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Best Buy Firing

Saturday Night Live 2013 Season 39 Episode 7

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Before a Black Friday layoff meeting even gets going, two Best Buy employees preemptively roast every coworker in the store, but the manager's real target is the quiet guy standing behind them.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

A Best Buy manager calls a team meeting to announce that holiday hiring left the store overstaffed. Convinced they are about to be fired, Dana and Niff seize the floor and take turns insulting each colleague: a coworker's oversized phone, a birthmark, braces, orange snack dust around a mouth, a claim to fame as a rescued toddler, a guitarist's long fingernails and even a brother's red afro. They break into a recorder rendition of a nursery rhyme and play a word-guessing game at their coworkers' expense, while the manager keeps trying to wrap up. Eventually he reveals that the person being let go is Andrew, the silent bowl-cut employee they have long suspected of being a killer. Andrew appears right behind the manager, who quickly learns why.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 16

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It's not helping anybody.

I am baby Jessica.

Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone?

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

This is the third Store Firing sketch after McDonald's Firing (2012) and Barnes & Noble Firing (2013), with Cecily Strong, Bobby Moynihan and Taran Killam returning as Dana, Niff and Andrew.

ScriptEnglish · 77 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:01
Todd
Okay, everybody, team meeting, please. Quick team meeting. I, uh, I have some bad news. We were a little overzealous in our Black Friday hiring, and we were overstaffed this season. So, unfortunately, we were...
00:14
Niff
Oh, yeah, right!
00:15
Dana
Oh, please! You overstaffed? Let me guess, buy two?
00:18
Niff
Yeah, we know you firing us, because all these ugly-ass mugs keep complaining.
00:23
Dana
Planet of the apes-looking bitches!
00:25
Niff
You stupid-ass apes!
00:27
Todd
I, uh, I don't know what you're talking about. I'd love to really just get through this really quickly at 5 p.m.
00:31
Niff
Not listening, Todd, because if we going out, then we going out on top like Breaking Bad.
00:36
Dana
So please direct your attention over to Dylan.
00:39
Niff
Oh, Dylan, why is your phone so damn big? I mean, the dummy got a 96-inch flat screen on his belt.
00:47
Dana
What do you need that phone for? Are you trying to take a picture of Rosie's big-ass neck tattoo?
00:54
Rosie
It's a birthmark.
00:55
Niff
Oh, no, it's a bitchmark.
00:59
Dana
because you were put on this earth to be a bitch.
01:02
Niff
No! You a bitch.
01:05
Todd
Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It's not helping anybody.
01:08
Niff
Oh, speaking of not helping, look at these jacked-up fools. The Geek Squad? Woof! More like... The Geek Squad.
01:19
Dana
And you didn't have to change that one.
01:20
Niff
No, and can't you see that no one needs you anymore? Or is you blind? Three blind bitches. Three blind bitches. See how they suck. I don't wanna see ya suck See how they suck One is a bitch with dirty hair and what is a bitch who buzzin' can
01:37
Dana
Everyone has best skin
01:41
Todd
Dana, Niff, please, stop
01:43
Dana
Oh, but how can we stop When it's time to play the pyramid
01:47
Niff
Oh, that's my favorite
01:48
Dana
Stupid face
01:49
Niff
Pass
01:50
Dana
Can't read
01:50
Niff
Pass
01:51
Dana
Stink breath
01:52
Niff
Oh, that's that trash pile, Beth
01:54
Beth
Okay, that hurt, but thanks for not bringing up my adult braces
01:57
Niff
Oh, come on, Beth, I mean, we're not monsters
02:00
Dana
Yeah, we have a heart
02:01
Todd
Guys, this is getting a little weird for everyone.
02:03
Dana
Oh, no, speaking of weird, Drew, have you eaten Cheetos today?
02:07
Drew
No.
02:10
Niff
Cheetos?
02:12
Drew
No.
02:13
Niff
Then why on earth is your mouth so orange?
02:17
Dana
You look like you were face deep in Garfield's butt.
02:20
Niff
I mean, leave that... alone!
02:22
Dana
It's a Monday!
02:24
Todd
It is a little strange, Drew.
02:26
Dana
No, no, no, which brings us to this motor mouth.
02:29
Niff
Jessica, we are sick and tired of hearing about how you was that baby Jessica that fell down that well.
02:36
Jessica McClure
I am baby Jessica.
02:38
Dana
Well, now you work at Best Buy!
02:40
Niff
Yeah, you was better off...
02:43
Todd
That's enough. Really, it's not...
02:44
Niff
Oh, enough? Well, you obviously talking to Grace.
02:47
Dana
Yeah, we all know you wear butt pads to make your butt look good.
02:50
Grace
Actually, I don't.
02:52
Niff
Oh, well, damn, girl.
02:54
Dana
Good on you.
02:55
Niff
Nice.
02:55
Todd
Good on you. That's very nice.
02:58
Dana
No, now where's that freak bitch Edward?
02:59
Niff
Yeah, where he?
03:01
Dana
Cut your nails! Nobody cares if you're a classical guitarist! We work at Best Buy! To us, you're just like Edward Scissorhands!
03:09
Niff
Yeah! Sorry I got weird fingers, Winona Ryder!
03:15
Edward
Okay, you had that snow in your pocket. You clearly planned this.
03:18
Niff
Oh, and by the way, Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone? You kill I mean, you follow us from job to job! I guess we just have to accept the fact that you you will kill us one day.
03:34
Dana
And we gonna kill one of us, both of us? What's the plan?
03:40
Todd
That was unsettling.
03:41
Dana
No, what's unsettling is Randy's hair color.
03:44
Niff
Yeah, I mean, you look like Ronald McDonald.
03:49
Randy
Who's Ronald McDonald?
03:51
Dana
Hey, Ben, you're stupid. You like magic.
03:54
Ben
Yeah, yeah, how did you know?
03:56
Dana
You want to watch us turn one bitch into three bitches?
04:00
Niff
Ooh. Look at that. It's magic.
04:04
Ben
Oh, I can't believe that.
04:09
Todd
Guys, look, I know that Dylan is a bitch, that Rosie sucks, and Drew loves Garfield's butt. I get it. Everybody knows that. It's a fact. But you're not getting fired. Andrew is, okay?
04:21
Todd
Where is Andrew? He's standing right behind me, isn't he?
04:28
Niff
Ooh, well, so long, Todd. You was a great manager, and you an even bigger bitch.
04:33
Dana
Good meeting y'all. I'll catch you on the flip.
04:35
Dana
in Brooklyn. Mm-hmm.
04:35
Niff
Yo! Sorry, guys. we won't give up. God rest in peace, come on!