Steven's Parents' Divorce

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:04
   

   Teacher

   I'd like to welcome everybody back from summer vacation to another exciting semester of class. Before we get started, did anyone have any exciting stories they wanted to share about their summer breaks?

2. 00:14
   

   Steven

   Well, Mom and Dad's divorce isn't going so well.

3. 00:17
   

   Teacher

   And I see that Steven is back again this year. Hello, Steven.

4. 00:21
   

   Steven

   Things are getting pretty ugly, and Dad lost his job because he showed up at Mom's house, which is against the law.

5. 00:26
   

   Teacher

   That's great, Steven. That's great.

6. 00:28
   

   Steven

   Dad also has to go to court because he beat up one of Mom's boyfriends at the gas station, but it was okay because mom had four different boyfriends this summer and they all stayed over.

7. 00:36
   

   Teacher

   Wonderful, Steven!

8. 00:37
   

   Steven

   Dad says she's really showing her true colors and he wouldn't be surprised if she dies of AIDS.

9. 00:41
   

   Teacher

   Steven, maybe this isn't the best conversation for us to be having in the middle of class.

10. 00:45
    

    Steven

    You know, I thought about that but then my psychiatrist said I should talk about it whenever I can and since you guys are really the only family I have left, it's kind of like I'm confiding in my comfort circle.

11. 00:53

    I can't believe I have another year of this.

12. 00:55
    

    Steven

    The big question right now is who I'm going to live with. Mom and Dad are both accusing each other of substance abuse and endangering the welfare of a child, and to be honest, they both have solid, solid cases.

13. 01:05
    

    Teacher

    Did anyone else do anything special over break? Sam?

14. 01:08
    

    Sam ?

    Well, my parents brought me out to Montauk.

15. 01:11
    

    Steven ?

    Oh, my God, that sounds so nice. The last time my parents went anywhere together is because my dad tried to kidnap my mom and take her to Louisiana against her will so we could talk.

16. 01:17
    

    Teacher

    Steven, I would like to hear from the other students now. Darren.

17. 01:22
    

    Darren

    Uh, yeah, I also went to the beach, and I asked my girlfriend to marry me, and she said yes because I'm 26 years old and in law school.

18. 01:31
    

    Steven

    Wow, that's really nice, Darren, but you shouldn't marry her if she only said yes because you're in law school because it's really not enough foundation to make a marriage last. And trust me, it is really hard to make a marriage last in today's times, what with conflicting schedules, financial burdens, crystal meth.

19. 01:43

    Stephen, how does he get good grades?

20. 01:44
    

    Teacher ?

    I don't know, but he is a borderline genius when it comes to nuptial contracts and estate settlements.

21. 01:51
    

    Steven

    Hey, you guys want to hear a song I wrote about my parents?

22. 01:53

    No. No!

23. 01:53
    

    Steven

    Well, my mom hates my dad and my dad hates my mom and my mom hates my dad and my dad hates my mom but I hope they get together again someday. But I don't think they will because my mom shot my dad's car.

24. 02:11
    

    Teacher ?

    Son of a bitch, Steven.