Headless Horseman

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:06
   

   Ichabod Crane

   Keep it together, Ichabod Crane. There's nothing to be afraid of in these spooky, scary woods. What is that ghoulish spirit? There's only an owl. Calm your nerves, Ichabod.

2. 00:24
   

   Headless Horseman

   Ichabod Crane.

3. 00:25
   

   Ichabod Crane

   Who's there? Show yourself.

4. 00:30
   

   Headless Horseman

   Ichabod Crane! that you trespass in these woods on All Hallows' Eve!

5. 00:44
   

   Ichabod Crane

   My God, it's the Headless Horseman, the one I heard tell of in ghastly stories.

6. 00:49
   

   Headless Horseman

   The very same!

7. 00:52
   

   Ichabod Crane

   And it's true what they say. You're cursed to carry around your own severed head.

8. 00:57
   

   Headless Horseman

   For eternity!

9. 01:03
   

   Ichabod Crane

   So, s-since you're holding a detached but animated head, Do you ever use it, like, to, you know...

10. 01:14
    

    Headless Horseman

    To what?

11. 01:15
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Do you use it, you know, like, on yourself?

12. 01:21
    

    Headless Horseman

    What? What on Earth are you talking about?

13. 01:25
    

    Ichabod Crane

    No, it's... Okay, look, I've been trying to do it to myself with my regular attached head. I tried yoga, and I tried stretching. I even had the town doctor remove two of my ribs.

14. 01:35
    

    Headless Horseman

    Oh, that's disgusting.

15. 01:37
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Oh, says the man holding a severed head. Don't tell me it never crossed your mind. Look how you're holding the head. The mouth is already, like, right there.

16. 01:47
    

    Headless Horseman

    Honestly, I've never thought about it.

17. 01:49
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Well, it would have been my first thought. Right after, oh, my God, they chopped off my head, I would have pivoted to, huh? Possible silver lining here. It's like they always say. When life hands you a severed head, you put the mouth on your dingus.

18. 02:04
    

    Headless Horseman

    Enough! You'll have plenty of time to think such foul thoughts after I send you straight to hell!

19. 02:13
    

    William

    Ichabod, I came as soon as I could.

20. 02:15
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Oh, how brave. You came to rescue me, William?

21. 02:18
    

    William

    No, I wanted to ask the horseman some questions. You ever, uh, just roll it into the ladies' room?

22. 02:25
    

    Headless Horseman

    Excuse me?

23. 02:27
    

    William

    The head. You ever, you know, roll it under the stalls in the women's bathroom and be like, mental pictures?

24. 02:32
    

    Headless Horseman

    No! Of course not! I don't even go indoors.

25. 02:37
    

    William

    Okay, then, uh, you have a use of the head to... you know, on yourself.

26. 02:42
    

    Headless Horseman

    Oh, I... He already asked that!

27. 02:44
    

    Ichabod Crane

    I already asked that.

28. 02:45
    

    William

    Great minds.

29. 02:46
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Yeah.

30. 02:46
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Hey, follow-up to my thing. Do you, like most men in our era, have, you know, false, removable teeth? Because that could feel really good if you got...

31. 02:56
    

    Headless Horseman

    I have real teeth!

32. 02:58
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Ah, bummer.

33. 02:59
    

    William

    But could you... could you tilt the head so that you can make eye contact like if someone wanted that i mean

34. 03:06
    

    Headless Horseman

    no i mean yes yeah but why would anyone want that

35. 03:12
    

    William

    no personal connection

36. 03:14
    

    Ichabod Crane

    oh power power for me and

37. 03:16
    

    William

    hey well when you uh when your throat got cut did it uh happen to sever the gag reflex

38. 03:22
    

    Headless Horseman

    okay now i'm sending you both to hell

39. 03:25
    

    Ichabod Crane

    hey why send us to hell when you could send yourself to heaven.

40. 03:30
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Hey, come on!

41. 03:31
    

    Townsman

    William! Did you ask the horseman about it?

42. 03:34
    

    William

    Yes, yes. We're, like, we're way into it.

43. 03:37
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Yeah, yeah.

44. 03:38
    

    Townsman

    Then I have a question that's gonna seem weird on several levels. But is the head dishwasher safe?

45. 03:47
    

    Headless Horseman

    What are you talking about?

46. 03:49
    

    Townsman

    I'm just curious about cleaner.

47. 03:52
    

    Ichabod Crane

    No, no, I get that. But listen. So, all right, it's an open neck, right? So he could probably just drink a glass of water after you do it, you know? And it's just like, wha, it all falls out.

48. 04:02
    

    William

    Yeah, you could probably go in through the neck, too. That's a whole new experience.

49. 04:07
    

    Headless Horseman

    All your minds are filthy! What is going on in this town?

50. 04:12
    

    Ichabod Crane

    Well, it's full of Puritans, homie. We're the most sexually repressed people in history.

51. 04:18
    

    William

    Duh. Yeah, sorry I'm obsessed with sex. This is gonna shock you, but my wife, Goody Chastity, isn't exactly fulfilling my needs.

52. 04:27
    

    Headless Horseman

    all right i'm through with this conversation ichabod crane you shall suffer my raw

53. 04:34
    

    Headless Horseman

    hey what are you doing no get it

54. 04:36
    

    Ichabod Crane

    all right let's just say things are coming to a head

55. 04:47

    Speaker 1

    and so the legend of sleepy hollow was born they say if you walk the woods today you can still hear hear the ghostly cries of the horseman's head yelling, come on, guys, I need a break. And then, hey, hey, the ears are off limits. Happy All Hallows' Eve from all of us at NBC, but mainly Lauren who wrote the sketch.