You're tuned to the good stuff

The Family: The Rehearsal

The Carol Burnett Show 1976 Season 10 Episode 4

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Eunice lands a bit part in a community-theatre Mary Stuart and brings its grandiose director home to rehearse, while Ed and Mama refuse to stay out of it.

Watch on YouTube

Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Eunice has won the small part of Hannah, lady-in-waiting to Mary, Queen of Scots, at the local playhouse, and the production's director and star, Mavis Danton, comes to the Higgins house to rehearse their key scene. Mavis, who never tires of mentioning her one science-fiction movie, flirts with Ed, keeps calling her hostess Bernice and buries Eunice in contradictory direction: be a butterfly, forget the butterfly, more urgency, less force. When Ed and Mama's board game in the next room keeps interrupting, Mavis drafts them to read the Queen and Sir Amias Paulet, and they fumble cues, lose their place and openly mock the play. Eunice turns on Mama over a lifetime of discouragement, the rehearsal collapses into a shouting match, and a parting shot from Mavis reveals she only cast Eunice because she bought a hundred tickets. Ed is horrified to learn the couple's life savings went on seats, and Mama's attempt at comfort only rubs the failure in.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 4

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Every movie you mention, my mama thinks Ingrid Bergman was in it.

Well, Bette Davis didn't win an Oscar for Jezebel by dragging her butt.

Be a butterfly with me for a moment, won't you?

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

Dick Clair
Writer
Jenna McMahon
Writer
Dave Powers
Director

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

The scene Eunice rehearses comes from Friedrich Schiller's 1800 tragedy Mary Stuart: Eunice plays Mary's lady-in-waiting Hannah (Hanna Kennedy), Ed reads her warder Sir Amias Paulet, and Mama reads Queen Elizabeth, whose meeting with Mary ends in a bitter argument.

ScriptEnglish · 154 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:00
I
00:12
Ed
And the only thing have ever asked for in our entire marriage is this few quiet minutes. Eunice Boland for dollars loses all of its zing when the sound is turned off.
00:24
Eunice
I don't know why I'm constantly surprised by the depths of your selfishness. Ed, I am in a play, and the play opens in two weeks.
00:34
Ed ?
All right, all right.
00:36
Mama ?
I didn't think you was going to start practicing until your friend got here. here. Eunice, don't you think you're taking this acting business just a little bit too serious?
00:47
Eunice
No, Mama, I don't. And Mavis Danton doesn't think so either.
00:51
Ed
Well, who the hell's Mavis Danton?
00:54
Eunice
Don't you know anything? Mavis Danton happens to be the director of this show. She's also a brilliant actress. And she's been in the movies.
01:04
Mama
Well, now, Eunice, I think being in a play is just wonderful, especially if you're young and you got no family ties and you're on your way up
01:12
Eunice
yeah i know what you're saying mommy you never did think i had any talent lord knows you have drummed that into my head since the day i was born but i'm here to tell you right now that i do not choose to believe that anymore thank the lord i saw joey heatherton on the mike douglas show last week and she said mike you got to get out there and you got to to audition for anything and everything. And that's when I called up the Pepperpot Playhouse and I got me an appointment to read for Mavis Danton. And she thought I was talented, mama. And she gave me a part in this play. Mary, Queen of Scotland.
01:54
Ed ?
Two lousy little pages.
01:56
Eunice
Many times do I have to tell you that it is not the size of the part that counts. This happens to be a very key scene. Oh, there she is! There she is! Listen to you, we're going to practice in here, so why don't you go on into the kitchen, play Parcheesi or something, huh?
02:13
Ed
Play Parcheesi with her?
02:15
Eunice
All right, Ed, all right. Then why don't you just turn up the TV, have yourself a beer, and have yourself a square dance, and Mavis and me can rehearse in the street. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Oh, hello, Miss Davidson. I I do hope you didn't have any trouble finding the place.
02:38
Mavis Danton
I can't believe it. I headed to it like a homing pigeon, which, if you knew my sense of direction, would astound you, Bernice.
02:47
Eunice
It's Eunice.
02:48
Mavis Danton
Aha! Me and names, me and names. You know, a movie producer once said to me, he said, Mavis, darling, names are going to be your downfall, but I just keep on forgetting them, which is so naughty.
03:00
Mama ?
Hello.
03:03
Mavis Danton ?
Hello. My, what a gorgeous little note you have here.
03:07
Eunice
Oh, thank you. I'd like you to meet my mama, and this is my husband, Ed. This is Miss Danton.
03:13
Mavis Danton
Oh, no formality, please. It's Mavis. After all, we are troopers together, aren't we?
03:20
But Eunice... There, I got it. Yes.
03:24
Mavis Danton
Eunice, you didn't mention that your husband was so attractive and so basic-looking. Excuse me, Mr. Higgins. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I speak my mind. It's nuts, but who gives a darn? That's the way I am, so there.
03:41
Ed
Well, that's okay. I'm kind of a nut myself. Sit down, Mavis.
03:46
Mavis Danton ?
Oh, I think.
03:47
Ed ?
Here. Have you really been in the movies?
03:52
Mavis Danton
Guilty. But after one movie in that phony Hollywood world, I said to myself, I said, Mavis, get out before they destroy you. Go back to the theater. so I fled back to Raytown where people are real.
04:12
Ed ?
What movie were you in?
04:15
Mavis Danton
Cat Women on Mars. It was a kind of a science fiction thing.
04:21
Mama
Was Ingrid Bergman in that?
04:23
Eunice
No, Mama, Ingrid Bergman wasn't in that. Every movie you mention, my mama thinks Ingrid Bergman was in it.
04:30
Mama
I never will forgive her for running off with that foreigner.
04:34
Ed ?
I've seen the Catwoman on Mars on the TV. I don't remember you.
04:39
Mavis Danton
I know. Isn't it a crime the way they cut movies to pieces for TV? I mean, they just cut the whole essence of that film.
04:48
Mama
Yes, sirree. I crossed Ingrid off my list in 1949.
04:53
Eunice
Mama, um, Mavis and me gotta do some practice.
04:56
Mama
Oh, well, all right, okay. Come on, Ed, let's go in the kitchen. We'll never hear the end of it if we don't.
05:01
Ed ?
I guess we can find something to do in here.
05:03
Mama ?
Well, what about farting?
05:07
Eunice
Nathus, I've been practicing all day here, and I got all the lines down by heart, and I think I have ironed out some of them little kinks that you was talking to me about.
05:15
Mavis Danton
Yes.
05:16
Eunice
And so I cleared out some of the furniture here.
05:18
Mama
I'll tell you one thing. You couldn't pay me to see an Ingrid Bergman movie today.
05:23
Eunice
And over here, see, could be the fireplace. This could be that clump of trees that we refer to, and then this could be the entrance that you know where we come into the meta is that okay
05:32
Mavis Danton
yes oh yes yes yes yes that will do nicely okay let's just go with it keeping in mind the structure that we've already set but not feeling hide bound by anything but remembering what we agreed was our first beat here we are after a kind of numbed despair mixed with kind of doomed frivolity okay uh-huh all right now that we have laid our foundation let's soar from it in our circles in our circles in our circles in our circles! Let me enjoy my liberty let us be children oh and i'll be a child with me
06:28
Eunice
Lady, my lady, you lie before me as on wings. Voice
06:34
Mavis Danton
Hannah rejoice with me. Let me in my hungry gladness drink in the free celestial air.
06:43
Eunice
Your jail has been extended but a little. Why, the walls are barely covered by those trees.
06:55
Mavis Danton
Someday I will escape this jail and be free of Elizabeth's despotic sway and shall see my beloved Scotland again.
07:02
Eunice
game. Fun, fruitless wishes. Singing up from afar, my lady, how we're followed by observant spies.
07:10
Mavis Danton
Excuse me, why did Hannah laugh like that? That is not the way we rehearsed it.
07:14
Eunice
Oh, no, I know, I know, I know, but you see, I thought that would be real good there. I mean, that would be a nice character point for Hannah, you see. Yvonne DiCarlo did that in Flame of the Islands, and it was real effective, and it kind of shows that Hannah's got a sense of humor.
07:27
Mavis Danton
Oh, a sense of humor about what? The fact that I'm about to be beheaded? No. Let me show you. Just let me show you.
07:36
Eunice
Oh, no, no, don't. Please, don't show me. Don't, don't. I don't want to copy nobody, because I want this part to come right from me.
07:42
Mavis Danton
We've been trying that for a week, dear. Just watch me. My lady, my lady, see you not from afar? We are followed by observing spies. Do you see how I just latched on to a lovely quality there? And now, sir, Amy, as Paulette enters and says, My lady, the queen is hunting in the neighborhood. What was that?
08:09
Eunice
Oh, that was the gasp. I mean, it says right here, Hannah gasps.
08:13
Mavis Danton
Yes. Not anymore, she doesn't.
08:18
Mama ?
Come on, then, for Pete's sake, will you just roll with them guys?
08:21
Ed ?
Well, I gotta read the rules first, though.
08:23
Eunice
Will you hush up in there? Please, please, please, please, please.
08:26
Ed ?
All right, all right.
08:27
Eunice
Oh, oh, my lady. My lady, you grow pale. Oh, my lady, I sense disaster. disaster!
08:35
Mavis Danton
You're knocking me Get me over here. You don't have to throw yourself into it quite so intensely. Can't you just relax, for heaven's sakes?
08:45
Eunice
Well, Betty Davis didn't win an Oscar for Jezebel by dragging her butt.
08:53
Mavis Danton
You need a stronger image here. You need an urgent weakness, a frailty. I've got it. A butterfly. Yes, that's it. Be a butterfly with me for a moment, won't you?
09:06
Eunice
Be a butterfly?
09:07
Mavis Danton
Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, you will be astonished at the values it brings to this lady and lady. Now? That's it. That's it.
09:18
Eunice
Oh, my lady, you grow pale. Lady, Oh, my lady, my lady, I see it's disaster.
09:33
Eunice ?
Well, shoot, that's awful.
09:35
Mavis Danton
No, no, no, no, it had a quality. Now, just forget the butterfly and a lighter quality will remain, okay? Let's try it again.
09:45
Eunice
Forget the butterfly?
09:47
Mavis Danton
Yes, and...
09:48
Eunice
But you just said to be a butterfly.
09:49
Mama ?
Double six, wowee, that's gonna fix your...
09:52
Eunice
Can you just hush up in there, please? And I am trying to create something, and it does not help me to hear you yelling about double sixes.
10:01
Mavis Danton
I have a wonderful idea. Wouldn't you two lovely people just love to help out by reading these other parts here?
10:07
Eunice
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why don't you just let them play their game?
10:09
Ed ?
Oh, no, hell no. Anything's better than moving these little doogies around.
10:13
Eunice
Really, I got enough on my mind without having them...
10:16
Mavis Danton
Nonsense! It will do you good. Yes. Okay, darling. We are starting from right over here, and you'll be reading this part, the part of the queen. Mr. Higgins, you'll be reading the part of Sir Amias Pollet.
10:31
Ed
All right, hot dog. I better get myself a pencil. Circle my lines.
10:37
Mavis Danton
Okay, let's take it from the top.
10:40
Ed ?
You're getting there, Eunice.
10:43
Mavis Danton
In our circles, in our circles, in our circles, in our circles. Oh, Let me enjoy my newfound liberty, let us be children. Oh, Hannah, be a child with me. Oh, Oh,
11:01
Eunice ?
I'm blank. Mama, what's my first line?
11:03
Mama ?
You don't even know your first line, Mama.
11:07
Eunice
My lady, my lady. Oh, my lady, my lady, you fly before me as on wings.
11:15
Mavis Danton
Anna! Rejoice with lightness, drink in the free celestial air.
11:22
Eunice
Your jail has been extended but a little. Oh, shoot, don't tell me, don't tell me.
11:29
Mama ?
The walls are barely.
11:30
Eunice
I said, don't tell me. Oh, the wall. Oh, what is it?
11:38
Mama
You told me not to tell you.
11:40
Eunice
Now I'm telling you to tell me.
11:42
Mama
Well, I don't want to get my head beat off if I tell you.
11:45
Eunice
Will you please tell me the damn line?
11:47
Mama ?
Hit them trees!
11:50
Eunice ?
This
11:56
Mavis Danton
Someday I will escape this jail and be free of Elizabeth's despotic sway and shall see my beloved Scotland again.
12:03
Eunice
Fond fruitless wishes! See you not from afar how we are followed by observant spies.
12:10
Mavis Danton
That is your line, Mr. Higgins.
12:13
Ed
I can't find the pencil.
12:15
Eunice ?
Well, never mind the pencil, Ed. I've got my finger on your line right here.
12:20
Ed
Oh, all right, let's see where it is.
12:21
Mama ?
Let's get some pep into these proceeds.
12:23
Ed
Gotcha. Got you! My lady, the queen is hunting in our neighborhood.
12:35
Eunice ?
What?
12:36
Mavis Danton
Will you just go on?
12:37
Ed
Oh. She will appear before you any moment.
12:42
Eunice
Oh, my dearest lady, you grow pale. Oh, my lady, my lady. I sense desire.
12:48
Mavis Danton
Eunice, we could use more urgency here. It is your next slide, Mr. Higgins.
12:52
Ed
I'm sorry. Sleep and switch. Let's see what we got here. Gotcha! The clue. The queen approaches.
13:04
Eunice ?
Careful. Be not accusing, my lady.
13:10
Mama
Is that the way you're gonna do that?
13:13
Eunice
I've had just about enough out of you, old lady.
13:16
Mavis Danton
No. Your mother has a point, Eunice. You see, she is the inarticulate voice of the people. She senses something is missing, but she cannot quite put her finger on it. What she is trying to say is that she misses finesse. Theatrical control.
13:36
Mama ?
Yeah. Just don't leap up quite so fast. You popped up there like a jack-in-the-box.
13:43
Mavis Danton
let's continue let's continue from your next line please mr higgins
13:47
Ed
all right let's see how many gotcha her majesty the queen
13:55
Eunice ?
that's you
13:58
Mama
good day lady stewart i see your own deceitful heart has brought you to your reward
14:06
Mavis Danton
Oh, for God's pity, I am a queen like you, yet you have confined me to prison. Your whole person is false and painted, heart as well as face. A bastard profanes the English throne.
14:23
Mama
What kind of smut is this, pal?
14:26
Eunice
Don't Mama, worry about it, it's a very famous play.
14:31
Mama
Well, I can't make head or tail out of it.
14:33
Ed ?
Me neither. All those la-dee-da words.
14:36
Mavis Danton
Can we get through this just once, please? When you regard me with those freezing looks, my heart contracts and turns to ice.
14:46
Mama ?
Unhappy lady, frenzy overcomes you.
14:48
Mavis Danton
Anna, would you please hold me up?
14:50
Eunice
How can I when you keep telling me not to be so forceful?
14:54
Mavis Danton
All right, but you don't have to let me fall on the floor here.
14:58
Mama ?
Gotta use a little common sense.
15:00
Mavis Danton
Don't you have any instinct at all?
15:02
Eunice
Well, yeah, yeah, I got some instinct, but every time I use it, I seem to get slapped down.
15:07
Mama
You know, this is exactly the way you treated that flamenco teacher. Nobody can teach you anything.
15:12
Eunice
Don't you ever once take my side in anything. I'll never forget it. Never forget it. One time, I came home from the third grade with an honorable mention ribbon for my clay ashtray, and I showed it to her, and you know what she said to me? She said, so what? I'll never forget that.
15:34
Mavis Danton
Well, Eunice, I do not understand what this has to do with Hannah and Mary, Queen of Scotland. Will you tell me, please?
15:40
Mama ?
Thank you.
15:41
Mavis Danton
It is bad enough that you have to fight every single bit of direction I give you, but now you ask me to stand here and listen to all of this noise.
15:50
Eunice
Direction? Just when have you given me any kind of direction? First it is be a butterfly. Then it is cut. Forget the butterfly. Don't be a butterfly. Then it's be urgent. Then it's be frail. Then it's too weak. Then it's too strong. It's Eunice.
16:05
Mavis Danton
Listen, Eunice, I would have canned you last night if you hadn't begged me on your hands and knees to come over here and work on this scene.
16:13
Eunice
Well, the only reason you wanted to come over here and work on this scene was so that you could cut out all of my precious moments because you want to hog the whole show.
16:21
Mavis Danton
Your moments? The audience would stampede out of the theater if I let you have a chance.
16:29
Eunice
Oh, yeah? Well, what the hell do you know about direction anyway, Anyway, Miss Catwoman on Mars...
16:38
Mavis Danton
I may have slipped a little since Catwoman on Mars, but I never dreamed I would sink so low as to cast a belligerent! Now tell us because you bought a hundred tickets! We'll talk When I talk about this, and I will. I won't forget to mention your gasps.
17:09
Eunice ?
Asps.
17:12
Mavis Danton
Good night, Bernice.
17:14
Ed ?
A A hundred tickets? Did she say a hundred tickets?
17:27
Ed ?
Well, that explains this whole thing. I mean, the whole time I was thinking the lady was nuts.
17:33
Ed
How much money did you have to lay out for a hundred tickets?
17:37
Eunice
Two hundred dollars and so what?
17:40
Ed
That's our life savings.
17:42
Eunice
Don't worry about it. I'll sell them to all my friends.
17:45
Ed
Well, you ain't got three friends, much less a hundred. You had the goal to spend our life savings on tickets for that jibber-jabber that went on here today?
17:55
Mama
Oh, now, shut up, Ed. Can't you see Eunice is upset? Poor baby, she's failed again. Just don't you fret about it too much, darling. Failure's not so bad. Hell, you still got us.