You're tuned to the good stuff
Barnes & Noble Firing
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A manager calls a quick meeting at a bookstore, warning that missing inventory means someone has to go. Dana and Niff decide they are the targets and go out swinging, taking turns ripping into each coworker by name, from a hapless colleague's chair-sitting habits to a ponytail, a charades habit and a possibly sinister silent coworker. A pair of conjoined-twin employees get their turn, and the manager keeps pleading for calm until a medical emergency interrupts. When he finally announces his decision, he insists he would fire no one except the already worn-down Carl, while Dana and Niff cheerfully ask for someone to cover their shifts.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 14
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Yeah, and you're barely a Seuss.
We're conjoined twins, how could you not know that?
Yeah, man, I hope your funeral sucks, Carl.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Marshall
Hey, guys, hey, guys, let's do a quick staff meeting, please. Look, there's been an issue with some missing inventory, so, uh, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to let somebody go today.
- 00:11
Niff
Yeah, right!
- 00:12
Marshall
Oh, what?
- 00:13
Dana
We know you nerds hate us because we work in a cafe.
- 00:18
Niff
Y'all ratted us out.
- 00:20
Dana
Yeah, we in a room full of rats.
- 00:22
Niff
Well, squeak, squeak, rats.
- 00:24
Dana
Yeah, because if we going out, we going out on top like rat kings.
- 00:27
Niff
Yeah, we're gonna tell all y'all what we really think.
- 00:31
Dana
Uh-huh.
- 00:31
Marshall
Okay, guys, can you calm down? Please don't do this right now.
- 00:34
Dana
Oh, drum roll, please!
- 00:37
Niff
Clark!
- 00:38
Dana
Clark, you are straight-up stupid!
- 00:40
Niff
You a dummy dumb!
- 00:42
Dana
Yeah, I saw you sitting on that little chair in the children's section trying to look like a giant.
- 00:47
Niff
You a jolly green dickhead!
- 00:49
Dana
Yeah!
- 00:50
Niff
Ho, ho, ho!
- 00:51
Dana
Green dickhead!
- 00:53
Niff
Ooh!
- 00:54
Dana
You are the dumbest bitch I ever met, Clark,
- 00:57
Niff
except maybe Trenton!
- 00:59
Dana
Trenton!
- 01:00
Niff
Why do you always look so wet? Why? Do you, do... hatch out of an egg?
- 01:07
Dana
Do you go to the Kids' Choice Awards before work and get slimed? You're a swamp thing. You're a little wet boy.
- 01:16
Trenton
I get nervous around books.
- 01:19
Marshall
Okay. Listen, can we keep people's personal appearances out of this, please?
- 01:22
Dana
Yeah, of course we can. Sure. Right after we talk about Rudy's stupid ponytail. Oh, I hate that thing.
- 01:29
Niff
Rudy, you grew that ponytail to look cool on a motorcycle that you ain't even bought yet
- 01:38
Dana
Rudy's a bitch
- 01:39
Marshall
Oh, damn
- 01:42
Norah
Guys, this is really rude.
- 01:45
Dana
Oh, surprise, surprise Who chimes in?
- 01:48
Niff
Nosy buckethead Nora
- 01:50
Dana
Yeah, Nora, quit trying to play 20 questions with me every day
- 01:54
Norah
I asked you where the bathroom was on my first day
- 01:58
Norah
And I told you I don't know. I'm not rude. I go before work
- 02:03
Niff
Yeah, and if you like games so much buckethead, how about charades?
- 02:08
Dana
One word, a person.
- 02:10
Norah
I don't know. I don't pee all the time.
- 02:12
Niff
Oh, it's that dumbass Nora.
- 02:15
Dana
You don't talk during charades.
- 02:17
Dana
Oh, envelope, please. And the Oscar for person who I most want to open slap in the face goes to
- 02:26
Niff
to Leo Seuss.
- 02:28
Dana
Quit saying how if you were a doctor, you would be Dr. Seuss.
- 02:32
Leo Seuss
Yeah, I would be. It's my last name.
- 02:35
Niff
But you are not a doctor.
- 02:36
Dana
Yeah, and you're barely a Seuss.
- 02:39
Dana
Beep! Beep! Beep! Oh no! We're losing this bitch!
- 02:45
Niff
Oh no! Not on my watch! Clear! B-b-b-b-bitch!
- 02:49
Dana
He's still a bitch! Damn it, I'm calling it. No! Time of bitch, bitch 30 PM, January bitch teen 2000, bitch.
- 02:58
Marshall
I'm sorry.
- 03:00
Marshall
OK, guys, look, you got Dr. Seuss.
- 03:02
Marshall
Can we just move on, please?
- 03:03
Dana
Yeah, I wish Randrew would move on from stalking us. Yeah, he got the glassy-eyed stare of a man with nothing to lose.
- 03:14
Niff
Seriously!
- 03:14
Niff
Seriously, somebody better check Randrew's crawlspace because I am a thousand percent sure that it is full of orphan bones.
- 03:22
Marshall
Okay, just yesterday both of you told me how much you enjoyed this job
- 03:25
Dana
Hey Carolyn, did you know that you were in the dictionary under junkie weirdo?
- 03:34
Carolyn
How far ahead did you plan this?
- 03:37
Niff
Oh, shut up and quit acting like a sad sack, PJ
- 03:40
Dana
Yeah, I saw you changing in the bathroom You got a big old ding-dong, PJ, so act like it
- 03:46
Niff
Take pride in your body
- 03:47
Dana
Yeah That's
- 03:50
Marshall
Which brings us to Jamie and Judy
- 03:53
Dana
Oh, Jamie and Judy
- 03:54
Niff
What are you, joined at the hip? You need to branch out
- 03:57
Dana
Yeah, mix and mingle, you idiot
- 03:58
Niff
Why do I never see you two apart?
- 04:01
Jamie
We're conjoined twins, how could you not know that?
- 04:04
Judy
We share a pancreas.
- 04:07
Marshall
Wow. Well, that's brave.
- 04:09
Niff
Yeah, good for you guys. Good for you.
- 04:11
Marshall
Okay, look, are you guys done now?
- 04:13
Dana
How could we be done when Carl still has breath in his lungs?
- 04:18
Carl
Oh, boy, here we go.
- 04:20
Niff
Carl, who is getting from a sleeping bag full of garbage like you?
- 04:26
Dana
Yeah, man, I hope your funeral sucks, Carl.
- 04:29
Niff
You a dumb worm.
- 04:31
Carl
Well, you make some valid points.
- 04:32
Marshall
Okay, stop it, stop it. Dana, enough.
- 04:36
Marshall
I don't understand, I understand your frustration. I really do. I'm the one that has to manage these losers. And sure, I look around the room and I see a bunch of knuckleheads and freaks and dumb sad sacks and bitches. But at the end of the day, we are family, okay? Family, people, and I understand something. I would never fire any person in this room except for Carl.
- 04:54
Carl
Oh no.
- 04:56
Marshall
Except for Carl. He's a bitch. He's old, he's useless. He's just not good to me.
- 05:02
Marshall
So, Carl, sorry, Carl, you got to go. For real, you got to go.
- 05:14
Marshall
That's where the popcorn pops. At the drawing board. Okay, see you, guys.
- 05:20
Dana
Oh, man, I feel bad for Carl.
- 05:23
Niff
Yeah, I feel real bad for Carl. He'd be all right, though.
- 05:25
Dana
Oh, hey, guys, I know this is a bad time, but can anyone cover our shifts next weekend?
- 05:31
Dana
Ooh, please, please.
- 05:32
Niff
No. Oh, no takers?
- 05:34
Dana
Oh.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from across the archive.
