Mall Santas

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Heidi Gardner

   Honey are you excited to meet Santa?

2. 00:04
   

   Mikey Day

   Oh, you're gonna remember this day for a long time

3. 00:08
   

   Mall Elf

   Ho ho ho Welcome to Santa's village. Is everyone ready to get their picture taken with the big guy?

4. 00:17
   

   Mikey Day

   Yep, it's Claire's first time

5. 00:20
   

   Mall Elf

   This year we're doing something a little special This year we have two Santas to choose from

6. 00:28

   Ho, ho, ho!

7. 00:32
   

   Mikey Day

   Oh! Cool!

8. 00:36
   

   Mall Elf

   all you gotta do is tell me which Santa you want to go to

9. 00:41
   

   Mikey Day

   I'm sorry what

10. 00:44
    

    Mall Elf

    which Santa do you want your daughter to get a picture with a picture you'll cherish for the rest of your life

11. 00:52

    Santa

12. 00:56
    

    Mall Elf

    so santa number one or Santa number two what is your preference

13. 01:02
    

    Mikey Day

    I guess I don't know the regular one

14. 01:12
    

    Mall Elf

    regular regular as opposed to extra crispy you're gonna need to be a little more specific than that

15. 01:23
    

    Mikey Day

    the white one

16. 01:26
    

    Mall Elf

    what was that couldn't quite hear you

17. 01:29
    

    Mikey Day

    we want to see the white Santa Santa Claus, please.

18. 01:33
    

    Mall Elf

    Oh, that is shocking. Right this way. Who's next?

19. 01:39
    

    Ashley Padilla

    Hi. Yeah, I'm sorry. Why are there two Santas?

20. 01:42
    

    Mall Elf

    Well, it's the busiest time of year, and this cuts the wait time in half. Aren't you happy there's two Santas?

21. 01:51
    

    Ashley Padilla

    Yeah, no, definitely.

22. 01:51
    

    Andrew Dismukes

    Much more convenient. Thank you for doing this to us.

23. 01:55
    

    Mall Elf

    Okay, okay, time to decide. What do you want grandma to do with the picture? Do you want her to put it on the fridge or in the garage?

24. 02:06

    um

25. 02:09
    

    Andrew Dismukes

    Um, we...

26. 02:10
    

    Mall Elf

    So which sand is it gonna be?

27. 02:12
    

    Andrew Dismukes

    We just remembered that we're Jewish. Come on, gang. Baruch atah!

28. 02:19
    

    Mall Elf

    All right! A-bi-achah! And a lu-wasem into you, too.

29. 02:27
    

    Sarah Sherman

    Hi, we're here to meet Santa.

30. 02:31
    

    Mall Elf

    Well, we've got two equally qualified Santas to choose from. Take your pick.

31. 02:38
    

    Sarah Sherman

    I don't know, they both seem great.

32. 02:41
    

    Mall Elf

    Well, they're only one, you know, they are, but only one seems to be getting all the work. That's right, one Santa's been busy all day, And the other Santa is so free, he's on a Zoom meeting.

33. 02:58
    

    Sarah Sherman

    Well, I... Well, I don't want to interrupt his meeting, so we'll just wait for the other one.

34. 03:03

    Okay, well,

35. 03:03
    

    Chloe Fineman

    I just want to say, I will be choosing the black Santa. I see you, Blanta.

36. 03:12
    

    Black Santa

    Blanta is not a thing. Please do not call me that.

37. 03:15
    

    Chloe Fineman

    I am just so embarrassed by these small-minded people who can't even imagine Santa being anything other than a straight white man. In fact, if there was a queer female Santa, I would choose them.

38. 03:31
    

    Mall Elf

    Well, you're in luck, because they're here. Say hi to Santa number three.

39. 03:38
    

    Queer Santa

    Hi. Ho, ho, ho.

40. 03:43
    

    Chloe Fineman

    Black.

41. 03:44
    

    Mall Elf

    What's that?

42. 03:45
    

    Chloe Fineman

    Uh, we'll go with the black one. Thank you. Come on. Let's go see Blanta.

43. 03:49
    

    Black Santa

    I don't like Blanta at all. I'm gonna go ahead and take my lunch, actually.

44. 03:53
    

    Mall Elf

    Okay, looks like Santa is going on a break.

45. 03:56

    Whoo! Yes!

46. 03:58
    

    Mall Elf

    Well, don't clap yet, because it's time to bring out our backup. Everyone, welcome Arab Santa.

47. 04:06
    

    Arab Santa

    Keefak marhaba and, uh, ho, ho, ho.