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Trump Executive Orders Cold Open
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Well, it's been 100 years since I became president. Excuse me. Days.
Recession will now be called "recess."
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Celebrating his first hundred days back in office, President Trump summons Stephen Miller to help announce another stack of executive orders. Miller’s ominous manner unsettles even the president as their measures move from culture-war grievances to special treatment for older men dating younger women. Marco Rubio is brought in to endorse a restriction on infant ear piercing, despite his initial protest. Trump then takes aim at a difficult newspaper puzzle and the ghosts who interrupt his Christmas Eve. The ceremony ends with an attempt to make an economic downturn sound like playground fun.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Stephen Miller’s entrance is accompanied by Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Speaker 1
President Trump's first 100 days have been the most dynamic since FDR. In that short time, President Roosevelt created vital government departments, forged new alliances, and established our nation's social safety net. And in just 100 days, President Trump did the same thing, only in reverse.
- 00:19
Donald Trump
It's My bad. I know it's me,
- 00:25
Donald Trump
your favorite president, and perhaps your next pope. Conflate. Well, it's been 100 years since I became president. Excuse me. Days. Wow. Wow, feels longer, but people are saying that what I've done so far has single-handedly helped win people elections, mostly in Canada.
- 00:43
Donald Trump
I've also signed 147 executive orders, everything from banning paper straws to defunding PBS. I understand Elmo has now been apprehended by ICE, brought to you by the letter L for El Salvador. He's not coming back. but we've got a few new executive orders and here to help is Deputy Chief of Staff and Lord of the Shadows Stephen Miller
- 01:13
Stephen Miller
Mr. President, it's an absolute pleasure to be here
- 01:20
Donald Trump
Wow, even the nice things you say sound like Kylo Ren Alright, what do we got today Stephen, what you got?
- 01:27
Stephen Miller
Alright sir, this first order would bring back Columbus Day
- 01:31
Donald Trump
Oh, it's so important. That's right. We are bringing back Columbus Day back from the ashes. We have to protect Columbus Day for our great Italian-American friends like Tony Soprano, Benny Blanco, and Childish Gambino. All right. What's next?
- 01:50
Stephen Miller
All right, sir. This order would reduce the number of interracial couples in TV commercials.
- 01:55
Donald Trump
It's just too many, right? You see them in the kitchen together making meal from HelloFresh He's wearing loafers, she's got tight braids You're like, where'd they meet, you know What do they even talk about, it's insane
- 02:10
Stephen Miller
Well done, sir Sir, this order will make it socially acceptable For a man in his 70s to date a 24-year-old
- 02:19
Donald Trump
That's right, we're calling it the Belichick Law We're gonna make girlfriends young again, okay Old men can now date far younger women We like that, it's hot are hot, but in reverse, it's quite disgusting, right?
- 02:34
Donald Trump
Very Dateline, you know? Did you see Belichick's girlfriend? She's pretty hot, right?
- 02:39
Stephen Miller
Yes, she is a beautiful creature.
- 02:43
Donald Trump
God, you're creepy. This is why we don't hang out outside of work.
- 02:47
Stephen Miller
Understood, sir. Next is a pardon for author J.K. Rowling.
- 02:52
Donald Trump
Ah, Jackie, Jackie Rowling. We love Jackie. You know, she created a whole wizarding world, A wonderful place for overweight millennials to stake their entire identity Well past the point of it being cute I'm a Hufflepuff No, bitch, you work at Staples I'm rolling, let's keep it moving, let's go
- 03:13
Stephen Miller
Great, sir You asked Marco Rubio to join you for this next one?
- 03:19
Donald Trump
Yeah, where's Marco? Get him out of here Come on in, little Marco, you're gonna love this
- 03:24
Stephen Miller
Yes, sir
- 03:25
Donald Trump
Oh, wow Yes, this order I believe forbids all Hispanic babies from getting their ears pierced. I believe this was Marco's idea
- 03:36
Marco Rubio
No, it wasn't.
- 03:37
Donald Trump
Yes, it was.
- 03:38
Marco Rubio
Yes, it was
- 03:40
Donald Trump
Sorry, little Maricela. Sorry Valentina. It's clip-ons for you from now on All right I mean we got grown white American tweens Trying to get into Claire's and they got to wait behind a thousand tiny Latina babies to get their ears pierced It's no bueno, right, Marco?
- 03:58
Marco Rubio
Si, sir.
- 04:01
Donald Trump
Okay. We'll see him later.
- 04:03
Stephen Miller
Moving on. Sir, this order will make the New York Times connections game easier.
- 04:08
Donald Trump
And it's about time. Every time it's like, how the hell was I gonna get that fourth one? You know the purple one? It's always like units of measurement plus the letter Q or types of beans minus the concept of love. What the hell does any of that mean?
- 04:26
Donald Trump
Let's keep it rolling. Let's keep it rolling, Stephen. What's next?
- 04:29
Stephen Miller
Sir, this order will outlaw ghosts.
- 04:31
Donald Trump
We're sick of the ghosts, right? We don't like them. You know, every Christmas Eve, I get visited by three ghosts. I don't know what the hell they're talking about. They're like, sir, you have to change. You have to change. You did bad things, and you have to change. And I'm like, stop rattling those chains, okay? I'm trying to enjoy my dark, lonely Christmas Eve.
- 04:52
Stephen Miller
Alright sir, this order will officially shorten the word recession
- 04:58
Donald Trump
Oh, that's good Recession will now be called recess Fun, right? So America, get ready for a historically long recess I call tetherball Oh, and one more thing Live from New York,
- 05:12
Stephen Miller
it's Saturday night!
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