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Drunk President

Mad TV1996Season 2Episode 10
Mad TV
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A man wakes up hungover in a ruined bedroom to learn that he is the President of the United States, and his Secret Service agent has the whole story.

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The funny people

Meet the cast. 2

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Highly quotable.

I failed high school twice. I buttered bagels for a living. How in the hell would anyone elect me president?

I actually said freakin'? No, sir, but I'm a Mormon.

The premise

Here’s the bit.

A groggy man wakes in a trashed bedroom with a stranger standing over him, who introduces himself as Special Agent Mitchum and calls him Mr. President. The last thing he remembers is a bar night with his girlfriend, but the agent explains that he got drunk, ran for office, won and has just begun his second term. As the President protests that he failed high school and buttered bagels for a living, the agent lists his accomplishments: tough-talking crime and drug policies, Mars, three annexed states, a world war that lasted minutes and a cure for cancer reached by the most unorthodox means. The day's schedule turns out to include a pissing contest with the Speaker of the House and a joyride in Air Force One with the First Lady, and the President decides sobriety is overrated and sends for the gin, then begs the agent not to tell anyone he was seen this way.

ScriptEnglish · 67 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:04

    President

    on my head Whoa! whoa who the hell are you

  2. 00:11

    Special Agent Mitchum

    special agent mitchum good morning sir

  3. 00:16

    President

    oh man hot as bad oh look i'm sorry i'll get out of here i gotta get home

  4. 00:21

    Special Agent Mitchum

    you are home mr president

  5. 00:24

    President

    who are you talking to

  6. 00:27

    Special Agent Mitchum

    you sir

  7. 00:29

    President

    where am i

  8. 00:31

    Special Agent Mitchum

    you're in your bedroom room sir

  9. 00:33

    President

    okay if i'm in my bedroom then how'd you get in here

  10. 00:37

    Special Agent Mitchum

    i have a key we all do

  11. 00:40

    President

    we

  12. 00:41

    Special Agent Mitchum

    the secret service mr president

  13. 00:45

    President

    the secret service mr president okay well if i'm the president what's the president doing this dump huh

  14. 00:57

    Special Agent Mitchum

    oh you've done some redecorating sir

  15. 00:59

    President

    nice Nice helicopter

  16. 01:05

    Special Agent Mitchum

    it's yours sir

  17. 01:06

    President

    okay look the last thing i remember was being at the piper's pub with my girlfriend she asked me what i thought about seeing other people and i told her i'd get back to her after i had 30 beers

  18. 01:18

    Special Agent Mitchum

    there's really not much more to the story sir you got drunk ran for president and won

  19. 01:22

    President

    how long have i been drunk

  20. 01:26

    Special Agent Mitchum

    you've just started your second term

  21. 01:28

    President

    you're saying the people of america elected a drunk man president?

  22. 01:34

    Special Agent Mitchum

    And then re-elected him.

  23. 01:36

    President

    That is impossible. My name is David Herman. I failed high school twice. I buttered bagels for a living. How in the hell would anyone elect me president?

  24. 01:46

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Well, I think people found you kind of refreshing, sir. I mean, you are pretty up front with your views.

  25. 01:50

    President

    I don't have any views.

  26. 01:52

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Maybe not now, sir, but when you get in front of a TV camera with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you can be extremely opinionated.

  27. 01:57

    President

    America. You've changed America

  28. 02:00

    Special Agent Mitchum

    How? How? Well, you ended the war against crime with your brilliant Give us your guns, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off, Bill. And you won the war against drugs with your brilliant Give us your drugs, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off campaign.

  29. 02:13

    President

    I actually said freakin'?

  30. 02:15

    Special Agent Mitchum

    No, sir, but I'm a Mormon.

  31. 02:18

    President

    Look, I am the first to admit that America isn't the swiftest country in the world, but this is absolutely...

  32. 02:22

    Special Agent Mitchum

    People were skeptical at first, sir, but when you gave your famous bitch slap to America speech, they really started to listen.

  33. 02:28

    President

    So I just get drunk and people listen?

  34. 02:30

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Yes, basically that's it, sir. Your campaign slogan was, was, hey, America, last call.

  35. 02:35

    President

    What does that mean?

  36. 02:37

    Special Agent Mitchum

    I don't know, sir, but it was sure a hell of a lot catchier than four more with Clinton and Gore.

  37. 02:41

    President

    Oh, God. It was like a nightmare.

  38. 02:44

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Actually, no, sir. In five short years, you put men on Mars and acquired three new states.

  39. 02:49

    President

    Three new states?

  40. 02:50

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Cuba, Saskatchewan, and Germany.

  41. 02:51

    President

    And how exactly does one go about acquiring three new states?

  42. 02:55

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Well, with Cuba, you just simply woke up one morning, went to the U.N., and told the people, and I'm quoting here, Cuba's now part of the United States. Anybody got a problem with that?

  43. 03:04

    Special Agent Mitchum

    And nobody had a problem with that. Well, the ambassador of France had certain objections, but that ended when you asked him to step outside.

  44. 03:12

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Saskatchewan was a straight-up trade with Canada. Well, we give him. Arrowsmith.

  45. 03:15

    President

    I see. And when you say Germany, that's Germany as in Germany, Germany, right?

  46. 03:20

    Special Agent Mitchum

    Oh, yes, you won Germany in World War III. World War III only lasted 20 minutes, and it ended with you smashing a bottle over the chancellor's face. But, uh, perhaps your greatest achievement, sir, was your cure for cancer.

  47. 03:32

    President

    How did I cure cancer?

  48. 03:33

    Special Agent Mitchum

    well you took nine of the heads of the world's largest corporations and gave them all cancer within seven months we had four different cures

  49. 03:39

    President

    so i'm like the perfect president

  50. 03:42

    Special Agent Mitchum

    actually no sir alcoholism has become a big problem

  51. 03:46

    President

    oh well no kidding wait wait what do i do now

  52. 03:49

    Special Agent Mitchum

    have some breakfast

  53. 03:50

    President

    no i mean what do i do now that i'm sober

  54. 03:52

    Special Agent Mitchum

    have some breakfast breakfast of course being a bottle of gin

  55. 03:55

    President

    okay then what

  56. 03:59

    Special Agent Mitchum

    well then at 12 o'clock you've challenged the speaker of of the house to a pissing contest after that you're taking the missus for a joyride in air force one

  57. 04:07

    President

    whom i'm married to

  58. 04:08

    Special Agent Mitchum

    winona rider

  59. 04:09

    President

    yeah no kidding

  60. 04:11

    Special Agent Mitchum

    no kidding sir

  61. 04:12

    President

    uh you know what cancel the pissing contest hand me that bottle of gin and send for the first lady

  62. 04:17

    Special Agent Mitchum

    done

  63. 04:17

    President

    and uh mitchell

  64. 04:19

    Special Agent Mitchum

    yes sir

  65. 04:20

    President

    don't tell anyone you saw me this way okay

  66. 04:22

    Special Agent Mitchum

    who'd believe me?

  67. 04:23

    President

    Oh, yeah.

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