Celebrity Jeopardy!

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:10
   

   Alex Trebek

   Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Because of what happened just before the commercial, I'd like to apologize to all blind people and children. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.

2. 00:31
   

   Robin Williams

   Yes, thank you, yes, Jeopardy, yes. I hear you, my boy, you are healed. We have found Tom Selleck's mustache, yes. Suddenly we go over here and look at the scoreboard. What do we have here? Oh, Vanna White, can we turn the letters? She's making a vowel movement. Yes. Oh, hi, I'm Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey Jr. wants a recount. Yes, and there's a kid at home going, no, I want to read Harry Potter. Yes,

3. 00:48
   

   Alex Trebek

   fantastic.

4. 00:48
   

   Robin Williams

   Thank you. Thank you.

5. 00:57
   

   Alex Trebek

   Moving on, Catherine Zeta-Jones has no score at all because she's mostly been talking about her recent marriage.

6. 01:07
   

   Catherine Zeta-Jones

   Alex, I'd like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Michael, darling, if you're watching, the diaper's in the bedroom closet, and the baby's diapers are under the sink i love you darling

7. 01:16
   

   Alex Trebek

   that's beautiful and finally sean connery is also here let's move on to double jeopardy where the category is

8. 01:27
   

   Sean Connery

   not so fast trebek

9. 01:28
   

   Alex Trebek

   i really thought that was going to work

10. 01:33
    

    Sean Connery

    well you were wrong you monta bank i pose a conundrum to you a riddle if you will

11. 01:40
    

    Alex Trebek

    i don't want to hear it

12. 01:41
    

    Sean Connery

    what's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold one's a sick duck I can't remember how it ends but your mother's a whore

13. 01:51
    

    Alex Trebek

    wonderful let's take a look at the categories they are potent potables point to your own head letters or numbers will Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth? An album cover. Make any noise. And finally, famous Muppet frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit.

14. 02:36
    

    Robin Williams

    Thank you, yes, Kermit, yes. It's like Kermit and John Wayne going, it's not easy being Green Pilgrim. It's like Schwarzenegger, yeah, I'm Kermit the frog, yeah. That's me, Schwarzenegger, Kermit.

15. 02:45
    

    Alex Trebek

    more you more you might be legally retarded

16. 02:49
    

    Sean Connery

    he has a point

17. 02:53
    

    Alex Trebek

    all right Catherine Zeta-Jones will start with you

18. 02:57
    

    Catherine Zeta-Jones

    I'll take giraffes for a billion

19. 03:03
    

    Alex Trebek

    let's just go with letters or numbers for 200 and the answer is 5 is 5 a letter or a number the number five is it a number mr. Williams

20. 03:18
    

    Robin Williams

    oh it's a beautiful thing yes right now is a guy at home going what the hell going on there may want you

21. 03:23
    

    Alex Trebek

    thank you thank you mr. Williams you already rang in

22. 03:28
    

    Robin Williams

    yes it's a beautiful thing though Monica whiskey's at home going

23. 03:30
    

    Alex Trebek

    thank you thank you anyone else mr. Williams

24. 03:35
    

    Robin Williams

    I hate you but I love you it's like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going yes

25. 03:40
    

    Alex Trebek

    you are a very sick man anyone besides mr. Williams five is of course a number Catherine Zeta-Jones sadly it's still your board

26. 03:56
    

    Catherine Zeta-Jones

    I'll take TV shows that did stories about my waiting for 300

27. 04:00
    

    Alex Trebek

    for the last time that is not a category

28. 04:03

    Don't worry.

29. 04:04
    

    Alex Trebek

    Sean Connery, why don't you pick?

30. 04:06
    

    Sean Connery

    Well, the game is afoot. I'll take anal bum cover for $7,000.

31. 04:13
    

    Alex Trebek

    An album cover, not anal bum cover.

32. 04:32
    

    Sean Connery

    I can read, Trebek. That says anal bum cover. I spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover. Failing to do so is my greatest regret.

33. 04:44
    

    Alex Trebek

    rat you have led a horrifying life the category is an album cover and the answer is the beatles white album is this color catherine zeta jones

34. 05:00
    

    Catherine Zeta-Jones

    who are the beatles

35. 05:02
    

    Alex Trebek

    i'm sorry that's wrong

36. 05:05
    

    Catherine Zeta-Jones

    no i'm asking you who are the beatles i've never heard of them

37. 05:08
    

    Robin Williams

    oh yes the beatles yes what if What if they're the Volkswagen Beetles? Yes, then it'd be in the backseat going, I wanna hold your Farfing Nugent, yes.

38. 05:16
    

    Alex Trebek

    For the love of God, shut your mouth. I tell you what, let's just go to Final Jeopardy! And the category is, you know what? You guys just decide. You each ask your own question and then answer it. There's no way you can get this wrong. Because you're asking the question. Ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. You'd have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up.

39. 05:49
    

    Alex Trebek

    And now let's see how you managed to mess it up. Robin Williams wrote nothing because he stuck his pen through his own hand.

40. 06:01
    

    Robin Williams

    Yes, you know what it's like? Suddenly it's like a Shakespearean actor who's gay going, That's poor Yorick, I knew him when... Oh! Oh! Shazbot! Yes! Oh!

41. 06:10
    

    Alex Trebek

    Don't ever come here again. Catherine Zeta-Jones asked herself this question. What sound does a doggie make? Fine. And you answered... You didn't know the answer. You couldn't answer your own question.

42. 06:28
    

    Catherine Zeta-Jones

    It was hard.

43. 06:31
    

    Alex Trebek

    Unbelievable. And finally, Sean Connery asked himself... Okay, I... I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here. Yeah, yeah, that's a horse having sex with me. Okay, that's beautiful.

44. 06:47
    

    Sean Connery

    Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work.

45. 06:50
    

    Alex Trebek

    No, we're not going to do that, okay? I quit again. Good night.

46. 06:54
    

    Sean Connery

    Come on!