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What Really Happened To Abe Lincoln

The Whitest Kids U'Know2007Season 1Episode 1
The Whitest Kids U'KnowWKUK
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

At Ford's Theatre, a foul-mouthed Abraham Lincoln heckles a vampire-filled Hamlet until an exasperated John Wilkes Booth reaches for a hammer.

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Community rating

8.0 / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

The Ford Theatre Company stages a Hamlet in which the slain Othello rises as a vampire and the players spend long stretches silently circling the stage. From his flag-draped box, Abraham Lincoln shouts warnings at the actors and trades crude insults with John Wilkes Booth, whose companion begs him to stay calm. When the President orders the actors to halt and rewind the play so he can relieve himself, Booth storms up to the presidential box and beats him on the backside with a hammer. The two actors then step forward to assure the audience that this embarrassing version is what really happened that night.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 5

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

I don't care who it is, he's ruining Hamlet.

I'm not putting on a play up here. I'm trying to be entertained right now.

Abraham Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much that he died of being hammered in the ass.

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

The troupe recalled shooting this sketch in summer at a scale replica of Ford's Theatre in upstate New York, where the heat (reportedly around 110°F) kept loosening Lincoln's fake beard. It was filmed on the same day as the season's other Lincoln sketch, "John Wilkes Booth".

ScriptEnglish · 33 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:10

    Oh

  2. 00:12

    Othello

    Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet! The vampire army has taken the city!

  3. 00:16

    Hamlet

    We must check the castle tower and make sure that no vampire have gotten into our home base.

  4. 00:23

    Othello

    You wait here. I'll go check the castle.

  5. 00:25

    Hamlet

    Yes, you do that.

  6. 00:27

    Othello

    Oh my god, Hamlet! I just saw a fucking vampire! It bit me right in the neck!

  7. 00:33

    Hamlet

    Oh no!

  8. 00:34

    Othello

    Save yourself, Hamlet!

  9. 00:36

    See!

  10. 00:41

    Hamlet

    Othello, I will avenge you! and rid this castle of the vampire scourge that has taken this fair city. I shall hunt each and every one down in this town and drive a wooden stake through their heart. All this for my friend Othello.

  11. 01:00

    Abraham Lincoln

    Oh, no! Hamlet, turn around! He turned into a vampire! He's gonna bite you! Oh, shit! Hamlet, I can't watch this!

  12. 01:10

    John Wilkes Booth

    Hey! Well, some of us are trying to.

  13. 01:14

    Booth's Companion

    John, please.

  14. 01:15

    Abraham Lincoln

    who said that which one of y'all dead motherfuckers just said that shit was it you string bean you skinny ass looking motherfucker turn around and say it again turn around and say it again turn around say it again

  15. 01:31

    Booth's Companion

    please be quiet john that is the president of the united states

  16. 01:35

    John Wilkes Booth

    i don't care who it is he's ruining hamlet

  17. 01:37

    Abraham Lincoln

    oh now you fucked up now you fucked Now, you fucked up! You have fucked up now! Now, you fucked up! Now, you fucked up! Now, you fucked up! Now, you fucked up! Now, you fucked up! Now, you have fucked up!

  18. 01:56

    Othello

    Mr. President, will you please be quiet?

  19. 01:59

    Abraham Lincoln

    Suck my presidential cock, bitch! You fat-ass piece of shit! You tub of lard-looking motherfucker!

  20. 02:06

    Abraham Lincoln

    What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

  21. 02:12

    Hey!

  22. 02:12

    Abraham Lincoln

    What? What? Huh? I don't know why you're looking up at me, bitch. Play's on stage. I'm not putting on a play up here. I'm trying to be entertained right now.

  23. 02:21

    John Wilkes Booth

    Mr. President, be quiet.

  24. 02:24

    Booth's Companion

    John, calm down.

  25. 02:26

    Abraham Lincoln

    Listen to the woman, John. Calm down. Just calm down. Calm down. Just calm down. Hey! Acty! Stop the play! Hey, Acty! Ho! Acty! Hey! Ho! I gotta go to the bathroom. I drank too much liquid, now I gotta piss. Oh! Oh! I got a bottle. I got a bottle. It's all right. Rewind the play five minutes, though, because that fat piece of shit was talking. I couldn't pay attention to what you guys were doing, so rewind the play five minutes. And you shut the fuck up.

  26. 02:54

    John Wilkes Booth

    That's it. I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago.

  27. 02:57

    Booth's Companion

    John, what are you going to do?

  28. 02:58

    John Wilkes Booth

    I'm gonna beat him to death with this hammer.

  29. 03:00

    Booth's Companion

    What? John! John!

  30. 03:02

    Abraham Lincoln

    Oh, what are you doing skinny? What are you doing? You fat piece of shit? Where's he going? What's that piece of shit doing now? Oh shit He's hitting me in the butt. He's hitting my butt. Don't break my butt! Don't break my butt! He's breaking my butt

  31. 03:19

    Hamlet

    Ladies and gentlemen, that is what actually happened on that fateful night all those years ago American historians and documentarians believed that the actual events were far too embarrassing for our fledgling nation to endure

  32. 03:31

    Othello

    But Abraham Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much that he died of being hammered in the ass

  33. 03:37

    Thank you. Good night.

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