John MalkovichHost
Self/Narrator
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John Malkovich Reads 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The funny people
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Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Now, you know what they say about hopes. They're what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.
And I'm telling you, I mean, perfectly legal.
I'm getting the sense that not many of you are enjoying this. I mean, am I correct in this assumption?
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Hosting Saturday Night Live for the third time, and at Christmas for the first, John Malkovich promises to spread some holiday joy by reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to a group of children he introduces as the kids of the show's staff. Settled in an armchair between a fireplace and a decorated tree, he keeps breaking off from the poem for bleak asides: his itchy Santa hat, a gloomy reflection on hope, a quiz about holiday suicide rates, California's home-invasion law, a calculation showing Santa's sleigh would burn up like a meteor, and a Portuguese Santa who takes children's toes. When the children turn down his cough drops and plainly aren't enjoying themselves, he skips to the poem's last line, leaves them with one more warning about their toes and concludes that it went better than he expected.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This was John Malkovich's third time hosting Saturday Night Live, after episodes in January 1989 and October 1993. The episode marked Amy Poehler's return from maternity leave, a week before her final show as a cast member, and James Franco filmed the week's production for his documentary Saturday Night (2010).
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Ladies and gentlemen, John Malkovich.
- 00:14
John Malkovich
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.
- 00:31
John Malkovich
It's wonderful to be here in New York hosting Saturday Night Live. This is my third time hosting, but my first time at Christmas.
- 00:41
John Malkovich
And I think it's very clear that no one has more Christmas spirit than me. I mean, look at me. I'm filled with holiday cheer.
- 00:52
John Malkovich
So, the powers that be ask if I might be willing to spread a little joy. So, I am going to read a holiday classic, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
- 01:16
John Malkovich
Now, I've invited all the children of the people who work here up to the stage for this moment, and this will be our Christmas present to all of you.
- 01:30
John Malkovich
Twas T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
- 01:48
John Malkovich
Itchy, itchy
- 01:49
John Malkovich
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care In the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there
- 02:00
John Malkovich
Now, you know what they say about hopes They're what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else
- 02:06
John Malkovich
the The children were nestled snug in their beds while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads and mama in her kerchief and i in my cap had just settled down for a long winter's nap
- 02:25
John Malkovich
now kids here's a question true or false during the holiday season the suicide rate increases
- 02:34
John Malkovich
Right? Right?
- 02:37
John Malkovich
Well, you get back to me on that. When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
- 02:48
John Malkovich
You know that the state of California has a home invasion law where it's actually legal to shoot someone just for entering your residence? And I'm telling you, I mean perfectly legal. Did you know that? well it's true
- 03:05
John Malkovich
away to the window i flew like a flash tore open the shutters and threw up the sash the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave a luster of midday to the objects below when what to my wandering eye should appear but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
- 03:30
John Malkovich
now did Did you know that it is estimated that Santa's sleigh weighs 353,000 tons? So traveling at 650 miles per second would create such an enormous friction that Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame. You understand? Like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Kids, this is a scientific fact.
- 04:07
John Malkovich
With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be Sant Nic. You know, in Portugal, they actually don't call him Sant Nic. His name is Pai Natal. And unless children leave him a stick of butter, he steals one of their toes. Let me say this. It's rather terrifying.
- 04:29
John Malkovich
Oh, by the way, if any of you guys are in the mood for a treat, here's a bowl of Hall's mentholiptus. Can you, uh... No? Suit yourselves.
- 04:42
John Malkovich
Can I say, when I was a child, we used to suck on pennies. You know what I'm saying? And it was a delight. You know...
- 04:55
John Malkovich
You know, I'm getting the sense that not many of you are enjoying this. I mean, am I correct in this assumption?
- 05:04
John Malkovich
Okay, well, I... Well, kids, let's put it this way. You've rendered all this useless. okay I'll just skip to the end
- 05:11
John Malkovich
but I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
- 05:21
John Malkovich
so Merry Christmas children do you know what pie Natal is coming and he is gonna feast on all your toes
- 05:31
John Malkovich
that That went better than I thought. We've got a great show. TI is here. We'll be right back.
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