Christmas Airport Parade

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00

   Live from gate 78 in Terminal C. It's the Chibo Express Christmas week airport parade

2. 00:08

   It's chaos, it's mayhem, and everyone's afraid, it's the Christmas Week Airport Parade!

3. 00:14
   

   TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

   Good evening from Newark, which is how you say New York if you were on pills, which I am My name is agent chartreuse Hamilton,

4. 00:22
   

   TSA Agent Umberto

   and I'm Umberto

5. 00:25
   

   TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

   What kind of name is that?

6. 00:27
   

   TSA Agent Umberto

   Well, my parents were unsure about naming me Berto. So they told the nurse Umberto

7. 00:31
   

   TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

   Love. Umberto, who can we expect to see on the parade route this year?

8. 00:35
   

   TSA Agent Umberto

   Well, some new appearances as well as some old classics. Here's one now. Up first, it's a nervous flyer whose edible kicked in too early.

9. 00:43
   

   Nervous Flier

   Uh, 1,000 milligrams is low, right? Because that's just one gram, right?

10. 00:49
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    Wrong, but I'll have what he's having.

11. 00:51
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    I already did. I'm on pills and potions, baby.

12. 00:55
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    Girl, I hate that you're my ride home.

13. 00:58
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    Next up, it's a woman who's saving her stinky meal for the flight

14. 01:01
    

    Woman with Stinky Meal

    I can't wait to eat my day old tuna melt and I got a middle seat

15. 01:07
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    nice let's check in with our parade correspondent Kenton Bean the overly aggressive Delta Lounge employee

16. 01:14
    

    Kenton Bean

    thank you Umberto the Delta Lounge is glitz it's glam it's got the most beautiful buffet you've ever been to if you've never been to a buffet

17. 01:25
    

    Kenton Bean

    no

18. 01:26
    

    Lounge Customer

    I thought I had access to the lounge

19. 01:30
    

    Kenton Bean

    No! You're not dressed appropriately. And Drake is in there.

20. 01:36
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    Drake is in the Delta lounge?

21. 01:38
    

    Kenton Bean

    Well, it's either Drake or Josh. I can't tell them apart.

22. 01:42
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    Thanks, Kenton. Next up, it's TSA employee who says the same thing 12 different ways.

23. 01:48
    

    TSA Employee

    Bag in the bin. Put your bag in the bin. If you got a bag, go ahead and put it in the bin.

24. 01:55
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    Sir, how are you gonna celebrate the holidays?

25. 01:58
    

    TSA Employee

    Bag in the bin.

26. 01:59
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    oh look who's next it's a parade first woman who accidentally sat down on a motorized suitcase

27. 02:05
    

    Woman on Motorized Suitcase

    create a barricade

28. 02:11
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    you know let's check back in with ken kenton

29. 02:15
    

    Paul Rudd

    i'm

30. 02:16
    

    Kenton Bean

    You're not getting in!

31. 02:18
    

    Paul Rudd

    I'm paul rudd

32. 02:20
    

    Kenton Bean

    that Paul Rudd, that name sounds poor

33. 02:28
    

    Paul Rudd

    i was voted sexiest man alive

34. 02:34

    Could someone hand me water?

35. 02:40
    

    Kenton Bean

    Sexiest Man Alive? Well, what? Is Tim Allen dead?

36. 02:46
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    It's an airport staple it's white woman who's somehow gonna make the flight about her

37. 02:50
    

    Woman Making the Flight About Herself

    I might sing I might yell at a baby I'm definitely gonna watch a movie on my iPad

38. 02:57
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    no next up we have the least necessary employees in the terminal it's the Express spa sponsored by by comp ap masseurs.

39. 03:10

    XpresSpa Employee

    What's up? We got a holiday discount going. It's gonna be 5% off for a dry-ass public massage.

40. 03:16

    XpresSpa Employee

    And free unhappy endings.

41. 03:19

    XpresSpa Employee

    Please, let us touch you.

42. 03:23
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    They should get a job with TSA.

43. 03:25
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    Yes. Up next, it's a classic. It's a woman who wants to join the Mile High Club and her boyfriend who does not.

44. 03:32
    

    Woman Seeking the Mile High Club

    Okay, so I'll sit in the sink. You kneel on the toilet, put your hands on the wall. I'll put my feet on the ceiling.

45. 03:38
    

    Reluctant Boyfriend

    Why can't we just make love in our bed?

46. 03:41
    

    Woman Seeking the Mile High Club

    Oh, my God.

47. 03:43
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    Oh, you hear that? It's a gate agent who's having trouble with the names.

48. 03:48
    

    Gate Agent

    Flight 663 boarding now for Miami. I need to speak with my cool little penis. I want to see my cool little penis as soon as possible face to face. Next on my standby list, I have China so dry. I have China so dry. I'm hoping I'm pronouncing that right. I have gyn-a-so-dry. Okay, please come to the counter, gyn-a-so-dry.

49. 04:17
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    Come on, speaking of names, Chartreuse, did your parents name you that because they love the color?

50. 04:21
    

    TSA Agent Chartreuse Hamilton

    No, because they love charcuterie and they're illiterate.

51. 04:25
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    Oh, look, coming this way, it's the parade grand marshal, Captain Sully.

52. 04:30
    

    Captain Sully

    Hello, Hello, everyone. I'm here to introduce the grand finale. So let's see if I can land this plane.

53. 04:49
    

    Captain Sully

    I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I thought there would be a round of applause out there.

54. 04:54
    

    Captain Sully

    All All right. Now my rhythm's all off. Anyways, please welcome a group of passengers who just arrived from Turkey.

55. 05:08
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    That's right, Sully. They just got cheap cosmetic work done in Turkey.

56. 05:12
    

    Traveler Returning from Turkey

    Oh, yeah. My wife is gonna love it. new footer!

57. 05:21
    

    TSA Agent Umberto

    Well, that's a I'm on the Christmas week airport parade, but remember...

58. 05:25

    Keep us in your hearts, cause we're back in late March for the spring.