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Uncle Ben
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Host Dave Chappelle introduces the piece as a story about Black workers losing their jobs in a changing social climate. In a conference room, three executives fire Aunt Jemima, not for anything she did but for how she makes them feel, and dismiss Uncle Ben for the same reason despite his pleas about family and a lifetime spent on rice. The pair turn on the Allstate spokesman, a deep-voiced Dennis Haysbert, who argues that he is a real person selling security rather than a food product, and he in turn points at Count Chocula, who insists he is simply made of chocolate. Everyone but the Allstate man is fired, and the executives call in the next brand mascot.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 7
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
It's not what you did. It's how you make us feel about what we did.
My deep black voice makes white people feel safe.
But I'm not even black. I'm made of chocolate.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
SNL Archives lists this sketch as "Fired Mascots." Dave Chappelle's voice was digitally deepened for his Dennis Haysbert impression.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Speaker 1
Hey, everybody. I hope you're having a good time at home watching the show. It's been a long, hard time. I know a lot of people have lost their jobs, and that this climate has unfortunately made a lot of black people lose their jobs. This next piece is about just that. It's about two black people who've lost their jobs because of this new social climate we're all trying to figure out. And sadly, these two black people may never get those jobs back. Enjoy.
- 00:28
Alec Baldwin
I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. We have to let you go.
- 00:34
Aunt Jemima
But I'm Aunt Jemima. My pancakes.
- 00:53
Mikey Day
Everyone loves your pancakes, Aunt Jemima. It's you. You're the problem.
- 00:59
Aunt Jemima
Me? What did I do?
- 01:00
Alec Baldwin
It's not what you did. It's how you make us feel about what we did.
- 01:05
Aunt Jemima
But you can't fire me. I'm a slave. That's the only good thing about your job, the job security.
- 01:12
Heidi Gardner
We understand that.
- 01:13
Aunt Jemima
No, you don't understand. All I ever did was make pancakes. And that's why Aunt Jemima pancakes are the fluffiest, the butteriest, mouth-watching pancakes on the shelves. The secret is, I use my own breast milk.
- 01:33
Alec Baldwin
Aunt Jemima, this is hard for us, too. We love you.
- 01:39
Heidi Gardner
And thank you for breastfeeding our children.
- 01:43
Aunt Jemima
It's because I'm a woman, isn't it? What about Uncle Ben?
- 01:47
Uncle Ben
Oh, well, damn it, woman. Don't you drag me into this mess.
- 01:52
Aunt Jemima
Look, if I'm going down, you're coming with me.
- 01:56
Alec Baldwin
Actually, Uncle Ben, she's right.
- 01:58
Heidi Gardner
Yeah, we have to let you go, too, for the same reason.
- 02:01
Uncle Ben
But you can't do this to me. I'm Uncle Ben. I got so many nieces and nephews to take care of.
- 02:11
Mikey Day
You'll be fine. Just do something else.
- 02:13
Uncle Ben
But all I know is race. White rice, brown rice, wild rice, yellow rice, faux cheese.
- 02:28
Alec Baldwin
Look, it's not personal, Uncle Ben. It's just we have to clean house.
- 02:32
Uncle Ben
Come on, now. We know white people don't clean their own house.
- 02:37
Aunt Jemima
Yeah, you're talking to slaves.
- 02:39
Uncle Ben
This is ridiculous. If we can't work, how come the Allstate guy gets to work?
- 02:51
Allstate Guy
Now, wait a cotton-picking minute, Uncle Ben.
- 02:53
Allstate Guy
Oh, I knew you'd sell me out.
- 03:03
Uncle Ben
Personal, son, but if we getting fired, you should be getting fired, too.
- 03:07
Aunt Jemima
Yeah! Yeah, fire Allstate guy, too.
- 03:10
Allstate Guy
Stop calling me Allstate guy. I have a name. It's Guy from Waitin' to Exhale.
- 03:21
Heidi Gardner
But whatever your name is, you're getting fired, too.
- 03:24
Allstate Guy
But I'm not even a food product. I sell security. MY DEEP BLACK VOICE MAKES WHITE PEOPLE FEEL SAFE, LIKE THEY'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
- 03:38
Alec Baldwin
THAT MAY BE SO, BUT YOU'RE STILL BLACK, AND IT'S BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
- 03:43
Allstate Guy
BUT I'M A REAL PERSON. THESE ARE MERE CHARACTERS. IF ANYTHING, WHY DON'T YOU FIRE COUNT CHOCOLATE? HOW COME HE'S STILL WORKING, HUH?
- 03:52
Count Chocula
WHAT? BUT I'M NOT EVEN BLACK. I'M MADE OF CHOCOLATE.
- 03:58
Allstate Guy
A LIGHTLY STORY. Let me tell you something. These streets are going to eat you alive, you chocolatey nigger.
- 04:07
Aunt Jemima
If he's chocolate, then I'm chocolate, too.
- 04:10
Uncle Ben
Yeah, I'm chocolate, too.
- 04:11
Alec Baldwin
I don't care what you want to call yourselves. You're all fired.
- 04:15
Count Chocula
No, but I'm actually chocolate. I'm not black at all.
- 04:19
Allstate Guy
Ridiculous. Another like this story.
- 04:23
Allstate Guy
Look at those big chocolatey lips behind them fangs. Big old fat lips. Seriously. America. Look at Pete Davidson's lips.
- 04:35
Count Chocula
Maybe I got some Italian in there somewhere.
- 04:45
Allstate Guy
Some Italian? Then we'll put you on some spaghetti, you chocolate bitch.
- 04:50
Alec Baldwin
All right, that's enough. You're all fired except for Allstate Guy.
- 04:53
Allstate Guy
Thank you very much.
- 04:54
Uncle Ben
All right, fine. We'll leave. But remember, you made a big mistake.
- 04:58
Aunt Jemima
Mm-hmm.
- 04:59
Alec Baldwin
All right. We'll send in the Land O'Lakes lady, please.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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