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Jurassic Park Auditions
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
For the film’s twenty-fifth anniversary, a montage presents fictional screen tests from 1992. Hugh Grant hesitates through a dinosaur warning, Alan Alda gets distracted by filmmaking questions, and a subdued Ellen DeGeneres tries to make the script her own. Wesley Snipes offers tax advice, while Roseanne Barr, Adam Sandler and Whoopi Goldberg bring their familiar styles to roles in the park. More auditions turn into singing, stand-up routines and celebrity catchphrases. Al Pacino struggles with the film’s family-friendly rating, Jaleel White drops his Urkel act, and Jodie Foster barely brightens for a supposedly happier reading. O.J. Simpson’s confidence takes on an ominous edge, and Clint Eastwood finishes with an unexpected costume reveal.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 28
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I'm '90s Ellen.
Which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?
Today's my birthday.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Speaker 2
25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the doors to Jurassic Park, and inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary re-release, you can watch the original 1992 screen tests.
- 00:14
Speaker 1
Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.
- 00:17
Hugh Grant
Yes, um, here to be bothered, but, um, if you look behind you, there's, um, well, there's a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster to escape its, um, rather large teeth.
- 00:28
Speaker 1
Alan Alda, Formal Doom.
- 00:33
Alan Alda
Clever girl. That dinosaur comes out and attacks me. Oh, God, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how are you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is this gonna be forced perspective? You know, that's how we shot Jamie Farr on M.A.S.H. Yeah, no, he's only about two feet tall.
- 00:50
Speaker 1
Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.
- 00:52
Ellen DeGeneres
Oh. All right, wow. That's a gigantic pile of dino poop. I've had stools on stage before, but this is ridiculous. I'm just kidding. I'm 90s Ellen.
- 01:03
Wesley Snipes
Hey, I'm telling y'all, trust me, spend your money, all right? IRS can't take it if it's already spent. Can't take something already gone. That's a tax loophole for you, brother.
- 01:12
Speaker 1
Wesley.
- 01:13
Wesley Snipes
Huh?
- 01:13
Speaker 1
Could we get the line?
- 01:14
Wesley Snipes
Oh. Oh, yeah. Bingo. Dino DNA. Now, if y'all want my accountant's number, it's 1-900...
- 01:24
Speaker 1
Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.
- 01:27
Roseanne Barr
Welcome to Jurassic Park.
- 01:29
Speaker 1
Nope.
- 01:30
Speaker 1
Adam Sandler for Muldoon.
- 01:32
Adam Sandler
Alright. Thank you. -♪ Herky-lerky-doo and turkey-lerky-bee. I like a T-Rex. Does T-Rex like me? Yeah, shut up!
- 01:43
Speaker 1
Whoopi Goldberg as Dr. Sattler.
- 01:47
Whoopi Goldberg
Well, let's talk about it. Because the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then I'll give the dinosaur a look like...
- 01:56
Speaker 1
Pee-wee Herman.
- 01:58
Pee-wee Herman
-"Uh-uh-uh. You didn't say the magic word. Uh-uh-uh. Ah!"
- 02:08
Speaker 1
Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.
- 02:10
Drew Barrymore
There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses? I used to wonder, are we playing God?
- 02:22
Speaker 1
Joey Lawrence from Blossom. -"Okay, react to seeing the dinosaurs for the first time."
- 02:28
Joey Lawrence
Whoa!
- 02:29
Speaker 1
-"Alright, want to try anything else?" Gwen Stefani as the teenage girl.
- 02:35
Gwen Stefani
-"I'm just a girl. Don't eat me, big dinosaur."
- 02:39
Speaker 1
-"Can we get a fright and scream?"
- 02:41
Gwen Stefani
-"Ooh!"
- 02:42
Speaker 1
Sinbad.
- 02:44
Sinbad
-"Now, y'all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah, I wait downstairs while she tries on several tops. How y'all doing? Y'all good? That's your lady?"
- 02:57
Speaker 1
Al Pacino.
- 02:59
Al Pacino
-"Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb ."
- 03:05
Speaker 1
Mrs. Pacino, the movie is supposed to be PG.
- 03:08
Al Pacino
PG? Well, that's gonna be a nightmare for this guy.
- 03:12
Speaker 1
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- 03:14
Al Pacino
All right. Which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?
- 03:18
Speaker 1
Lisa Kudrow?
- 03:19
Lisa Kudrow
Well, there's a T-Rex. And must, must move faster. Must move faster! Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster!
- 03:28
Speaker 1
Jaleel White? Okay, so, you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.
- 03:33
Jaleel White / Steve Urkel
-♪ Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer, dawg. I got to go, man.
- 03:39
Speaker 1
Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.
- 03:41
Eddie Vedder
-♪ Raptors are opening, opening the door.
- 03:50
Speaker 1
Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.
- 03:54
Jodie Foster
Sometimes, a mosquito can call a sap.
- 04:01
Speaker 1
Could you try it a little happier?
- 04:04
Jodie Foster
This is the happiest I've ever been. It's my birthday.
- 04:08
Speaker 1
O.J. Simpson.
- 04:11
OJ Simpson
Okay, so, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Whew! It is good to be O.J. right now. Ain't nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, O.J., go!
- 04:29
Speaker 1
Clint Eastwood, take one.
- 04:34
Clint Eastwood
Welcome to Jurassic Park.
- 04:36
Speaker 2
The 25th anniversary of Jurassic Park.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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