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Christmas Tree Lot

Saturday Night Live2009Season 35Episode 10
Saturday Night LiveSNL
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A tree-lot salesman falls so deeply in love with every tree he sells that each purchase turns into a tearful goodbye.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

At a Christmas tree lot, a salesman greets every customer like a matchmaker, praising each tree as if she were a beloved companion and urging her to write from her new home. His assistant Tommy wraps the sales while the boss lingers over farewells, from a noble fir bound for Connecticut to a lopsided tree chosen by a mother and daughter, complete with a photo-booth keepsake for the departing tree. When a later customer buys the spruce, the salesman breaks down over a long, wounded breakup speech to a tree named Helen. Tommy tells him he gets far too attached, and the salesman half-admits it until Beth, the lopsided tree, comes back to him, and the two make plans to go home together.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 8

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

You hear that, girl? You're going to Connecticut.

Sometimes it's our flaws that make us beautiful.

I was talking to the tree.

ScriptEnglish · 46 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:01

    Boyfriend Customer

    We were thinking of taking this tree.

  2. 00:03

    Tree Salesman

    Oh, noble fir. She's going to hold her needles well.

  3. 00:07

    Boyfriend Customer

    That's great. How much is it?

  4. 00:08

    Tree Salesman

    Tag says $50.

  5. 00:10

    Boyfriend Customer

    How about $45?

  6. 00:12

    Tree Salesman

    What the heck? It's Christmas. Hey, Tommy, can you wrap her up? Looks like you found a home, old girl. Don't forget to write.

  7. 00:22

    Tree Salesman

    Yeah, that's what they all say.

  8. 00:24

    Tree Salesman

    Take care of her. She's a lot of fun. Merry Christmas.

  9. 00:27

    Boyfriend Customer

    Merry Christmas to you. Thank you. OK.

  10. 00:29

    Connecticut Customer

    Excuse me. I mean, I was thinking about getting this tree over here.

  11. 00:33

    Tree Salesman

    Oh, sure, that's a beauty. That's your classic Christmas tree, 60 bucks.

  12. 00:39

    Connecticut Customer

    Sounds good. Can you help me strap it to my car, though? I gotta drive it all the way up to Connecticut.

  13. 00:44

    Tree Salesman

    You hear that, girl? You're going to Connecticut. You're gonna like it out there.

  14. 00:49

    Connecticut Customer

    That's where Martha Stewart lives, right?

  15. 00:51

    Tree Salesman

    Yeah, I think so.

  16. 00:53

    Connecticut Customer

    Oh, you were right. I do owe you a Coke.

  17. 00:58

    Tree Salesman

    Alright, well this nice man, he's gonna fall in love with you just the way that I did. Now go on, start your new life.

  18. 01:08

    Tree Salesman

    Tommy! Tommy, 60.

  19. 01:12

    Connecticut Customer

    Uh, thanks. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

  20. 01:15

    Tree Salesman

    I was talking to the tree.

  21. 01:17

    Daughter

    We want this one.

  22. 01:20

    Mother

    I don't know, honey. This one's lopsided.

  23. 01:22

    Daughter

    I like it, Mom.

  24. 01:24

    Tree Salesman

    Your daughter has a good eye.

  25. 01:26

    Tree Salesman

    Sometimes it's our flaws that make us beautiful.

  26. 01:30

    Mother

    If that's the one you want.

  27. 01:32

    Tree Salesman

    Did you hear that? Told you you'd find a family. Now you can admit that you're pretty? Would you like to say that a little bit louder, Beth? That's my girl.

  28. 01:46

    Tree Salesman

    Now, before you go, I want to give you something. Pictures of you and me. Yes, from the photo booth.

  29. 01:56

    Tree Salesman

    Now, don't forget me. I'm not a sap. You're a sap. I get it. Like tree sap. Okay. Very funny, Beth. All right, you better get going. Tommy! Be gentle. It's Beth. Oh.

  30. 02:15

    Tree Salesman

    Oh, this gets harder every year.

  31. 02:18

    Spruce Customer

    Uh, hey, do we pay you or pay up front?

  32. 02:21

    Tree Salesman

    Oh, you're taking the spruce.

  33. 02:23

    Spruce Customer

    Yeah, thought it'd be really nice for the living room.

  34. 02:25

    Tree Salesman

    Hey, give me a sec. Something I need to say to this tree.

  35. 02:30

    Tree Salesman

    I never went to Paris. I never even got on the plane. As soon as you dropped me off at the airport, I just turned around, hopped in the cab and went straight back home. I don't know where we went wrong, Helen. Maybe your parents turned me against you, get you against me. Maybe it's your religion. All I know is I love you just the way you are. Too bad you don't feel the same about me. Goodbye, Helen.

  36. 03:01

    Tree Salesman

    Tommy! Tommy! It didn't have to be this way, Helen!

  37. 03:11

    Tommy

    You know, boss, you get way too attached to these trees.

  38. 03:14

    Tree Salesman

    You know, maybe Beth was right. Maybe I am a big sap.

  39. 03:19

    Tommy

    Who's Beth?

  40. 03:20

    Tree Salesman

    Nobody.

  41. 03:25

    Tree Salesman

    Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree. How lovely are your branches.

  42. 03:34

    Tree Salesman

    Oh, Beth, oh, you came back!

  43. 03:39

    Tree Salesman

    What about your new family? Oh, Beth, you could have been hurt.

  44. 03:49

    Tree Salesman

    Well. Well, I'm happy to have you back.

  45. 03:54

    Tree Salesman

    Why don't we go back to my place, and you can decorate me?

  46. 03:59

    Tree Salesman

    I'd like that, too.

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One more couldn’t hurt.

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