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Cotton Swabs
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
A doctor from a made-up association opens with a solemn warning about what cotton swabs can do to a household. A teenage girl then locks herself in the bathroom to swab her ears while her mother knocks, scolding her about her lost friends and job and accusing her of a habit. Her younger brother wanders in with a handful of swabs and brags that he is holding them for a friend, the father storms in, and the family realizes the supply came from his own medicine cabinet. The doctor returns to list three warning signs of swab abuse and gives a hotline number.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I'm holding it for a friend, Ma.
Not a speck of earwax.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This sketch opened the February 3, 1996 episode of MADtv, with David Faustino and the Pharcyde as guests.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Dr. Phillip Larson
cotton swab not menacing sounding words are they not until this happens to your family where
- 00:27
Kathy
I'm coming, ma'am.
- 00:30
Mom
Where have you been young lady
- 00:31
Kathy
I told you been practice
- 00:32
Mom
oh really is that why you left your French horn at home
- 00:35
Kathy
mom you've been spying on me again
- 00:37
Mom
Kathy what has gotten into you your friends don't call anymore you lost your job at the frosty freeze you spend all your time in this bathroom
- 00:45
Kathy
God God, you're no.
- 00:51
Mom
using cotton Swabs again? How could you do this to your father and me?
- 00:56
Kathy
You won't tell Dad, will you, Mom?
- 00:58
Mom
I can't take this anymore. You're throwing your life away.
- 01:03
Danny
Hey, check it out, sis. Long-tip pharmaceuticals.
- 01:06
Kathy
Ma!
- 01:07
Mom
Danny, you got your brother hooked, too?
- 01:10
Danny
I'm holding it for a friend, Ma.
- 01:11
Mom
Oh, Danny, listen to yourself.
- 01:14
Dad
What's going on here?
- 01:15
Danny
Nothing. It's okay, Dad.
- 01:18
Dad
What's Danny done now?
- 01:19
Danny
Get off my back, Dad.
- 01:21
Mom
Happy swabbing again, and so is Danny.
- 01:24
Dad
Come here, boy. Let me see your ear. Not a speck of earwax. Where'd you get the cotton swabs? Boy, answer me!
- 01:33
Danny
From you, Dad. Got it from your medicine cabinet.
- 01:38
Mom
This is your fault for bringing cotton swabs into Good our house. morning.
- 01:46
Dr. Phillip Larson
Good morning. I'm Dr. Philip Larson. There are three ways to spot swab abuse before it destroys another life. 1. Increased sensitivity in hearing 2.
- 02:05
Dr. Phillip Larson
Two Used cotton swabs left in the toilet 3. The use of swab substitutes and earwax deposits left around the house If you know someone who exhibits one or more of these symptoms, please do not ignore their silent cry for help. To help, call the Cotton Head Hotline at 1-500-555-SWAB
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