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Celebrity Jeopardy!
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Will Ferrell's Alex Trebek opens Double Jeopardy with all three celebrities deep in negative money. Kathie Lee Gifford brings her own wine to the lectern, Tom Hanks keeps mistaking his pen for a microphone and gets stuck in a pickle jar and then a dry-cleaning bag, and Sean Connery misreads the categories while trading insults about Trebek's mother. Burt Reynolds turns up at a fourth lectern that nobody saw arrive, offers an offensive guess, and later vanishes just as mysteriously. Trebek gives up on the board and sets a Final Jeopardy that only asks for a nonsense word, then ends the show when Connery's wager turns out to be a crude drawing of Trebek's grave.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Well, sixty-nine is how I scored with your mother last night.
I had such high hopes for you.
I'll take 'Catch the Semen' for 800.
But I want a pickle.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Will Ferrell, who left the cast in 2002, returned as host to play Trebek in the first Celebrity Jeopardy! since 2005. It was also Darrell Hammond's last episode as a regular cast member.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Alex Trebek
I'd like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We've got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathy Lee Gifford, a first time player.
- 00:15
Kathie Lee Gifford
Hey, who you calling a player, G?
- 00:18
Alex Trebek
G?
- 00:19
Kathie Lee Gifford
What's that mean, Grandpa? Is that what she stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname. It's G. Gee.
- 00:28
Alex Trebek
And you have negative $22,400. In second place with negative $46,700 is Tom Hanks.
- 00:40
Tom Hanks
I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think that you'll find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.
- 00:54
Alex Trebek
Well, you've managed to cast away quite a number of points.
- 01:00
Tom Hanks
I'm sorry, what's that?
- 01:02
Alex Trebek
Oh, I'm sorry. or I was making a pun on the title of your movie, Castaway.
- 01:07
Tom Hanks
I don't know what that is.
- 01:11
Alex Trebek
The movie you were in, Castaway.
- 01:14
Tom Hanks
Oh, I still don't understand it.
- 01:18
Alex Trebek
Fine, and by the way, Tom, that is a pen, not a microphone. In last place, with negative $69, oh brother, Sean Connery.
- 01:49
Sean Connery
Negative $69.
- 01:50
Alex Trebek
Okay, that wasn't your score.
- 01:52
Sean Connery
Well, 69 is how I scored with your mother last night.
- 02:02
Alex Trebek
Let's just move on to the category for double jeopardy. They are potent potables, sounds that kitties make, twinkle, twinkle, little blank, catch these men. Every answer is a person on the FBI's most wanted list. So let's just forget that category. I'm not pretty sure that that would not turn out well
- 02:26
Sean Connery
I turned out your mother last night
- 02:30
Alex Trebek
I'm ignoring you
- 02:32
Sean Connery
it's a prison term it means I've got her working as a prostitute in my employ
- 02:36
Alex Trebek
my mother is infirm she uses a walker
- 02:41
Sean Connery
she is a walker a street walker
- 02:43
Alex Trebek
moving on states that end in in Hampshire, what color is green, and current black fragrance? Kathy Lee, let's start with you.
- 03:05
Kathie Lee Gifford
Potent potables? I'm sorry, I don't know what that is.
- 03:07
Alex Trebek
It's about alcohol.
- 03:09
Kathie Lee Gifford
Oh, in that case, I'll take potent potables.
- 03:14
Alex Trebek
For how much?
- 03:15
Kathie Lee Gifford
How about a glass full, right? Come on, hand it over, Treebark, let's go.
- 03:20
Alex Trebek
We don't have wine.
- 03:21
Kathie Lee Gifford
That's okay, I brought my own.
- 03:22
Alex Trebek
great fine okay Tom let's just go with you
- 03:31
Tom Hanks
well where are we going
- 03:33
Alex Trebek
no nowhere nowhere pick a category
- 03:36
Tom Hanks
I'll take 600
- 03:38
Alex Trebek
in what category
- 03:43
Tom Hanks
the video daily double
- 03:45
Alex Trebek
I had such high hopes for you you know let's just do states that end in in Hampshire for $200. This is the only state ending in Hampshire.
- 04:00
Tom Hanks
South Hampshire.
- 04:03
Alex Trebek
No.
- 04:03
Tom Hanks
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What is South Hampshire?
- 04:08
Alex Trebek
No, no, Kathy Lee.
- 04:11
Kathie Lee Gifford
Hampshire, England.
- 04:12
Alex Trebek
No, no, that's not in the United States.
- 04:15
Kathie Lee Gifford
I'm sorry, Governor, I play second, I have some more.
- 04:23
Alex Trebek
No, Sean Connery, would you pick a category?
- 04:25
Sean Connery
I'll take catch the semen for 800.
- 04:42
Alex Trebek
It's not catch the semen.
- 04:45
Sean Connery
Is that what the mustache is for, Trebek?
- 04:54
Alex Trebek
Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category? And he has his hand caught in a pickle jar.
- 05:01
Tom Hanks
It's on my hand.
- 05:03
Alex Trebek
Where did you get that pickle jar?
- 05:06
Tom Hanks
I wanted a pickle.
- 05:08
Alex Trebek
Tom, Tom, let go of it. Let, no, not the jar. Let go, let go of the pickle.
- 05:14
Tom Hanks
But I, but I want a pickle.
- 05:17
Alex Trebek
We can't keep playing if you don't let go of the pickle.
- 05:20
Sean Connery
That's what your mother said last night. Take that, you poltroon.
- 05:32
Alex Trebek
Moving on, Kathie Lee, you have the board.
- 05:34
Kathie Lee Gifford
I am bored, I am bored. You actually watch the show?
- 05:41
Alex Trebek
Yes, it's actually quite popular. And Tom Hanks is caught in a dry cleaning bag. Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What's going on here? All right, let's just move on.
- 06:02
Burt Reynolds
Burt Reynolds.
- 06:04
Alex Trebek
Burt Reynolds, where did you come from?
- 06:16
Burt Reynolds
I thought I'd been here the whole time.
- 06:19
Alex Trebek
No, you haven't.
- 06:20
Burt Reynolds
Sure I have, from before. I'll take, uh, give me a famous Chinaman for doing.
- 06:26
Alex Trebek
There is no Chinaman category. and there would never be anything that offensive
- 06:32
Burt Reynolds
who is Pat Morita
- 06:34
Alex Trebek
first of all Pat Morita was Japanese not Chinese
- 06:41
Burt Reynolds
who is camp on his chin
- 06:44
Alex Trebek
oh good lord let's just move on to Final Jeopardy the category is nonsense words just write a random series of letters any letters as long As long as it's not a word, you will win. And as I am reasonably certain, that most of you... I like your chances. So... let's see what rare gems our contestants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let's see your nonsense word. Hoda Kotb. That's not a nonsense word. That's your co-host on the Today Show.
- 07:33
Kathie Lee Gifford
copy believe me that's nonsense where's the vowel
- 07:36
Alex Trebek
and your wager you wager that you'll be
- 07:45
Kathie Lee Gifford
your darn tootin partner
- 07:46
Alex Trebek
I am NOT a cowboy all right Tom Hanks you you managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welts there let's see what you wrote and you broke your phone
- 08:01
Tom Hanks
You see what happened was...
- 08:03
Alex Trebek
Okay, again, that's a pen, that's not a microphone. It's not a microphone. Burt Reynolds, where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds' poet, it just vanished.
- 08:12
Sean Connery
He was never here, Trebek.
- 08:14
Alex Trebek
Yes, he was.
- 08:16
Sean Connery
No, he wasn't.
- 08:17
Alex Trebek
Yes, he was, but let's just see what you wrote. I, I, I, I... Wow. That is a nonsense word. Judges? yes yes the judges agree fantastic i'm i'm so very happy in this moment
- 08:34
Sean Connery
well i thought you could use it friend
- 08:37
Alex Trebek
thank you thank you sean
- 08:44
Sean Connery
you're welcome alex
- 08:46
Alex Trebek
let's see what my friend sean wagered if i'm looking at that correctly that is you i take it defecating on my grave
- 09:05
Sean Connery
it was right after i had sex with your mother trebek
- 09:09
Alex Trebek
okay that's it Good. Show's over. Good night.
The rabbit hole continues
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