The Family Christmas

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:08

   Speaker 1

   No No way. ...for no whale, no whale, no whale.

2. 00:16
   

   Eunice Higgins

   Ed, will you quit eating them nuts? I told you I'm saving them our guests. And turn off that TV. And get your camera ready. Larry's gonna be here any minute.

3. 00:27
   

   Ed Higgins

   Will you please calm down, Eunice? You're acting as though the King of England was dropping in.

4. 00:31
   

   Eunice Higgins

   Well, it just so happens I haven't seen my brother Larry in five whole years.

5. 00:36
   

   Ed Higgins

   I wonder if he's as strange as ever.

6. 00:38
   

   Eunice Higgins

   Now, don't you start on him. Just because he isn't married, that don't make him strange.

7. 00:44
   

   Ed Higgins

   Necessarily.

8. 00:46
   

   Eunice Higgins

   Oh, won't Mama be excited when she sees that Larry's here? It's gonna be such... Oh, there he is! That's Larry! I just know it!

9. 00:55
   

   Eunice Higgins

   Larry! Oh, Larry! Look, will you turn that thing off? Let me look at you! Oh, you haven't changed a bit. Except maybe you got a few character lines in your face. That's all. Oh, you remember Ed.

10. 01:15
    

    Larry Harper

    Sure, Ed.

11. 01:16
    

    Ed Higgins

    Hey, Larry, how are you, boy?

12. 01:18
    

    Larry Harper

    Okay.

13. 01:18
    

    Ed Higgins

    Welcome aboard. Hey, look at this.

14. 01:20
    

    Larry Harper

    Thank you.

15. 01:21
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Now, you just sit right down there on the couch. We got so much catching up to do. Now, let me see. Last thing I heard you was drawing pictures or something.

16. 01:30
    

    Larry Harper

    Well, in a sense, I'm a commercial illustrator, Eunice. I do illustrations for various magazines.

17. 01:35
    

    Ed Higgins

    Well, what do you say, Larry? How about a drink? Huh? They report.

18. 01:39
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Well, you cut that out. Larry doesn't want to drink this early in the day, for heaven's sakes.

19. 01:44
    

    Larry Harper

    How about a beer?

20. 01:45
    

    Ed Higgins

    One beer coming up. You're meant after my own heart, Larry.

21. 01:49
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Now, you know what, Larry? Last thing I heard about you was that you lost your job at some magazine or something, honey.

22. 01:55
    

    Larry Harper

    No, no, no, no, I finished my job, Eunice. I freelance. Freelance. I'm doing a really very interesting...

23. 02:01
    

    Ed Higgins

    The boys will be here pretty soon. They're out showing their toys to some of the neighbor boys.

24. 02:05
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Ed, Larry does not want to hear about our boys, for heaven's sakes. He was just telling me how he lost his job.

25. 02:11
    

    Larry Harper

    No, he didn't lose the job, Eunice.

26. 02:12
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Oh, I do wish you could have seen our boys this morning. They were so cute, honey. They were absolutely adorable. You remember Billy Joe?

27. 02:20
    

    Larry Harper

    Yes.

28. 02:21
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Well, you wouldn't believe him now. He's 11 years old. Well, Billy Joe, I got to tell you this. Billy Joe has been wanting a Killer Kelly doll for Christmas. He can sing the Killer Kelly doll jingle.

29. 02:32
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Anyway, So anyway, I got him one of them dolls down at Saxon's on the Mall.

30. 02:38
    

    Ed Higgins

    Yeah, I'll get a discount there, you know, because even my hardware store is on the Mall.

31. 02:42
    

    Eunice Higgins

    What has that got to do with the price of potatoes? Will you tell me that?

32. 02:45
    

    Ed Higgins

    I get it for cost, I suppose.

33. 02:47
    

    Eunice Higgins

    So anyway, I got him one of these dolls down at Saxon's on the Mall. Have you seen these Killer Kelly dolls, honey?

34. 02:52
    

    Larry Harper

    No.

35. 02:52
    

    Eunice Higgins

    They are the cutest thing. they're about yay high and they wear these little gorilla uniforms they got little bayonets to poke each other with you know anyway so i thought that billy joe would really flip out if he got one of them for christmas well to make a long story short he comes tippy-toeing down this morning and he opens up that present and he sees it's a killer kelly doll right so then you know what he did well he played with that killer kelly doll

36. 03:18
    

    Eunice Higgins

    for five minutes and then he went and got this old volleyball that we gave him last Christmas and he played with that for a whole hour

37. 03:25
    

    Larry Harper

    that's That's unbelievable

38. 03:37
    

    Eunice Higgins

    how long can you stay

39. 03:41
    

    Larry Harper

    oh and only about three days at the most I'm working on a deadline you know I have a really interesting illustration

40. 03:47

    of the prize mama when she gets here the space family

41. 03:51
    

    Eunice Higgins

    It's going to be so exciting. Mama is coming with Ellen and Ellen's whole family. oh just think of it Larry this is gonna be the first time you and me and Ellen and Mama have been together on a Christmas since we was kids.

42. 04:03
    

    Ed Higgins

    Some of my relatives are coming over if anyone's interested.

43. 04:08
    

    Eunice Higgins

    So anyway, honey, tell me, when in the world are you just gonna get married and settle down?

44. 04:15
    

    Ed Higgins

    Yeah, this bachelor life, Larry, flitting around from job to job, that ain't no life for a man.

45. 04:20
    

    Larry Harper

    Well, I don't exactly flit.

46. 04:22
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Oh, that's Mama. Now listen, listen, you get your camera ready so that you can snap Mama's face when she sees Larry, Larry, because there's going to be a big expression of surprise.

47. 04:31
    

    Ed Higgins

    Yeah, okay.

48. 04:32
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Now, I want you to hide somewhere and pop out and surprise Mama, Larry.

49. 04:35
    

    Larry Harper

    Well, look, couldn't I just stand right here?

50. 04:36
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Larry, I didn't ask you to come all this way to surprise Mama just so you could stand in the middle of the room. Oh, please, honey, just hide somewhere and pop out and say, Merry Christmas, real loud.

51. 04:46
    

    Larry Harper

    Okay,

52. 04:46
    

    Eunice Higgins

    come on, Larry. You hide over here and come up the stairs. Come on. You don't come down until I say, okay. You got it? Get up there, I say, okay. Come here. Remember, your cue is okay.

53. 04:56
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Okay, now, are you ready? You, You got that thing focused?

54. 05:00

    I spoke of her. Thank

55. 05:02
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Mama! Merry Christmas! Oh, Mama! Mama, my, what pretty packages!

56. 05:09
    

    Thelma Harper

    you, Jill. Thank you.

57. 05:10
    

    Thelma Harper

    And look at you, all done up just like a Christmas tree. Ed, you are not going to spoil my day with that stupid camera of yours, are you?

58. 05:19
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Okay.

59. 05:20
    

    Larry Harper

    Merry Christmas, Mama.

60. 05:22
    

    Thelma Harper

    Larry! Is that my Larry, my baby? You sweet darling angel boy. And I asked you not to do that in my hands and legs. You don't tell him to put that Traps, you know, I'm going home.

61. 05:36
    

    Thelma Harper

    Thank you, Don and Angel Boy. Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

62. 05:40
    

    Larry Harper

    Well, Eunice wanted to surprise you.

63. 05:41
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Are you surprised? I just surprise, don't you surprise, don't you surprise.

64. 05:46
    

    Thelma Harper

    I just wish Ellen, Arthur, and the kids could have been here.

65. 05:50
    

    Eunice Higgins

    What do you mean?

66. 05:51
    

    Thelma Harper

    They just dropped me off. They had to run on home.

67. 05:55
    

    Eunice Higgins

    What are you talking about? I invited them and the whole family.

68. 05:58
    

    Thelma Harper

    Well, they're having some kind of an open house or something, Eunice. They sent their apologies.

69. 06:02
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Just like that selfish, stuck-up sister of mine. She can't take the time to stick her nose in the door and say, Merry Christmas, especially when her brother traveled 800 miles to surprise his family.

70. 06:14
    

    Thelma Harper

    Will you lay off her, Ellen? How's she supposed to know you were gonna pull this stupid surprise stunt?

71. 06:19
    

    Larry Harper

    done yeah i'm kind of sorry

72. 06:22
    

    Thelma Harper

    don't you apologize larry you never did time anything right anyway maybe later on you could drive me on over to ellen's house her place is really the ritz nothing like this cracker box

73. 06:33
    

    Eunice Higgins

    what are you doing you taking leave of your senses

74. 06:40
    

    Thelma Harper

    just opening up one of my presents give me that my cards right here

75. 06:45
    

    Eunice Higgins

    I said, you give me that back. we Now, we agreed this morning that we was going to open up our presents in order and not helter-skelter like maniacs. All right, everybody, it's time for the fun. We're going to open up our Christmas presents now.

76. 07:06
    

    Larry Harper

    Oh, I'd like to watch the car get the presents I got from everybody.

77. 07:08
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Now, first it'll be Mama, and then Larry's turn, and, Ed, you're going to play Santa Claus, so you give Mama her present first.

78. 07:13
    

    Ed Higgins

    Don't want to be Santa. Oh, oh, oh. Well, Mama, look what Santa's got for you.

79. 07:28
    

    Thelma Harper

    Thank you.

80. 07:29
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Now, Mama, when you undo that, you give the paper to Ed, and you put that paper in that big box over there so that won't be a mess. That's your job, okay?

81. 07:37
    

    Ed Higgins

    Right.

82. 07:38
    

    Larry Harper

    But why don't I go out to the car and get the presents I got for everybody?

83. 07:40
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Larry, what are you doing? Can't you wait a minute until your mama opens up our gift?

84. 07:45
    

    Larry Harper

    Oh, sure. I'm sorry, Mama.

85. 07:46
    

    Thelma Harper

    I can't imagine what it is unless, of course, it's the usual bathrobe. Oh, my bathrobe. Thank you, Eunice.

86. 08:00
    

    Eunice Higgins

    You're welcome, Mama. I thought maybe that a nice bright color would be nice for change.

87. 08:04
    

    Thelma Harper

    Oh, my, yes. Of course, it's not my style to be garish. Then I guess nobody will ever see me in it.

88. 08:11
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Well, Mama, that's what I got it for. I mean, people are supposed to see you in it. It's a hostess robe, Mama. It's for entertaining.

89. 08:18
    

    Thelma Harper

    For entertaining who? Nobody ever comes to see me. Even my own son came to your house, not mine.

90. 08:25
    

    Larry Harper

    Look, why don't I go out and get this stuff in the car?

91. 08:26
    

    Thelma Harper

    By a sneaking suspicion, there's probably a pair of red slippers somewhere under that tree.

92. 08:31
    

    Eunice Higgins

    No, Mama. No, there are no red slippers under that tree, so just get that right out of your head.

93. 08:37
    

    Thelma Harper

    Okay, if you say so, Eunice.

94. 08:39
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Mama, listen to me. I am not kidding. We could barely afford the bathrobe as it is.

95. 08:45
    

    Thelma Harper

    Well, what am I supposed to do, wear this gaudy old red robe with my old yellow slippers?

96. 08:49
    

    Eunice Higgins

    What difference does it make if nobody's gonna see you in that?

97. 08:54
    

    Thelma Harper

    Oh, sure. You can't afford a pair of bedroom slippers for your poor old mama, but you can afford to throw away good money on that tacky apron you can't wear but once a year.

98. 09:04
    

    Eunice Higgins

    Well, why don't you just exchange it, then?

99. 09:07
    

    Thelma Harper

    All right, I will. Where's the receipt?

100. 09:09
     

     Eunice Higgins

     I don't know right this minute.

101. 09:11
     

     Thelma Harper

     I hope you didn't throw it away. I don't want to go through what I did last year.

102. 09:15
     

     Eunice Higgins

     I declare everybody stand still while I find Mama's receipt. You have changed every single thing I ever get for you! There is just no Please, and you is there.

103. 09:26
     

     Ed Higgins

     Ho, ho, don't

104. 09:27
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Oh, shut up.

105. 09:29
     

     Ed Higgins

     Well, be so grumpy. Santa's got lots of goodies for you too, Eunice.

106. 09:33
     

     Eunice Higgins

     It's not my turn, it's Larry's.

107. 09:35
     

     Ed Higgins

     Now, you say I'm gonna be Santa, I'm gonna be Santa, and I say, Eunice opens her present next.

108. 09:40
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Well, all right, I'll open this one then.

109. 09:43
     

     Larry Harper

     This is just a little token thing I got you, Eunice.

110. 09:45
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Thank you, Larry.

111. 09:46
     

     Larry Harper

     Uh, I got it for the whole family.

112. 09:48
     

     Eunice Higgins

     To Eunice and her whole family with love, Larry. That's very sweet, Larry.

113. 09:52
     

     Larry Harper

     I thought everybody could use it.

114. 09:56
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Ed, as long as you insisted that I open up this thing least you could do is have your camera ready to snap the expression of joy on my face

115. 10:04

     don't Just get me in it and yeah that

116. 10:19
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Are you ready?

117. 10:20
     

     Ed Higgins

     Yeah.

118. 10:20
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Is thing focus right all right

119. 10:22
     

     Ed Higgins

     be but you give me a break i can't Santa Claus and the cameraman of rapping monitor all to same time

120. 10:35
     

     Eunice Higgins

     oh my goodness a layman's guide the universe oh that's nice Larry thank you

121. 10:50
     

     Larry Harper

     might be a little bit over the heads of the boys i hope they're not disappointed

122. 10:53
     

     Eunice Higgins

     oh honey no don't be silly i mean by now our boys know you're a little bit different

123. 10:58
     

     Larry Harper

     it's uh it's really something nice for the coffee table

124. 11:06
     

     Eunice Higgins

     that's lovely just so big though my goodness i don't know when in the world i'm gonna finish it off

125. 11:12

     well hello there my boy turnabout is fair play

126. 11:18
     

     Larry Harper

     got something for you mom i almost forgot Here, I got a little something for you. I didn't know quite what to get you, so I thought maybe if I got you a check, you know, that that might...

127. 11:26
     

     Thelma Harper

     Oh, my, Larry, you didn't have to do that. That's very nice.

128. 11:29
     

     Ed Higgins

     There you go, Larry.

129. 11:30
     

     Thelma Harper

     Thank you, Larry.

130. 11:30
     

     Larry Harper

     Sorry. No, I wanted to get you something, but I didn't know what you needed, so I...

131. 11:36
     

     Thelma Harper

     That's all right. Don't you apologize, Larry. I don't expect you to take the time to go out and shop for a real present. I appreciate you taking the five seconds it took to scribble that thing off.

132. 11:48
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Open up yours now, Larry.

133. 11:56
     

     Larry Harper

     Oh, that's, uh, that's very nice.

134. 11:58
     

     Ed Higgins

     Yeah. It's a paint-by-numbers set. You just fill in all these spaces over here, and then you get yourself a nice picture of a hog.

135. 12:10
     

     Larry Harper

     What

136. 12:12
     

     Eunice Higgins

     i just knew you'd love it larry with you being a drawer and all.

137. 12:17
     

     Thelma Harper

     Well, what do you say, Larry?

138. 12:22
     

     Larry Harper

     Thank you.

139. 12:23
     

     Eunice Higgins

     You're welcome, Larry.

140. 12:27
     

     Larry Harper

     I was just going to say it, Mom.

141. 12:29
     

     Thelma Harper

     I certainly hope so, Larry. I never will live down the time your Aunt Fern gave you a coloring book for your birthday, and you never did say thank you.

142. 12:36
     

     Larry Harper

     Mama, I was seven years old.

143. 12:38
     

     Thelma Harper

     He just stood there staring at the ground. I remember. His Aunt Fern never did forgive him, not even on her deathbed.

144. 12:44
     

     Larry Harper

     How long am I going to go on having to feel guilty about that damn coloring book?

145. 12:49
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Larry, I am your sister, and I love you, so I am saying this for your own good. It's no wonder that you can't hold down a job when you got that kind of an attitude in front of your boss.

146. 13:00
     

     Larry Harper

     Eunice, you don't even know how I work. I work by individual contract.

147. 13:04
     

     Ed Higgins

     Eunice, what the hell do you know about art, anyway? It's a jungle out there. There's probably a dozen reasons we don't even know about for Larry always being fired.

148. 13:12
     

     Larry Harper

     I am not always being fired! I've never been fired! I'm doing very well, thank you very much. I have a skylight studio with easels and bottles of ink and pens with their own individual points and everything. and And when I'm not working, people come over and visit me. And you know what they do when those people come over?

149. 13:33
     

     Larry Harper

     You want to know what they do? I'll tell you what they do. they let me finish a sentence!

150. 13:38
     

     Larry Harper

     I can say a whole paragraph before I'm interrupted. And nobody thinks I'm peculiar either. And nobody buys their kids Killer Kelly dolls for Christmas. And not one of them would be surprised if I tell you what I'm gonna do with your paint-by-numbers set. And as for you, Aunt Fern, thanks for the coloring book!

151. 13:58

     Well,

152. 14:10
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Well, he sure got a lot to learn about the Christmas spirit.

153. 14:15
     

     Thelma Harper

     I forgot how touchy he can be if he don't get just the right present.

154. 14:19
     

     Ed Higgins

     You should talk the way you almost flipped out this morning when you unwrapped that waffle iron.

155. 14:24
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Well, what's the idea of giving me a waffle iron for Christmas anyway, huh? Just to make bigger and better waffles for you to fill up your big fat store,

156. 14:33
     

     Thelma Harper

     my grandson.

157. 14:34
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Don't you start on me, Mama.

158. 14:36
     

     Thelma Harper

     Well, God knows I don't ask for a bunch, Eunice, but you think you could keep them here for five minutes on Christmas morning? I mean, it would be nice if somebody would wish me a Merry Christmas.

159. 14:44
     

     Eunice Higgins

     Well, Merry Christmas!

160. 14:45

     I will find it!

161. 14:47
     

     Ed Higgins

     Gotcha!

162. 14:48
     

     Thelma Harper

     Will you put your...