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Monologue: Michael Keaton on Trick-or-Treating
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Michael Keaton greets the audience with uncertainty about whether he has hosted before, then turns to the Halloween he would rather be celebrating. He recalls the satisfying weight of a full-size candy bar, the disappointment of healthier handouts, and a brother who preferred a sandwich. His childhood costume choices lead into a fondness for cowboys and the practical problem of wearing glasses in a Western fantasy.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I'm talking about serious candy now.
Why don't you run inside and make me a sandwich?
Tax auditor didn't really work, either.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Speaker 1
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Keaton.
- 00:18
Speaker 2
Thanks a lot. It's nice to be back hosting Saturday Night Live again. Wait a minute, have I ever hosted this show before? Oh, all right, well it's nice to be here for the first time.
- 00:32
Speaker 2
I'm gonna be real honest with you. There's a little part of me that would really rather be out celebrating Halloween tonight. You know, out there trick or treating.
- 00:40
Speaker 2
I know, I mean, I miss it so much because i vividly remember that first house you went to you know you were dressed up it was kind of there was a chill in the air you went out you held your bag remember that first candy bar that hit the bottom of the bag you know the one just got a good solid thud at the bottom boom you know what i'm saying
- 00:56
Speaker 2
i'm talking about serious candy now you know i'm not talking miniatures you know what i'm saying i'm not talking about people who give you little ones or gum you know or a lot of people would give you vegetables or fruit sometimes an individual raisin they drop it in you know
- 01:12
Speaker 2
I'm talking about serious candy like big chocolate with nuts you know stuff that's really bad for you you know I think I
- 01:20
Speaker 2
this is curious my brother was an interesting guy we would go out Halloween together and I to the best of my knowledge he was about the only kid I knew who really didn't like candy so he didn't walk up and knock on the door people would open it say I'll tell you what once you're on inside make me a sandwich
- 01:36
Speaker 2
Some ham, a little bit of mayonnaise on it, okay? And wheat. Put on wheat, okay?
- 01:42
Speaker 2
Getting dressed up was the best, though. You know, you'd get dressed up in your costume. I had some pretty good costumes, I think. I was kind of creative, you know? I mean, there were off years. There were years where I had...
- 01:54
Speaker 2
I don't know, I think maybe the screen door installer was a big mistake.
- 02:02
Speaker 2
Tax auditor didn't really work either. You know, I'd go in and do people's books in their house, you know?
- 02:11
Speaker 2
Cowboy was probably my best. That was probably my best. I really had that down, because in life, I really wanted to be a cowboy, you know, as a kid. I mean, I really wanted to be a cowboy.
- 02:20
Speaker 2
I knew that I never really would become a cowboy, though, because I wore glasses as a kid, you know?
- 02:25
Speaker 2
And I'd go to movies, and I'd watch the westerns, and you'd never see a cowboy wearing glasses, you know?
- 02:30
Speaker 2
You'd never see a guy out there riding a range going, Hey, Indians?
- 02:36
Speaker 2
The guy riding their horse, boom.
- 02:40
Speaker 2
Listen, thanks a lot. You're going to have a lot of fun tonight.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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