You're tuned to the good stuff
The Celery Incident
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
At the produce sales headquarters, Marty is singled out for celery's sinking numbers while his colleagues are praised for making kale, heirloom tomatoes and Brussels sprouts fashionable. His pitches go nowhere, dinner at home with his wife only deepens his gloom, and at a bar his successful colleague Bill reluctantly passes him a contact for the mysterious bacon guy. On a houseboat by the Willamette, the bacon mogul agrees to help celery only in exchange for a night with Marty's wife, and she reluctantly goes along with it. Then a man claiming to be from the FBI persuades Marty to wear a wire, but the sting reveals that the agents work for Big Corn, which resents bacon for making every other vegetable more appealing than corn. The whole affair turns out to be a John Grisham bestseller, and its success puts celery back on top as Marty and his wife cruise away on a boat.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Heirloom tomatoes didn't even exist five years ago. Now, eaten like steak.
My socks are already off, Marty.
Corn used to be America's vegetable.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Fred Armisen
Writer
Carrie Brownstein
Writer
Jonathan Krisel
Writer
Karey Dornetto
Writer
Graham Wagner
Writer
Jonathan Krisel
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
IFC released "The Celery Incident" online as a roughly 11-minute short film on February 20, 2014, a week before Portlandia's fourth season premiered; it later aired as the running storyline of the episode "Celery." Steve Buscemi received an Emmy nomination for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series for the episode.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Carrie Brownstein
Settle down, everyone. It's been a good year. Heirloom tomatoes didn't even exist five years ago. Now, eaten like steak. Kale consumption is at an all-time high. Excellent work, Larry. And brussels sprouts are back. Don't know how you did it, Bill.
- 00:19
Fred Armisen
Ah, they sell themselves.
- 00:20
Carrie Brownstein
Which brings us to celery. Yes, Marty, I'm talking about you.
- 00:26
Marty (Portlandia)
Oh, yeah, doing the best I can here.
- 00:28
Carrie Brownstein
Because your numbers are down.
- 00:29
Marty (Portlandia)
Yeah.
- 00:29
Carrie Brownstein
Look at this graph.
- 00:30
Marty (Portlandia)
Oh, because my graph...
- 00:32
Carrie Brownstein
That's you down here.
- 00:33
Marty (Portlandia)
I don't have that same graph. Did you ever hear of a thing called Bloody Marys?
- 00:37
Carrie Brownstein
I need new ideas, Marty.
- 00:38
Marty (Portlandia)
But what I'm trying to get back to is just food. Just a basic stick of celery is good in and of itself.
- 00:45
Carrie Brownstein
Really, Marty? Because I feel like celery is limp.
- 00:48
Marty (Portlandia)
Uh, old celery is. I'm talking about the new and improved celery. I'm gonna do a whole viral celery phenomenon phenomenon that is just going to knock your socks off.
- 01:01
Carrie Brownstein
My socks are already off, Marty.
- 01:03
Marty (Portlandia)
Popeye. I'm gonna talk with, um, uh, who does Popeye? It's not Hanna-Barbara.
- 01:10
Carrie Brownstein
No.
- 01:10
Marty (Portlandia)
I'll find out. I'll get on it. And I think we should have the new adventures of Popeye. Instead of eating spinach, he eats celery.
- 01:19
Carrie Brownstein
Bill?
- 01:20
Fred Armisen
I've gotten an idea of where to put the celery. Um, how about the, um, what is it called? The dumpster. I just wanted to announce that we just got an account with Virgin Airlines for Brussels sprouts to be featured on the menu on their flights as a dessert.
- 01:44
Carrie Brownstein
Bravo.
- 01:46
Fred Armisen
Honey and maple syrup.
- 01:47
Carrie Brownstein
Honey and maple syrup.
- 01:49
Carrie Brownstein
Real results, Marty. That's what I'm looking for.
- 01:52
Marty (Portlandia)
I'm old school, and I think most people, when you talk to them, they would agree.
- 01:57
Carrie Brownstein
Marty, you know who else was old school? Dick with alfalfa sprouts. And now Dick is gone. We need new ideas.
- 02:05
Marty (Portlandia)
I'm out of ideas. I don't know what to do anymore.
- 02:08
Wife
Well, what about ants on a log? You know, you put the two little raisins in a smiley face, and that's how we met. That's how you wooed me.
- 02:16
Marty (Portlandia)
They laughed at me when I did the peanut butter and the raisins. They were pointing at me, going, that's your idea?
- 02:22
Wife
I don't know why they'd laugh. Because you're a good guy, and that's a good snack.
- 02:26
Marty (Portlandia)
They're gonna fire me. Do you understand? They're gonna fire me.
- 02:28
Wife
Have some dinner.
- 02:30
Marty (Portlandia)
I'm sorry. Beet salad?
- 02:36
Wife
They were on sale at the market.
- 02:38
Marty (Portlandia)
Yeah? Really? Would it kill you to put a little celery in there?
- 02:43
Wife
In a beet salad?
- 02:46
Marty (Portlandia)
It's good!
- 02:47
Wife
It doesn't taste good, honey.
- 02:48
Marty (Portlandia)
Why don't people like celery? It's full of soluble and insoluble fiber.
- 02:52
Wife
You don't understand that it's very hard on the digestive system.
- 03:01
Marty (Portlandia)
My life is falling apart.
- 03:05
Marty (Portlandia)
Can Hey, can I get a Bloody Mary, please? Thanks, pal. What What the the hell is this? Pickles? Pickles and a Bloody Mary? Where's the celery? This is not proper bartending. This is bullshit. Oh, hey, Bill. Bill. Bill! Hey, it's me, Marty.
- 03:39
Fred Armisen
How are you doing, Marty?
- 03:40
Marty (Portlandia)
Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink and maybe pick your brain a little bit? Hey, can I get a Bloody Mary for my friend here? Congratulations on a great year. I mean, wow.
- 03:50
Fred Armisen
Wow? Boy, oh, boy. We just got an account with the country of Russia. Imagine that.
- 03:57
Marty (Portlandia)
How do you do it?
- 03:57
Fred Armisen
In order to get up, you've got to use your brain, you've got to use your, you know, your intellect. How are you making people rethink celery?
- 04:05
Marty (Portlandia)
Soup.
- 04:06
Fred Armisen
Does that seem exciting to you? Soup? You're gonna walk into a five-star restaurant and say, hey, you guys need to start selling celery soup? You want people to get something in a plate and go, go... Try this. you think they're gonna do that about soup? Who are you partnering with?
- 04:24
Marty (Portlandia)
For a while, Raisins, but, uh...
- 04:26
Fred Armisen
What is it, 1955?
- 04:27
Marty (Portlandia)
55. I need help.
- 04:31
Fred Armisen
Look, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you a phone number. You've got to reach out to some other foods. You did not get this from me.
- 04:39
Marty (Portlandia)
This Bacon.
- 04:44
Fred Armisen
This guy's a genius. Don't be desperate. Stop being sweaty about everything. Make a new business partner, but, um, don't get too friendly. Do you understand what I'm saying? The stove is hot. Don't burn your fingers.
- 05:01
Wife
Hello?
- 05:01
Marty (Portlandia)
Hi, honey, it's me. I got pretty excited about it.
- 05:08
Wife
I don't like how you're sounding Marty, please come home.
- 05:11
Marty (Portlandia)
Do you trust me?
- 05:12
Wife
Yeah, I trust you. Just be careful, okay?
- 05:14
Marty (Portlandia)
Of course I'm going to be careful and I'm going to get us both those cell phones we want. I love you.
- 05:20
Wife
I love you too.
- 05:22
Fred Armisen
Who Hello, who is it?
- 05:43
Marty (Portlandia)
Oh hi, it's me, Marty from Celery. Are you the bacon guy?
- 05:48
Fred Armisen
You're a little bit early. I haven't really heard that word before, the bacon guy, if that's what you'd like to call me. I don't really care.
- 05:58
Marty (Portlandia)
I don't mean any disrespect.
- 06:00
Fred Armisen
I mean, I could call the celery guy. Well, you're a man who celebrates and sells celery, so then, therefore, you're a guy, and then you're the celery guy.
- 06:11
Marty (Portlandia)
I actually think that celery is exciting in its own right. It's not that I need bacon, but right now, I could really use some help.
- 06:21
Fred Armisen
What do you have for me? That's what I'd like to know. Do you have a girlfriend?
- 06:27
Marty (Portlandia)
I'm married.
- 06:29
Fred Armisen
Oh, well...
- 06:30
Marty (Portlandia)
But I'm willing to share the profits, of course, once celery takes off.
- 06:37
Fred Armisen
You want to play games with me?
- 06:39
Marty (Portlandia)
I do not want to play games with you. I'm here to make a deal. I'm here on business.
- 06:42
Fred Armisen
Well, this is what I'd like. I know you have a wife, and I would like one night with your wife, and then we'll be in business together, and then you'll be a huge success.
- 06:51
Marty (Portlandia)
You want to sleep with my wife?
- 06:53
Fred Armisen
I would, yeah. I'd like... I'd like that.
- 06:56
Marty (Portlandia)
No offense, I don't think she'd like you.
- 06:59
Fred Armisen
Nobody does.
- 07:04
Wife
I'll do it.
- 07:06
Marty (Portlandia)
Do you want to see a picture of him or something?
- 07:07
Wife
I'm good.
- 07:10
Marty (Portlandia)
I'm not... You understand, I'm not asking you to do this.
- 07:13
Wife
Listen, I'm gonna have sex with a bacon guy, celery is gonna get back on top, and we're gonna take that trip to Santa Barbara like we keep saying we're gonna do, okay?
- 07:22
Marty (Portlandia)
I'll talk to him. Maybe he would go for a handjob.
- 07:27
Wife
Okay.
- 07:28
Marty (Portlandia)
Okay, okay. This is... this is just...
- 07:30
Wife
I give a great handjob, by the way. That is not a downgrade.
- 07:33
Marty (Portlandia)
Wow.
- 07:34
Wife
It's gonna feel like intercourse for him.
- 07:37
Marty (Portlandia)
What's What's wrong with me? Stupid celery! What am I doing?
- 07:49
Oh Oh,
- 07:50
FBI Agent
you You don't look so good.
- 07:59
Marty (Portlandia)
My My wife's gonna bang a guy from bacon.
- 08:06
FBI Agent
Do you know what FBI stands for?
- 08:10
Marty (Portlandia)
You're from the FBI?
- 08:12
FBI Agent
Don't look at me. we've been investigating bacon for years if you were willing to wear a wire i think we could bring bacon down you in
- 08:22
Marty (Portlandia)
i'm in i'll i'll do whatever it takes
- 08:24
FBI Agent
popcorn
- 08:25
Marty (Portlandia)
thanks
- 08:26
FBI Agent
you're welcome
- 08:27
Marty (Portlandia)
are Are you gonna call me or anything hello
- 08:43
Fred Armisen
Come in.
- 08:45
Marty (Portlandia)
Hi.
- 08:46
Fred Armisen
Why martin
- 08:48
Marty (Portlandia)
this is my wife lorraine
- 08:50
Fred Armisen
have you ever seen a venus fly
- 08:52
Marty (Portlandia)
not in real life
- 08:54
Fred Armisen
it's kind of an animal and it's kind of a plant at the same time
- 08:59
Marty (Portlandia)
so she's ready to have a go with you in exchange for your help with the celery deal that we made
- 09:08
Fred Armisen
you look like you're wearing a wire
- 09:10
Marty (Portlandia)
a wire why would i
- 09:16
run
- 09:16
Fred Armisen
stop running somebody catch them
- 09:21
what them hey help
- 09:29
Marty (Portlandia)
where are you what what's What's happening?
- 09:34
Speaker 3
We have everything we need. Thanks for your help.
- 09:37
Marty (Portlandia)
Who are you, anyway? What kind of rows are those? Why is there corn everywhere?
- 09:43
FBI Agent
Corn used to be America's vegetable, and then along comes bacon and makes every vegetable from zucchini to celery sexier than corn. I'm sorry you got caught in the crossfire, but our work here is done.
- 09:56
Wife
I was going to whore myself out.
- 09:58
FBI Agent
Is that still on the table?
- 10:00
Marty (Portlandia)
Why would that still be on the table?
- 10:02
Wife
For fun?
- 10:04
Speaker 4
There was no FBI. It was all a ruse. Big Corn had been pulling the strings all along, and celery was caught in a crossfire. Thank you. If you want to find out what happens next, you'll have to buy my book. It's
- 10:24
done.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from across the archive.
