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Head Crusher: Rival
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Mr. Tyzik, the Head Crusher, is working a snowy residential street, asking the heavens' forgiveness before crushing a passing priest's head between his fingers, when he notices that a strolling couple's heads have already been flattened. The culprit is a moustached stranger in a striped toque who claims to have invented his own technique of pinching faces from a distance. Outraged that an amateur is working his turf, Tyzik orders him to leave; the rival refuses, and the two square off in a long-range duel, pinching and crushing at each other across the street. The Face Pincher knocks Tyzik off his feet, but Tyzik recovers, pries apart his rival's fingers from afar until he begs for mercy, kicks his lawn chair aside and walks off victorious.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head!
Wait a minute, that head, it's already been crushed!
I'm pinching your face!
Never mess with a pro, buddy.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Stephen Surjik
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The Kids in the Hall's official full-episode rundown titles this installment "Headcrusher: Rival"; fan transcripts call it "Headcrusher vs. Facepincher", and the kithfan episode guide lists it as "Head Crusher Duels The Face Squisher".
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:04
Mr. Tyzik
what's What's this a priest deity did
- 00:17
Mr. Tyzik
or deities forgive this abuse of your earthbound ambassador but my calling is very specific
- 00:25
Mr. Tyzik
i'm crushing your head i'm crushing your head
- 00:27
Mr. Tyzik
oh hey happy couple hour wait a minute that head it's already been crushed
- 00:40
The Face Pincher
I'm pinching your face. I'm pinching your face.
- 00:46
The Face Pincher
Okay, citizens, come on. I'm going to pinch your faces. I'm
- 00:52
Let's go down!
- 00:54
The Face Pincher
I'm pinching...
- 00:55
Mr. Tyzik
Excuse me. What the hell do you think you're doing?
- 00:57
The Face Pincher
I'm pinching faces.
- 01:00
Mr. Tyzik
Pinching faces?
- 01:02
The Face Pincher
Yes. It's a wonderful thing in which, yes, yes, I invented.
- 01:07
The Face Pincher
Thank you, thank you. What you do is you put your thumb here, your finger there, you'll get the person in the middle you'll get your targeted
- 01:15
Mr. Tyzik
i know what you're doing you amateur you're doing it on my turf would you please leave
- 01:21
The Face Pincher
your turf
- 01:25
Mr. Tyzik
oh yes my turn now beat it
- 01:27
The Face Pincher
i'm not gone nowhere!
- 01:30
Mr. Tyzik
Moron! Moron! not going nowhere is a double negative which means they're going somewhere so why don't you get lost huh
- 01:39
Mr. Tyzik
come on you wanna go you want it okay let's go for it!
- 01:47
I'll
- 01:48
Mr. Tyzik
I'll crush your head.
- 01:49
The Face Pincher
I'm pinching your face.
- 01:55
Mr. Tyzik
Hey, I'm over here.
- 01:56
The Face Pincher
I'm pinching your...
- 01:58
Mr. Tyzik
Missed, missed, missed again.
- 02:00
The Face Pincher
Wow! Oh!
- 02:03
The Face Pincher
I have fallen.
- 02:06
Mr. Tyzik
I got you now.
- 02:18
The Face Pincher
Please don't! No! Please!
- 02:26
Mr. Tyzik
Never mess with a pro, buddy. Out Out of of here.
- 02:33
Mr. Tyzik
All right!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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