Drunk Dad

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03
   

   Susie's Dad

   Oh, Susie! I'm glad you're still up. Happy birthday. How are you? Oh, wow, look at all this is your party. You got presents everywhere.

2. 00:13
   

   Susie's Dad

   How's your, how's it hanging? How's your, how's your party? So, the big birthday girl. October 16th. And the year of our Lord. Another year. Mark on the tree stump. Another year closer to the void. Did I get you anything? Well, that's why I'm here. Your mom's mad at me and wants me to come and talk to you about the present.

3. 00:44
   

   Susie's Dad

   So here's the thing. Remember how you said you wanted a pony for your birthday? You said you wanted a pony, you said everything more in the world and everything else, you wanted a pony? Well, I, being a good dad, being a good father, got you a pony. I went upstate, to farm upstate in Buffalo, went, got a pony, picked it out. His name's Buttercup. You can call him whatever you want though, because you're daddy's little girl. Name whatever you want. You name it, you know, crap. I don't even care.

4. 01:12
   

   Susie's Dad

   So last night, dad was at his office party thing, you know, he said he was going to, and had a drink or two. Fair, fair, but still, was, was cool, you know, was cool, like, can handle a buzz. I was driving home and I forgot that I was keeping your pony in the garage. Slipped my mind. So anyway, I just, I just pulled in and the pony's like, ah, you know, but, uh, I, uh, tapped your pony.

5. 01:49
   

   Susie's Dad

   Um, daddy bumped your pony. Your pony's dead basically is what I'm trying to say. So your mom was mad and I thought I'd come down and tell you like a man, like a father, and, um, just own up. Cause when you make a mistake you just express it.

6. 02:10
   

   Susie's Dad

   So I hit your pony. I'm sorry. I bought it for you in the first place. I can do that, I'm a dad. Now, the question is, and well, your mom and I don't, aren't at an understanding on this. I say yes, your mom says no, but I think yes, because you're a cool girl. I think you're a cool girl, you know. And here's, here it is, I'll just lay it out.

7. 02:34
   

   Susie's Dad

   Do you want to see your pony? Cuz it's yours. It's your pony, pony Buttercup. It's your pony. You own it. I just don't know if you want to see it, because, I mean, it's cute, it's just dead too, you know. Come to think of it, you're gonna have to see it anyway, because you're gonna have to, to move it, bury it. This is when you have a pet, you have a responsibility.

8. 03:02
   

   Susie's Dad

   And I remember when we talked about you having a pet, you said that you promised you'd clean up after it, and you probably didn't think you'd have to clean up after it so much so soon, but a deal's a deal, right, kiddo?

9. 03:16
   

   Susie's Dad

   I'm going to bring around the John Deere. I'm going to leave it running. I'll tell you how to use it, tell you all the buttons and levers, and then you can just kind of, like, nudge it into whatever hole you dig. But you're going to want to do it soon because it's pretty hot in the garage so the thing's swelling.

10. 03:36
    

    Susie's Dad

    It's getting ripe, you know, and you're going to want to move it before you have two messes to clean up because it may break in the middle from how hard I hit it.

11. 03:53
    

    Susie's Dad

    And I'm done. So I love you. I'm sorry I didn't go to your thing, and what are you gonna do? Sometimes people disappoint you. I will be better next year, I promise. I'm gonna go take a nap now. Keep a chin up. It works if you work it. Don't touch the television, because I'm TiVoing something. So good night. I love you. Feel good, happy birthday.