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Thanksgiving Week Airport Parade
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The funny people
Meet the cast. 19
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Turkey is barely a meat.
Make that make damn sense.
The premise
Here’s the bit.
TSA agents Chartreuse Hamilton and Umberto present holiday travelers as attractions in a mock parade broadcast from Newark Airport. An arguing couple and a woman carrying three service dogs pass the commentators before Captain Gary Rogers checks in from the airport bar and flirts with Chartreuse. A TSA agent repeats his instructions, a traveler struggles with an early sleeping pill, and a father tries gentle parenting on his unruly daughter. A man invites an unusually thorough security pat-down, while another traveler layers on clothing to avoid baggage fees. A passenger’s outburst attracts a man filming a viral video, followed by a dance from flight attendants. Chartreuse returns with Captain Gary after their private detour, and the hosts promise a Christmas edition.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Parade announcer (voice)
Live from Gate 78 in Terminal C, it's the Hudson News Thanksgiving Week Airport Parade.
- 00:07
It's chaos, it's mayhem, and everyone's afraid. It's the Thanksgiving Week Airport Parade.
- 00:13
Chartreuse Hamilton
Good morning from Newark Airport, everybody's third choice. My name is Agent Chartreuse Hamilton.
- 00:21
TSA Agent Umberto
And I'm Umberto.
- 00:23
Chartreuse Hamilton
Umberto, is that Spanish?
- 00:24
TSA Agent Umberto
No, Chartreuse, it's Filipino, ya boys, Pinoy.
- 00:27
Chartreuse Hamilton
Love. Well, it's the busiest travel week of the year, and as always, the parade will draw thousands of travelers. Umberto, who can we expect to see on the route this year?
- 00:37
TSA Agent Umberto
Well, some new appearances, as well as some timeless classics, and here's one now.
- 00:41
Chartreuse Hamilton
Up first, it's a couple on their last Thanksgiving trip together.
- 00:45
Man in arguing couple
Babe, can you just not be vegan for, like, one day?
- 00:48
Vegan woman in arguing couple
Oh, my God, don't.
- 00:49
Man in arguing couple
Turkey is barely a meat.
- 00:51
Vegan woman in arguing couple
Don't.
- 00:51
Man in arguing couple
And you don't get enough protein.
- 00:52
Vegan woman in arguing couple
Nice side. Don't.
- 00:55
Chartreuse Hamilton
Sounds like he better don't.
- 00:58
TSA Agent Umberto
Next, an airport staple. It's a woman with service animals she clearly doesn't need.
- 01:03
Chartreuse Hamilton
Wow, ma'am, you are really going for it this year. Three dogs?
- 01:07
Woman with service animals
Yeah, this one's for my rosacea, this one's for my eczema, and this one's for my anxiety.
- 01:14
TSA Agent Umberto
And why do you have anxiety?
- 01:16
Woman with service animals
I'm traveling with three dogs!
- 01:19
TSA Agent Umberto
Of course. Let's throw it over to the parade staging area, a.k.a. the bar at Chili's to go, with our parade correspondent, Captain Gary Rogers, Gary.
- 01:29
Captain Gary Rogers
Thanks, Humberto. Ooh, chartreuse. You're looking good. You like my stripes?
- 01:35
Chartreuse Hamilton
Oh, yeah. I sure do. Me and Captain Gary got a little flirtation going on, okay? I'm trying to be a tap into captain.
- 01:44
Captain Gary Rogers
And just so you know, I give every woman I sleep with one of these nice little wingpens.
- 01:51
TSA Agent Umberto
Yuck. Those are supposed to be for kids.
- 01:54
TSA Agent Umberto
Alright, coming up now is a TSA agent shouting the same thing 12 different ways.
- 01:58
TSA agent David Hopkins
laptop out the bag laptop out the bag if you got a laptop in the bag go ahead and take it on out
- 02:08
Chartreuse Hamilton
it's like he's stuck on loop
- 02:10
TSA Agent Umberto
sir are you enjoying the parade
- 02:11
TSA agent David Hopkins
laptop out the bag
- 02:15
Chartreuse Hamilton
wonderful next up you may think this is a float based on how much she's slowly she's moving but but it's actually a woman who took her Ambien a little too early.
- 02:24
Traveler who took Ambien early
Do not let me order a wine.
- 02:29
TSA Agent Umberto
Oh, wait, looks like we're getting an audience question for Captain Gary. Gary, what are your Thanksgiving plans?
- 02:35
Captain Gary Rogers
Ha ha, spending it at home in my apartment with the 14 other pilots.
- 02:39
Chartreuse Hamilton
Oh, a man with roommates. That's my type, that's my type, okay.
- 02:45
TSA Agent Umberto
We're now entering the family portion of the parade.
- 02:47
Chartreuse Hamilton
Yes, it's a gentle parenting father and his out-of-control evil child.
- 02:52
Gentle parenting father
Hannah, sweetie, your feelings are valid, but Daddy wonders if there's a more productive way to express yourself, because we want to have a good Thanksgiving, right?
- 03:01
Hannah
Screw you, bitch.
- 03:03
Gentle parenting father
Oh!
- 03:05
Chartreuse Hamilton
See, sometimes, You just got to whoop him.
- 03:09
TSA Agent Umberto
Whoop him.
- 03:10
TSA Agent Umberto
Captain Gary, what you got cooking?
- 03:12
Captain Gary Rogers
I'm here with a guy who wants the pat-downs for all the wrong reasons.
- 03:16
Traveler requesting a pat-down
You can use the front of your hand if you want.
- 03:19
TSA agent
Why would I want that?
- 03:22
Captain Gary Rogers
Brother, I like your style.
- 03:25
Chartreuse Hamilton
Ooh, yikes,
- 03:26
TSA Agent Umberto
chartreuse. I hope Captain Rogers isn't about to fly, but if he is, I pray my ex-boyfriend is on the flight. I won't say his name, because I'm classy, so I'll just flash his name on the screen.
- 03:38
Chartreuse Hamilton
And, wow, look, it's an airport parade mainstay. Woman who refuses to check a bag.
- 03:46
Woman refusing to check a bag
75 damn dollars to check a bag that ticket to Boston was only 40 damn dollars make that make damn sense
- 03:55
Chartreuse Hamilton
well damn
- 03:56
TSA Agent Umberto
looks like it's time for our grand finale it's the biggest star of the parade woman who's about to go viral video
- 04:03
Tiffany Gomas
am telling you right now, that motherfucker is not real.
- 04:11
Traveler filming a viral video
Yo, yo, this gonna go viral on black twitter and white twitter
- 04:16
Chartreuse Hamilton
oh now we have one last surprise performance by the only people who are happy to be working this This week, it's the gay flight attendants who are estranged from their families.
- 04:27
Flight attendant
My chosen family is my co-workers, and my chosen home is Mykonos.
- 04:33
.
- 04:38
TSA Agent Umberto
Sway.
- 04:40
TSA Agent Umberto
Well, we've had a lovely Thanksgiving week airport parade, haven't we, chartreuse? Wait, where'd chartreuse go?
- 04:46
Captain Gary Rogers
She was getting her wings.
- 04:48
TSA Agent Umberto
Oh, damn it. You two, people use that room for breastfeeding.
- 04:53
Chartreuse Hamilton
So did he.
- 04:54
TSA Agent Umberto
Okay. All right, we gotta sing ourselves out. Let's go.
- 04:57
BE SURE TO REMEMBER, WE'RE BACK IN DECEMBER FOR THE CHRISTMAS WEEKEND WARD PARADE!
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