Who’s On Top?

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01

   Speaker 1

   And now it's time to play everyone's favorite game of strategy And here's your host, Vince Blake

2. 00:12
   

   Vince Blake

   Hello, everyone! Welcome to another edition of Who's on Top We've got three great contestants today You folks ready to play?

3. 00:19
   

   Contestant

   Yes You know it, Vince

4. 00:20
   

   Vince Blake

   Alright, the rules are simple As we all know, when two gay men have sex One person is the top and one is the bottom We'll show you two male celebrities Who hypothetically could have sex and you decide who's on top.

5. 00:37
   

   Contestant

   No. No, no. No, thank you. I'm not playing this. Good luck. Nice meeting you.

6. 00:43
   

   Vince Blake

   Well, as usual, explaining the rules has cost us a contestant. Paul, Madeline, are you still ready to play?

7. 00:49
   

   Paul

   Sure. 100%.

8. 00:51
   

   Vince Blake

   It's a simple game. For instance, if I said Hannity and Combs, who's on top, the answer would be? Hannity. Obviously. Obviously. Alright Paul, you're up first and here's your question We've rocked out to their songs for over 30 years Between them, they've sold almost 300 million albums But if Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen had sex Tell me, who's on top?

9. 01:15
   

   Paul

   Oh, that's an excellent question Let me think this through The easy answer would be that Bruce is on top Because he's the boss, but it can't be that simple Physically speaking, Bruce is more muscular are popular, but Joel's a bulldog. Ten more minutes. Don't rush me. Uh...

10. 01:34
    

    Paul

    Let's see, Billy Joel and Springsteen are both legends, but Bruce has always stayed humble and he takes pride in a hard day's work, even if it ain't pretty. Billy Joel's on top.

11. 01:42
    

    Vince Blake

    Correct. Correct. Paul, you're in the lead with $10,000. As always, I have to point out, we here at Who's on Top are in no way insinuating that anyone mentioned in this show is or has ever been gay, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right.

12. 01:57
    

    Vince Blake

    Madeline, you're up. they're two of cinema's favorite international stars, but if Roberto Benigni and Gerard Depardieu had sex, who's on top?

13. 02:07
    

    Madeline

    Oh shoot, I know this. Okay, well Benigni's a squirmer so he would be hard to hold down, but if anyone can do it it's Gerard. So I'm gonna say Gerard Depardieu's on top.

14. 02:20
    

    Vince Blake

    Sorry Madeline, you forgot Depardieu is French and therefore a bottom. Well, Paul, you're back up. They delighted millions of children in The Lion King. But when Timon and Pumbaa had gay sex, who's on top?

15. 02:39
    

    Paul

    I was just thinking about this. uh, uh, Timon and Pumbaa, of course, their motto was hakuna matata. What a wonderful phrase, hakuna matata. Ain't no passing craze. It's a problem-free philosophy. philosophy, Hakuna Matata, there is no top, they trade off positions evenly, it's a circle of life.

16. 03:03
    

    Vince Blake

    That is correct. That's correct! Yeah, great. Let's pause now from a word from one of our sponsors. What? Still no sponsors? I can't blame them. All right, let's keep playing. Paul, you're in the lead, so you move on to our lightning round, but don't worry, Madeline isn't leaving home empty-handed. She'll be going home with the Who's on Top Home Edition.

17. 03:26
    

    Madeline

    What's the issue?

18. 03:27
    

    Paul

    Vince, I'd just like to say that when the show began, I thought it might be a reckless game of sexual gossip. But if you use your instincts about personality and status, you'll see that these are the right answers.

19. 03:40
    

    Vince Blake

    That's right. It's a smart game. Let's go to the lightning round.

20. 03:49
    

    Vince Blake

    Okay, Paul, in this round I'm going to ask you to picture two men having sex. Done. Let me finish.

21. 03:56
    

    Vince Blake

    Let me Of those two, you'll try to guess as many tops as you can before time Time runs out, all right? And go. Mark Twain and Seth Green, who's on top?

22. 04:05
    

    Paul

    Please, Mark Twain.

23. 04:06
    

    Vince Blake

    Correct. Kimbo Slice, the old man from Up, who's on top?

24. 04:09
    

    Paul

    Surprisingly, the old man from Up.

25. 04:11
    

    Vince Blake

    Correct. Seventies, Kenny Rogers. Kenny Rogers now, who's on top?

26. 04:15
    

    Paul

    I don't want a picture of that pass.

27. 04:16
    

    Vince Blake

    Correct. Paul Giamatti.

28. 04:18
    

    Paul

    The other guy.

29. 04:19
    

    Vince Blake

    Correct. Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, who's on top?

30. 04:23
    

    Paul

    Oprah Winfrey.

31. 04:24
    

    Vince Blake

    Correct. Final question, final question. The cast of Entourage, if they all had sex, Put them in order from bottom to top.

32. 04:33
    

    Paul

    Oh, crap. Okay, Turtle's on the bottom, but now it gets tricky. Drama wouldn't be next. He's too proud. 45 minutes. Uh, I got it. I got it. Uh, Turtle, E, Drama, Ari, Vinny's on top, while Scott Kahn watches.

33. 04:48
    

    Vince Blake

    You just won $600,000. You can walk away now or lose it all.

34. 04:53
    

    Paul

    I'm gonna lose it all. What?

35. 04:56
    

    Vince Blake

    Oh, too bad. That's all for today. Stay tuned for the Gay Sex Elimination Show. Good night.

36. 05:30

    Speaker 1

    watching!