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Hammy House of Horrors: The Bloody Curse of Count Dracula
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Presented as a "Hammy House of Horrors" production, the story opens in a candlelit manor where Sir Godfrey Davis, Burgomaster Budget and the Countess Kenning puzzle over a victim with two holes in her neck. Godfrey summons his old colleague Dr Hertz Van Rental, an eminent German expert on the paranormal, who arrives festooned with garlic, mistakes the police chief for a lady and the seated maid for the corpse, and solemnly warns that the culprit is undead, though he keeps saying "van hire" when he means vampire. The only witness, a nervous shop girl named Avis, is questioned roughly, describes a caped figure with fangs, drifts into a song and admits she too has been bitten. Count Dracula himself finally appears, and after a chaotic struggle Van Rental hammers home a stake and caps the victory with a pun about blood donors.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Am I hurting your arm? No! Am I hurting it now? No! Why not? It's not my arm.
She's having a breakdown. She needs RAC.
Yes, I suppose you could say he's a blood donor.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Alasdair Macmillan
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Broadcast in the seventh and final LWT series of Russ Abbot's Madhouse on ITV in 1985; the episode's end credits carry an LWT MCMLXXXV copyright.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Hammy House of Horrors presents The Bloody Curse of Count Dracula
- 00:08
Well, Well, Sir Godfrey, two holes in her neck. It would appear she's been bitten. Do you mean by a wolf, Burgomaster Budget? No, Countess Kenning. The teeth seem to be human. But what sort of a man could do that? A madman. You may recall that this has happened several times before in the village. I don't believe it's a madman, Burgomaster Budget. it. I have a theory in my mind, and to this end, I have summoned the assistance of an old friend and colleague. May I ask whom, Sir Godfrey? A man who has spent a lifetime probing the depths of the paranormal. Good heavens, who? An eminent German doctor, Hertz Van Rental. Cool as ever. My best boy is this house. Welcome, Hertz Van Rental.
- 01:02
Dr Hertz Van Rental
Ah, the years have not changed you, Godfrey Davis.
- 01:05
Nor you, Van Rental, nor you. May I introduce the Countess Kenning.
- 01:10
Charmed, Herr
- 01:10
Dr Hertz Van Rental
I see time has not changed Godfrey's eye for a beautiful lady.
- 01:14
No, no, no, that's our police chief, Burgermaster Budget.
- 01:17
Dr Hertz Van Rental
Say my apologies, Mayor Fraulein. A misunderstanding.
- 01:20
I accept your apologies.
- 01:22
Dr Hertz Van Rental
Now, I am most enthused and anguished to see the body. Why is the body sitting upright?
- 01:31
This is Rosalind, our maid. The body's here, you see.
- 01:37
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Strange. Strange. Strange. Her breath smells of garlic. Why has she been bitten?
- 01:42
Those are her feet.
- 01:47
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Very interesting.
- 01:48
Yes. What is your opinion, Ben Rental? I think it's the work of a wolf.
- 01:53
Dr Hertz Van Rental
I have a long way to say to you.
- 01:55
Yes.
- 01:55
Dr Hertz Van Rental
Not for Otto.
- 01:56
What?
- 01:57
Dr Hertz Van Rental
She undead. It's a still of the night while all villages are asleep. She creeps from town to town, flitting in the moonlight.
- 02:04
What are you talking about?
- 02:06
Dr Hertz Van Rental
We are talking about van hires.
- 02:08
I don't know such things as Van Hiles. An old wife's tale.
- 02:16
Dr Hertz Van Rental
Gentlemen, Herr Fraulein, you are questioning a legend. A legend that has been handed down from generation to generation. It is written in these old pages. Looks awful. Looks authentic, doesn't it? Ancient? Yes, I think that's authentic. Oh, yellow with age.
- 02:33
Can they speak of Van Hiles?
- 02:35
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
You'll find out all you want to know about Van Hiles in the yellow pages.
- 02:39
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
I must destroy this creature at once before he strikes again. Precisely. I will begin my investigations immediately. We must ask every villager if they have noticed anything untoward.
- 02:49
We have already done so, Van Rental. There is only one person who has encountered a strange man on the moors.
- 02:56
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Then bring him to me.
- 02:57
It's a girl, Van Rental. She is but a simple shop girl. Rosaline, bring her to us. I bid you treat her gently. She is of a nervous disposition.
- 03:08
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Nevertheless, free dramas have ways of making people talk.
- 03:12
Ah, Ben Rental, this is Avis.
- 03:15
Dr Hertz Van Rental
Good evening, Avis. What did you see on St. Morris?
- 03:21
Avis
Well, I don't really...
- 03:24
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Obsessful junk of memory! Am I hurting your arm?
- 03:27
Avis ?
No!
- 03:28
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Am I hurting it now?
- 03:29
Avis ?
No!
- 03:29
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Why not?
- 03:30
Avis ?
It's not my arm.
- 03:33
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Now, Avis, calm down. No one is going to hurt you. I told you to make your mind go blank.
- 03:39
Avis ?
Oh!
- 03:40
Is that a stick?
- 03:42
Dr Hertz Van Rental
Now, tell me, what did you see on St. Morris?
- 03:43
Avis
He was silhouetted against the moonlight, he was tall and he had a long cloak on and jet black hair. And his face? His face was funny, he had like, his mouth was all white and he had fangs.
- 03:56
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Fangs?
- 03:57
Avis
Fangs. You took a walk in the park. Fangs. You had a kiss in the dark. Fangs. There was a pale moonlight. What about the night we cried fangs like that?
- 04:08
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Stop it, Avis, that song has not been written yet.
- 04:10
Avis
I don't know what all the fuss is about, he only tried to kiss me.
- 04:13
Where, where?
- 04:14
Avis ?
On my neck, neck.
- 04:15
Oh!
- 04:18
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
This means that Avers is a van hire, too.
- 04:22
Avis
Oh, God, not a van hire. I'm not a van hire. I can't be a van hire.
- 04:25
Calm down, calm down.
- 04:26
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
She's having a breakdown. She needs RAC.
- 04:29
RAC?
- 04:30
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Rest and comfort. Quick, take her over there.
- 04:33
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
We have no time to lose. Gentlemen, we're about to meet an old friend of mine, Count Dracula.
- 04:40
Look, a full moon. Master, I just saw something move. Where? Over there. Oh, I'm sorry, I have to tell you about it. What about it? I I need blood.
- 05:08
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Stand aside, my mental!
- 05:11
Now, why are you sending your bullets Lead him to me. Just my luck and atheist.
- 05:18
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Well he's a bat kick him in the belfry he's a blood sucker kick him in the teeth he's a ghoul kick him in the clench the stake into his heart oh well done there's nothing like a done, steak.
- 05:47
Dr Hertz Van Rental ?
Welcome, Dracula. You will count no more.
- 05:50
For years he has taken blood and now we have taken his. Yes, I suppose you could say he's a blood donor. You will get a cup of tea and biscuits now.
