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Feminist Car Wash

Portlandia2014Season 4Episode 2
Portlandia
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Facing an overdue rent bill, Toni and Candace open a car wash and give their only customer far more scrutiny than suds.

Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

With rent due at Women & Women First, Toni and Candace take to the roadside with a hand-lettered car wash sign. Their lone customer, a businessman in a Subaru, is quizzed about whether he needs his car the same day, offered a menu of oddly named wash packages, and pressed on whether any dog has ever ridden in the car, while the pair recast their bookstore as a kind of real estate for the mind. When he politely praises their buckets and sponges, they accuse him of expecting a sexy bikini car wash and act out the fantasy back at him. The car does get washed, the takings come to twelve dollars, and the two end up giggling through a slow-motion hose fight of their own.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 2

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Has there ever been a dog in the car?

Real estate of the mind. We take a vacant space in someone's head and we fill it with literature.

What were you expecting? Like a Playboy car wash?

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

The slow-motion ending turns on the bikini car-wash imagery of Carl's Jr. fast-food commercials, which Paste's review of the episode identified as the target of the parody.

ScriptEnglish · 66 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:00

    Toni

    Candace?

  2. 00:01

    Candace

    Yes, Tony?

  3. 00:02

    Toni

    It's that time of the month again.

  4. 00:04

    Candace

    Not for me, it's not.

  5. 00:05

    Toni

    No, I meant paying the rent.

  6. 00:07

    Candace

    That's what I used to call it, paying the rent. And believe me, I haven't paid the rent in a long time.

  7. 00:12

    Toni

    Candace, we need to figure out a way to making the rent at this point.

  8. 00:15

    Candace

    Hmm.

  9. 00:17

    Toni

    Car wash.

  10. 00:18

    Car wash.

  11. 00:19

    Toni

    We need to make our rent. Don't beep. You want us to wash your bike?

  12. 00:22

    Candace

    Stop.

  13. 00:23

    Toni

    Right here.

  14. 00:24

    Candace

    Well, don't slow down and drive off. Oh, good. Hi, sir.

  15. 00:28

    Speaker 1

    Just pull around or?

  16. 00:29

    Toni

    Yeah, right around here now.

  17. 00:30

    Speaker 1

    OK.

  18. 00:32

    Candace

    OK, so would you like your car today or tomorrow?

  19. 00:35

    Speaker 1

    Today.

  20. 00:35

    Candace

    OK, so this is a rush job for today.

  21. 00:38

    Toni

    Do you want a ding-dong wickety window or a rim trim keep it slim? Or we also do a light, bright tire and 2D.

  22. 00:45

    Speaker 1

    OK.

  23. 00:46

    Candace

    Do you want a light, bright tire and 2D?

  24. 00:48

    Speaker 1

    I just said, yeah.

  25. 00:49

    Candace

    I don't overhear everything.

  26. 00:50

    Speaker 1

    Sorry, yes, I would like to.

  27. 00:51

    Candace

    It's not my business.

  28. 00:52

    OK.

  29. 00:52

    Candace

    OK, before we go inside the car, we need to know, and you've got to be truthful about this, do you have a dog in the car?

  30. 00:57

    Speaker 1

    No. No.

  31. 00:57

    Candace

    Has there ever been a dog in the car?

  32. 00:59

    Speaker 1

    Yes, I'm gonna say yes.

  33. 01:00

    Candace

    How many dogs are in the car right now?

  34. 01:02

    Speaker 1

    No dogs are in the car right now.

  35. 01:03

    Candace

    Is there a dog in the trunk?

  36. 01:05

    Speaker 1

    No, there's no.

  37. 01:07

    No.

  38. 01:08

    Candace

    Are you sure?

  39. 01:09

    Speaker 1

    Yes.

  40. 01:14

    Candace

    Whereabouts you from?

  41. 01:16

    Speaker 1

    Portland.

  42. 01:17

    Candace

    Oregon?

  43. 01:18

    Speaker 1

    Yeah.

  44. 01:19

    Candace

    Oh, nice.

  45. 01:20

    Speaker 1

    I work in real estate.

  46. 01:21

    Toni

    We're kind of in real estate business, real estate of the mind. We take a vacant space in someone's head and we fill it with literature.

  47. 01:28

    Speaker 1

    That's beautiful.

  48. 01:29

    Toni

    Thank you.

  49. 01:30

    Speaker 1

    That's beautiful. You know, you guys are doing a really great job. God, it really looks great. I mean, you guys have all the tools and the buckets and the hoses and the sponges.

  50. 01:39

    Toni

    I mean, what were you expecting? Like a Playboy car wash?

  51. 01:42

    Speaker 1

    No, I just meant that...

  52. 01:44

    Toni

    Like a tiny little triangle of a bikini with some bottom cleavage?

  53. 01:47

    Candace

    You think we're just gonna be giggling and laughing for no reason and, like, rock music playing and we're gonna be in slow motion like...

  54. 01:57

    Toni

    That the sponge is gonna be dripping down my face? That's what you're imagining right now? just a slow, wet drip?

  55. 02:03

    Speaker 1

    No.

  56. 02:04

    Toni

    When you do that with your hands, I can feel them right on me.

  57. 02:08

    Speaker 1

    Thanks, guys. Great job.

  58. 02:12

    Toni

    Candace, how did you do?

  59. 02:13

    Candace

    $12.

  60. 02:14

    Toni

    That's great. Only 100 more car washes, and we can pay the rent.

  61. 02:17

    Toni

    Yay.

  62. 02:17

    Candace

    Yay.

  63. 02:20

    Ow. Ow,

  64. 02:24

    Speaker 2

    Bad girls, fast cars.

  65. 02:29

    Candace

    Out, wait. There's water in my ear.

  66. 02:32

    Toni

    I've got water in my vagina.

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One more couldn’t hurt.

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