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Shaq and the Former Lakers Holiday Special

Mad TV 2004 Season 10 Episode 9

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

In a cartoon Christmas special, Shaq faces his old Lakers teammates from the Miami bench until a visit from baby Jesus changes the game.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Wearing a Santa hat, Shaq introduces a children’s-style cartoon in which his Miami Heat meet his former Lakers, who are now coached by a schemer. The coach lures Shaq to the bench with a fake Santa kidnapping, and the Lakers pull ahead until baby Jesus appears in the stands to announce that Christmas is his birthday and that Santa is made up. A heartbroken Shaq turns on Kobe, wins the game, and closes with lessons that end on a stolen-cookies argument for Santa.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 1

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Aries Spears

Shaq

Host

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Lesson number two, the baby Jesus is a liar. I know there’s a Santa, ’cause somebody ate those damn cookies.

Even when I coach the Lakers, I lose.

ScriptEnglish · 19 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:01
Shaq
Happy holidays. This is Shaquille O'Neal of the Miami Heat. Welcome to my cartoon Christmas special. I'm gonna bring you some laughs. I'm gonna tear to your eye. Now watch my cartoon special.
00:10
Speaker 1
Oh. Oh. Oh. Lakers never off the court. Having lots of fun was...-liverin' sport. We spent a lot of time playin' basketball, but because of Kobe Bryant, we all took the fall. We're Shaq and the Bobby Lakers.
00:33
Shaq
I have been put to sleep. I've I've been been waiting for this day for a long time. I'm gonna stick my foot so far up Kobe's ass, his breath is gonna smell like shoe polish.
00:45
Speaker 2
You're... He's killing me, coach. Make him stop.
00:58
Speaker 3
Don't worry, Kobe. I did a deep background check and discovered a little secret about Mr. Shaquille O'Neal. He likes Christmas. So I came up with a little plan that will foil him for good.
01:12
Speaker 4
Telegram for Shaquille O'Neal.
01:15
Shaq
Uh-oh. Somebody's kidnapped Santa Claus. Let's see. If I don't sit out the second half of the game, that chubby old elf is going into the wood chipper. I've got to sit out and save Christmas.
01:25
Speaker 2
That Oh, oh, holy crap, we're getting creamed
01:33
Shaq
That light's coming from the cheap seats. I better check it out. Wow, it's the baby Jesus.
01:43
Speaker 5
Shaq, why are you on the bench?
01:45
Shaq
Got a note that said if I play, Santa's a dead man, and there'll be no more Christmas. Santa?
01:49
Speaker 5
idiot! There is no Santa! Christmas is about me! It's my birthday! Go down there and win one for the baby Jesus!
02:01
Shaq
There's no Santa? I can't believe it!
02:15
Speaker 3
Even when I coach the Lakers, I lose.
02:18
Speaker 5
That's cause you're a loser.
02:21
Speaker 2
Don't hit me, Shaq. I won't mention your hookers anymore.
02:26
Shaq
Don't worry, Kobe. I learned a lesson today about the true meaning of Christmas. It's all about giving, so I'm giving you a present.
02:33
Speaker 2
I got a present for you too. I
02:42
Shaq
Well, hope you had some fun and learned some lessons. Today's lessons: one, Kobe's still a bitch. Lesson number two, the baby Jesus is a liar. I know there's a Santa, cause somebody ate those damn cookies. Merry Christmas.