna get in trouble too. We were both playing with the nail gun

22. 01:31
    

    Zach Cregger

    It doesn't sound right when you say it that way.

23. 01:33
    

    Zach Cregger

    We were both playing with the nail gun

24. 01:36
    

    Trevor Moore

    What are we gonna do?

25. 01:37
    

    Zach Cregger

    There's gotta be some way we can bring him back to life.

26. 01:41
    

    Zach Cregger

    The Necronomicon!

27. 01:43
    

    Trevor Moore

    Top shelf, dude. Chapter 18.

28. 01:46
    

    Zach Cregger

    Okay, okay, okay. Jumanji!

29. 01:51
    

    Trevor Moore

    It worked!

30. 01:53
    

    Sam Brown

    I've seen horrible things! I've been to the Lake of Fire! A second here is a millennia in Hades!

31. 02:00
    

    Trevor Moore

    Okay, well calm down, man. You're okay now.

32. 02:02
    

    Sam Brown

    My dick split open and locusts flew out! A badger raped me with a thwarted cock.

33. 02:09
    

    Trevor Moore

    Oh, you had anal? Gay.

34. 02:11
    

    Sam Brown

    It was so gay, you have no idea how gay it was.

35. 02:15
    

    Zach Cregger

    Well, Sam, you're all right now.

36. 02:17
    

    Trevor Moore

    Yeah, be quiet. Mom and Dad are going to be home any minute.

37. 02:19
    

    Sam Brown

    They turned my rectum inside out and nailed it to a fence post. I drowned in wasps.

38. 02:25
    

    Zach Cregger

    Okay, Sam, be quiet.

39. 02:27
    

    Sam Brown

    I gouged my eyes out to stop seeing the horrors, but they only grew back.

40. 02:32
    

    Dad

    Out of my way, I've got a marriage to save.

41. 02:34
    

    Sam Brown

    Every step I took, I stubbed my toe. They only gave me thumbtacks to eat.

42. 02:41
    

    Zach Cregger

    That sounds pretty shitty, Sam.

43. 02:42
    

    Sam Brown

    My dick split open and locusts flew out.

44. 02:46
    

    Trevor Moore

    Yeah, you already told us that.

45. 02:47
    

    Sam Brown

    Well, it happened a lot.

46. 02:49
    

    Mom

    Well, boys, am I glowing?

47. 02:52
    

    Dad

    Boys, for the rest of the day, do not smell this finger.

48. 02:57

    Wow.

49. 02:58
    

    Sam Brown

    The worst part is, is since I've been to the world, they can control my body.

50. 03:03
    

    Dad

    Hey! Hey, what's wrong with Sammy?

51. 03:08
    

    Trevor Moore

    Nothing.

52. 03:09
    

    Sam Brown

    My soul is merged with all that has died and all that will die.

53. 03:12
    

    Mom

    Hey, that sounds like hell speak.

54. 03:13
    

    Dad

    What have you boys been up to in here?

55. 03:15
    

    Trevor Moore

    Uh, rehearsing for a play.

56. 03:17
    

    Zach Cregger

    Yeah, we're just running lines.

57. 03:18
    

    Dad

    You were running lines? You didn't accidentally kill Sam with the nail gun and have to bring him back from the depths of hell?

58. 03:24

    No.

59. 03:25
    

    Sam Brown

    Carpe diem! Carpe diem!

60. 03:27
    

    Dad

    Hey, that's Latin! Honey, bring me the holy water!

61. 03:29
    

    Sam Brown

    Fuck my pussy! Fuck my pussy! Fuck my pussy! Fuck my...

62. 03:33
    

    Sam Brown

    Ah! Ah! Ah!

63. 03:34
    

    Sam Brown

    Okay. Okay.

64. 03:35
    

    Dad

    Now, you two, I am very upset that you went ahead and killed your brother with the nail gun after we specifically told you to be careful. However, I am pleased to see that you are smart enough to use the Necronomicon in a pinch. Now, both of you go up to your room. You're grounded for two months.

65. 03:51
    

    Trevor Moore

    But, Dad.

66. 03:52
    

    Zach Cregger

    Sock hop.

67. 03:53
    

    Dad

    I'll sock your hops. Now, get out of here.

68. 03:55
    

    Dad

    Hold on, Sam. We need to have a little chat.

69. 03:57
    

    Sam Brown

    But I wasn't playing with the nail gun.

70. 03:59
    

    Dad

    I'm not talking about the nail gun. Sam, when most people die, they go to purgatory. Why is it that you went straight to hell?

71. 04:06
    

    Sam Brown

    I don't know.

72. 04:08
    

    Dad

    Sam. You have no idea why that might be?

73. 04:11
    

    Sam Brown

    We have pornos.

74. 04:13
    

    Dad

    That's what I thought. Bring them to your mother and I.

75. 04:19
    

    Dad

    Well, dear, we've had a pretty eventful day. We had a nice talk with Zach and Trevor, got ahold of Sam's pornography stash, and I finally got to wriggle inside that sweet, sweet poop chute of yours.

76. 04:29
    

    Mom

    Yes, you did.

77. 04:30
    

    Dad

    Yeah, I did. You should go check out the toilet. I just shit it out.

78. 04:33
    

    Mom

    Oh, frosted turd!