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Vancome Lady: Casino
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The funny people
Meet the cast. 7
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Congratulations, kid. I knew you'd make it.
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Kathy, the Vancome Lady, takes over a blackjack table and immediately starts belittling the players. An impatient regular, a newlywed couple and an Arab gambler all receive insults along with losing hands, while Kathy bends the rules to keep their chips. When her manager arrives, he praises her ability to fleece the customers and promotes her to a higher-stakes table. The regular congratulates Kathy, who reveals that the woman is her mother.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:06
Kathy's mother
Deal again.
- 00:07
Off-duty dealer
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm off duty now.
- 00:09
Kathy's mother
Well, if you're going, go. Cards! I need cards!
- 00:15
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Hello, and welcome to the Carney Time Hotel and Casino, a subsidiary of the Gambino Olive Oil and Cheese Importing Company, and Takahito Entertainment. How may I help you?
- 00:27
Kathy's mother
How do you think, stupid? Deal. I've been waiting over 30 seconds.
- 00:31
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
I just wanted to give your liver time to cool off.
- 00:36
Kathy's mother
Listen, Sushi Lips, cut the chatter and hit me.
- 00:39
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Well, if I had a sock full of quarters, maybe I could work something out.
- 00:43
Kathy's mother
You're a caution. Hit me.
- 00:45
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Oh, bust.
- 00:47
Kathy's mother
Ah, dang.
- 00:49
Newlywed gambler
Wow, baby! This is our lucky night!
- 00:55
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay, James Brown, would you like to have a seat, or are you and Whoopi just here for the free drinks?
- 01:02
Newlywed gambler
Me and my lovely bride I'm here to take all your lovely cash moneys.
- 01:09
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Why don't you three get a room?
- 01:11
Kathy's mother
Okay, why don't you iron your face before you go out in public?
- 01:15
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
And the liquor sponge busts. And the Jeffersons are moving on up. and over 21!
- 01:25
Gambler's wife
Aw, you're damn!
- 01:27
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
So sorry, Weezy, you've been canceled! Canceled.
- 01:30
Newlywed gambler
Young lady, do you realize with whom you are speaking?
- 01:33
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
I'm sorry, I must have missed that episode of Cops.
- 01:36
Kathy's mother
Shut up, you half-used Q-tip and deal.
- 01:39
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay, ma'am, would you mind shaking your face? We seem to be missing a couple of aces.
- 01:44
Ha-ha!
- 01:45
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Now, we are losing, and we're losing, and we've lost!
- 01:51
Newlywed gambler
Oh, damn, baby, why you got me pussyfootin' around? Let's bet it all! Hey! Ha-ha-ha!
- 01:57
Arab gambler
You may deal at me the blackjack.
- 01:59
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
It would be my pleasure, Abdul. I hope that's not one of our pillowcases on your head.
- 02:05
Arab gambler
Uh, I do not understand. I understand. Teach me the blackjack. How much to bet?
- 02:10
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay, you put these thousand dollar chips here. I keep taking them till they're all gone.
- 02:15
Kathy's mother
I'll just park your ass and get on with it.
- 02:18
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay, ma'am, I'm sorry, but there are no leather bags allowed on the... Oh, you'll have to excuse me. I didn't know that was your hand.
- 02:27
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay. The bottom feeder loses. Ali Baba loses, and...
- 02:36
Newlywed gambler
Come on, let's do it.
- 02:36
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Uh, 21!
- 02:38
Newlywed gambler
Ah! Baby, we won!
- 02:39
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Cha! you know what? See, here at the Cardi Time Hotel and Casino, a tie goes to the house, which means it'll be a long time before you could afford one.
- 02:50
Gambler's wife
Thank you, Mary, that's all the money I've ever had in my life!
- 02:54
Speaker 1
Okay, shoot! Shoot!
- 02:57
Arab gambler
Hit me, dear lady!
- 02:59
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay, so, two cards for the sack-a-fat, and two cards for Arafat. Hit or stand?
- 03:06
Arab gambler
Uh, what does it mean when cards add to 21?
- 03:08
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
It means you say, hit me.
- 03:11
Arab gambler
Hit me!
- 03:13
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Oh, 28 and 22. Too bad, Sinbad.
- 03:18
Arab gambler
I play good. You take the chips, huh? You are good at dealing the blackjack. Perhaps you'd like to be wife number four.
- 03:27
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
You know what? Uh-uh. Oh, let me say it in words you could understand.
- 03:36
Arab gambler
How dare you insult my country, my race, my religion? You are rude, lady. Where is Wayne Newton?
- 03:42
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay. Thanks so much for stopping by, Sheik. Love your condoms.
- 03:50
Casino manager
Kathy, I've been watching you. You've cheated, insulted, and deceived people all night long. As far as I'm concerned, you're the best damn dealer I've ever seen. We're moving you to the $10,000 table.
- 04:02
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Well, Christmas on a cracker, that's certainly a change of pace now, isn't it? Do I still have to sleep with you?
- 04:10
Casino manager
Yes.
- 04:11
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Okay. Bye-bye. Thank you. Okay.
- 04:14
Kathy's mother
Congratulations, kid. I knew you'd make it.
- 04:16
Vancome Lady (Kathy)
Thanks, Mom.
- 04:17
Kathy's mother
Deal!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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