Cold Open: Biden Halloween

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00

   Speaker 1

   And now, a holiday message from former Vice President Joe Biden.

2. 00:14
   

   Joe Biden

   It's a spooky time filled with demons and darkness. Also, it's Halloween.

3. 00:22
   

   Joe Biden

   For some Trump voters, it's the only day they'll wear a mask.

4. 00:28
   

   Joe Biden

   Do you like my decorations? I borrowed them from Melania's Christmas display.

5. 00:36
   

   Joe Biden

   Which reminds me, there's another holiday on a right-around-the-corner election day. If you're like most Americans, you're excited to vote and very, very, very worried about the outcome.

6. 00:50
   

   Joe Biden

   But don't worry. They say I'm eight points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon.

7. 01:02
   

   Joe Biden

   Well, that's a little troubling. But tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story.

8. 01:14

   Yeah!

9. 01:16
   

   Joe Biden

   Wait. That one's a little too scary. It's Edgar Allan Poe! The R-The Raven! A classic poem! You know, in the 1800s, people would read this and soil their pantaloons.

10. 01:37
    

    Joe Biden

    Let's see how it holds up. it's hard to open once upon a midnight dreary while trump we tweeted q anon theories and rifled through his adderall drawer i was writing my acceptance speech when something stopped me with a screech it was a knock upon my chamber door T'was someone still a little sore Who may be scared of four years more Quoth the Clinton

11. 02:29
    

    Hillary Clinton

    We lost before

12. 02:33
    

    Joe Biden

    I said, Raven, stop being such a drag We've got this one in the bag It's what every pundit says from shore to shore

13. 02:41
    

    Hillary Clinton

    Not Michael Moore He says voters are being undercounted in the polls. Also, even if you do win on Tuesday, the election could still be stolen from you, so...

14. 02:53
    

    Joe Biden

    I said, come on! No one would dare. I'll be sworn in fair and square. All the votes will be accounted for.

15. 03:01
    

    Hillary Clinton

    Just like Al Gore?

16. 03:04
    

    Joe Biden

    This time is different. I can win. The people know I have a plan.

17. 03:09
    

    Hillary Clinton

    But your real advantage is you're not a woman. You're a man!

18. 03:16
    

    Hillary Clinton

    Okay, you're right. You got this.

19. 03:18
    

    Joe Biden

    Okay.

20. 03:18
    

    Joe Biden

    I checked the website, 538, to find out my election fate. Nate Silver, you will know the score, even though...

21. 03:32
    

    Nate Silver

    I was wrong before. So, look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one-in-six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So, for example...

22. 03:53
    

    Nate Silver

    Ha! One.

23. 03:55
    

    Nate Silver

    Well, I guess that shows you that it's technically possible, however unlikely. But roll it again, and you'll see that it's a...

24. 04:05
    

    Nate Silver

    Ha! One.

25. 04:07
    

    Nate Silver

    But roll it again, And an Electoral College tie? That's not even an option. Okay, I'm just going to leave because I think our country is haunted.

26. 04:26
    

    Joe Biden

    Country's not haunted. We just have to come together like two butt cheeks to stop the crap.

27. 04:36
    

    Joe Biden

    Decent folks out there, I ask, hasn't Trump failed at his task? Do not elect him anymore, though Ice Cube and Lil Wayne...

28. 04:46

    are voting for us.

29. 04:49
    

    Joe Biden

    Why, in the name of all that is holy, would you be voting for Trump?

30. 04:54

    Taxes.

31. 04:57
    

    Lil Wayne

    Plus, Trump's got his new platinum plan.

32. 05:00
    

    Ice Cube

    That's right. If you got a platinum record, you can plan on him doing a photo op with you.

33. 05:08
    

    Joe Biden

    I cannot win. We must do better than that spray-tan super-spreader. Still, I will win. Because I'm a baller. Just ask my running mate, Kamala.

34. 05:39
    

    Kamala Harris

    Oh, it's Kamala.

35. 05:52
    

    Joe Biden

    I know. I took some artistic liberties to preserve my rhyme scheme.

36. 05:58
    

    Joe Biden

    I know a lot's uncertain, but I believe we'll win this race.

37. 06:04
    

    Kamala Harris

    And that's why Mitch McConnell...

38. 06:07
    

    Mitch McConnell

    -...is stopping by just in case. Joe, my old pal from the Senate, don't tell anyone this, but I'm kind of pulling for you. You're doing great.

39. 06:21
    

    Joe Biden

    What happened to your hands, lobster boy?

40. 06:28
    

    Mitch McConnell

    Oh, no, this is just a very common and normal condition called Old Man Purple. Basically, my blood hates me so much, it's trying to leave my body. Either that, or I'm too far away from my horcrux.

41. 06:52
    

    Joe Biden

    So whatever happens, America, know that we'll be okay.

42. 06:56
    

    Kamala Harris

    Our nation will endure. We will fight another day.

43. 07:01
    

    Joe Biden

    I'm sure it will be peaceful no matter who has won

44. 07:05
    

    Kamala Harris

    though it's never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns use your voice and use your vote democracy will represent

45. 07:18
    

    Joe Biden

    daylight savings time let's gain an hour and lose a president