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Crushing Your Head
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
From behind a planter outside an office tower, Mr. Tyzik sneers at passing businessmen and a bike courier, pinching each between his thumb and forefinger from across the plaza while gleefully crushing their heads. When a businessman stops to ask what he is doing, Tyzik turns the question into another crushing. In a later return, he spots a young boy in a suit carrying a briefcase, quizzes him about his outfit and ambitions, and crushes him upon hearing he wants to be a businessman. Tyzik is immediately consumed with remorse, resolves to confess at church, and struggles to restrain himself before conceding that nearly everyone else still deserves it.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I'm crushing your head. That's what I'm doing, flathead.
Then I'm crushing your precocious little head.
Once a head crusher, always a head crusher.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The Head Crusher debuted in the 1988 HBO pilot, which ran four "Crush Your Head" segments. This Season 1 premiere continues the runner as "Crushing Your Head Part 2" (the businessmen) and "Part 3" (the kid), with Part 3 closing the episode.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:06
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Hey, Wall Street, don't panic. I mean, I'm only cussing your heads. C-c-c-cush you! What the hell do you guys find to talk about anyway?
- 00:19
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
I like to put my money in the Texaco. Well, I like to put it in the Gulf. Well, I put my money in my mattress. Well, I put my money in my wallet.
- 00:27
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
You're boring me. I'm cussing your head. I'm cussing your head. Hey, I just renamed your firm Merrill Lynch and the Flathead. I curse you.
- 00:37
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Hail to you, wretched bike courier. On streets of shame, choking on car exhaust, just trying to carve out that slice of the American dream with your two-wheeled knife. I pity you, and I curse you. Sorry, nothing personal. I'm apolitical.
- 00:55
Speaker 1
Excuse me. What are you doing?
- 01:00
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
I'm doing something.
- 01:02
Speaker 1
Oh, what? Like what?
- 01:04
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Something with people.
- 01:06
Speaker 1
What are you doing?
- 01:07
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Oh, that's a conference call.
- 01:14
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head! I'm crushing your head! That's what I'm doing! Flathead! Like putty! In my hands. These business boys.
- 01:33
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Your hands are just too cool. But I must. It's my job. Oh, I can't. It's just too cruel.
- 01:51
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Kid! Hey, kid! Who dressed you this morning?
- 01:59
Speaker 2
My mom.
- 02:00
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And you like that suit?
- 02:04
Speaker 2
Yeah.
- 02:05
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what do you want to be when you grow up?
- 02:13
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Then I'm crushing your precocious little head. Crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush.
- 02:21
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Why did I do that? I feel terrible. He was just a kid. Just a cute little kid. I must go to church and confess. I must.
- 02:44
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Oh, Father, forgive me.
- 02:51
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Wait! I should wait till I get to church to say that. Tell him to the man. Tell it to his face.
- 02:56
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Why am I always crushing heads? That was just a little kid. He didn't deserve that. I mean, I should crush the guy who sold him that suit.
- 03:04
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your...
- 03:06
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Oh, there I go again. Once a head crusher, always a head crusher.
- 03:11
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
You've got to get a grip of yourself. You don't, I mean, have to do it every single time someone comes around the block.
- 03:18
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
I'm crushing your head!
- 03:19
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Stop, stop, stop it, stop it. You don't have to crush every head. You don't have to...
- 03:25
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Not every one, just maybe 99.999999%
- 03:31
Mr. Tyzik (Head Crusher)
Crescented and deserved to be fretted. Not a kid.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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