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Citizen Kane
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Over dinner, Dave Foley's character struggles to name the old newspaper-tycoon movie he saw on the late show. Kevin McDonald's friend keeps answering Citizen Kane, and every new clue confirms it, yet Dave rejects the title and guesses Psycho, The Trouble with Angels and The Front Page instead. When Kevin tries to borrow a newspaper to check the TV listings, Dave insists on remembering it himself, so Kevin pins his hand to the table with a steak knife. The listings prove Kevin right, but Dave will not admit he was wrong and then cannot think of the word ambulance, and Kevin's patience finally runs out for good.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
That's a Hayley Mills vehicle. That's not even close.
The Front Page is a comedy. Did you laugh once?
You want a mortician.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The troupe revisited the premise on stage as "Citizen Kane 2.0" at a November 25, 2024 benefit for writer Paul Bellini at Toronto's Danforth Music Hall, performed without Dave Foley.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Frustrated Friend
So it was a good movie. It wasn't a great movie, but how often do you see a great movie?
- 00:05
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
Oh, I saw a great movie last night. Yeah, it was on the Late Show. It was, um, uh... Oh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's a classic. It's, um, uh... Oh, I hate this. I hate it when this happens.
- 00:16
Frustrated Friend
Well, what was it about?
- 00:17
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
It's about this newspaper tycoon, and he's dead, and everybody's telling stories about him, and...
- 00:22
Frustrated Friend
It's Citizen Kane.
- 00:25
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No, that's not it. No, no, no, no, but it's something like that. It's, um...
- 00:29
Frustrated Friend
Okay, who was in it?
- 00:31
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
Orson Welles was in it.
- 00:33
Frustrated Friend
And this is Citizen Kane. It's Citizen Kane.
- 00:35
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No, that isn't it. That isn't it. But you're not far from it. It's, uh...
- 00:40
Frustrated Friend
Well, who else was in it?
- 00:41
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
I don't know.
- 00:43
Frustrated Friend
Was Joseph Codd in it?
- 00:44
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
What else has he been in?
- 00:45
Frustrated Friend
The Third Man, The Magnificent Ambersons.
- 00:47
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
Oh, The Magnificent Ambersons, yes. Yes, yes, he was in it. Yes, oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies.
- 00:51
Frustrated Friend
Well, this is definitely Citizen Kane, then. You're talking about Citizen Kane.
- 00:54
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No, no, no, but it's something like that. It's..it's..cis..cis..cisis.. ah..sine.
- 01:02
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No, not sine. Sine. Sine. Sine.
- 01:03
Frustrated Friend
Citizen Kane.
- 01:05
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
Sine. Sine.
- 01:06
Frustrated Friend
Citizen Kane.
- 01:06
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
It's psycho!
- 01:07
Frustrated Friend
No, no.
- 01:07
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
It's psycho!
- 01:08
Frustrated Friend
No, it isn't psycho.
- 01:09
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
It's psycho. No, no, no, no, it is psycho.
- 01:12
Frustrated Friend
Is this about a motel owner who's crazy and kills a woman in the shower?
- 01:15
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No, no. I just told you, it's about this newspaper tycoon. He had a slut named Rosebud and uh, and they're all trying to.. But I guess it wasn't psycho, was it?
- 01:24
Frustrated Friend
No, it wasn't psycho. It was Citizen Kane?
- 01:26
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No, it was Angie, Angie, Angela, Angela, Angels, The Trouble with Angels.
- 01:31
Frustrated Friend
No, no, no, no, it wasn't The Trouble with Angels, no. That's a Hayley Mills vehicle, that's not even close.
- 01:35
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
The front page.
- 01:36
Frustrated Friend
Oh, the front page is a comedy. Did you laugh once?
- 01:39
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No.
- 01:40
Frustrated Friend
Then I guess it wasn't the front page, was it?
- 01:42
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
Oh, well, what the hell was it then?
- 01:44
Frustrated Friend
Look, that guy has a newspaper. I'm gonna borrow, read the TV listings, and we'll settle this once.
- 01:47
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, don't. I really want to remember this myself.
- 01:49
Frustrated Friend
Please, I want to settle this.
- 01:50
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
No, I want to get it myself. Please, please, I want to remember this myself. Please, please, please. Just sit down!
- 01:54
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
it's really gonna help me to think that's great you know what you know what i almost had it i almost had it but now thanks to you i've gone blank okay thank you
- 02:08
Frustrated Friend
okay what time was it on last night
- 02:09
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
we don't need the papers
- 02:11
Frustrated Friend
the paper okay what channel
- 02:12
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
what channel was it on
- 02:13
Frustrated Friend
paper
- 02:13
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
channel three uh
- 02:15
Frustrated Friend
paper paper paper look citizen kate it was citizen kate it was citizen kate it was citizen kate
- 02:22
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
okay big deal look would you just take the knife out huh just take the knife
- 02:35
Frustrated Friend
you admit you're wrong and i'll take them
- 02:36
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
oh come on grow up take the knife out
- 02:38
Frustrated Friend
oh no no no no you never admit you're wrong when you admit you're wrong
- 02:40
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
you're being very mature now would you please take the knife
- 02:43
Frustrated Friend
what do you admit you're wrong you never admit you're wrong
- 02:44
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
look you're making a fool of yourself in front of everyone all right would you just please take the take the knife out take the damn knife out
- 02:49
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
listen um look would you mind just calling me a um oh what are they called a uh
- 03:02
Frustrated Friend
an ambulance
- 03:04
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
no no i want a um
- 03:06
Frustrated Friend
do you want two guys in the van to come and take care of your hand and bring you to a hospital
- 03:10
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
yes exactly yes
- 03:11
Frustrated Friend
then you want it
- 03:12
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
no i don't i want to uh no it isn't i want to
- 03:15
Frustrated Friend
know it's a it's an ambulance it's an ambulance it's an ambulance
- 03:18
Guy Who Won't Admit It's Citizen Kane
no no it's called
- 03:19
yeah yeah yeah yeah no do what you want on me
- 03:35
Frustrated Friend
check please
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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