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Uncle Gruesome Tells a Scary Tale
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
After an off-screen announcer introduces another of the Tales by Uncle Gruesome, Ernie Kovacs looms out of the dark as the wild-haired, fanged host, who fondly recalls the grisliest moments of Grimm's fairy tales, shows off a homemade doll caricaturing the studio floor manager, and describes his cozy life with his witch sister Sumac: a mausoleum home, a broom-pool commute and a canasta night with the Wolf Man and Dracula. When he finally starts on Snow White, the wicked queen turns out to be a hideous former college soccer star with a rude magic mirror and a torture-room captain named Irving Schwarzkopf, but Uncle Gruesome abandons the tale halfway through to check on the broth he promised to an ailing Frankenstein.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Don't you just love Grimm's fairy tales?
Nothing ostentatious, rather simple little split-level mausoleum and a picture window crypt.
Tonight we're having some friends in for canasta. The Wolf Man and Dracula will be partners.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
George Fiala created Uncle Gruesome's makeup for Kovacs's 1955-56 NBC morning show. After parents called to say the character frightened their children, Kovacs had the makeup removed on air in an April 1956 episode to show it was only make-up effects.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Speaker 1
In just a moment, we will bring you another wonderful adventure story told by your delightful friend, Uncle Gruesome. Boys and girls, in I know you've been waiting for Uncle Gruesome to appear, and he is in just a moment. So, clasp hands, boys and girls, for another tale by Uncle Gruesome.
- 00:47
Uncle Gruesome
Hello kiddies. This is your Uncle Gruesome for this little session of storytelling. Hello, Don't you just love Grimm's fairy tales? Uncle Gruesome thinks they're very charming. Stories like Sleeping Beauty and how she was poisoned by the Queen.
- 01:22
Uncle Gruesome
Isn't that delightful? Little Red Riding Hood, how her grandmother was gobbled up au gratin. excuse me while i replace a fang there that's much better isn't it and the other oh there now the red riding hood's grandmother was gobbled up by this wolf who had a dining club card and i'm sure most of you will remember the hot little chapter in hansel and gretel where they were
- 01:55
Uncle Gruesome
shoved into the oil burner by the old witch i just love children's fairy tales don't you of course now today i'm going to tell all you delicious little children the story of snow white the gentleman who has the position here of floor manager seems to think this The is rather humorous in fact we had quite a little tiff yesterday when uncle gruesome came to the studio to
- 02:28
Uncle Gruesome
look over the lights but uncle gruesome had some spare time last night made this charming little doll. It does bear a remarkable resemblance, doesn't it? There he goes, it walking up and down again while Uncle Gruesome is talking.
- 02:53
Uncle Gruesome
Well now, let's see. There now, that didn't take long, did it? Well, I must hurry along with my story now because my little sister, Sumac, is going to pick me up on her 1956 Broom.
- 03:16
Uncle Gruesome
It's quite a vehicle, automatic clutch, power straws, and some really wonderful backup lights. And if I don't take the ride today, I'll never get a chance, because little Sumac belongs to a broom pool, and it's her turn this week to fly the witches to work.
- 03:34
Uncle Gruesome
We have quite a happy little home, Sumac and I, nothing ostentatious, rather simple little split-level mausoleum and a picture window crypt. There's a subway way practically at the door to the nearest cemetery so you can see how convenient it is tonight we're having some friends in for canasta the wolf man and Dracula will be partners and I'm going to team up with a creature from the
- 04:00
Uncle Gruesome
Black Lagoon should be fun don't you think little sumac is going to make the sandwiches I don't think I'd better tell you what's in them because so many of the children of this generation are so queasy however they'll all be done in a delightful mixture using a cream cheese base all washed down with some room temperature poison hemlock i've been looking forward to it all day now
- 04:28
Uncle Gruesome
let's get on with the story of snow white excuse me let's see if my broth is done yet frankenstein has been feeling poorly all week and i It looks so good, doesn't it? night oh so I did promise to drop in and bring them a little something.
- 04:52
Uncle Gruesome
Hasn't been to cook yet. Well, one day, the wicked queen was sitting in her dressing room, casually sticking some pins into a little wax effigy she'd made of a former friend, just killing time when she happened to look at her old album of her former college days.
- 05:10
Uncle Gruesome
The queen had been quite a soccer player at dear old Mausoleum University, versity, being particularly adapted to the game with her webbed feet, as she had been voted the most hideous girl of her class.
- 05:24
Uncle Gruesome
She'd always been a little self-conscious about this and had had several beauticians beheaded until she found one who transformed her into a thing of loveliness. She looked up into the mirror on the wall, which was a lovely thing with half the silvering gone and the frame made of black ebony cut from the plank of a Chinese pirate ship and she said as she ran her long
- 05:47
Uncle Gruesome
yellow fingers through her exquisitely coiffured green hair mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all the mirror spoke and said my dear queen back away for I have a hunch that again you've been eating some garlic for lunch well the queen smiled grimly at the mirror's frankness with her three even rows of ochre teeth reflecting the candlelight on the walls and casually picking
- 06:17
Uncle Gruesome
up the postman whom she had had petrified by casting the spell on him for having read her postcards she said to the mirror how would you like me to make you into about 40 compacts get it the mirror hastily got to the business at hand the coughed once which fogged the surface a little and said snow white is prettier from the spring to the fall mostly because
- 06:43
Uncle Gruesome
she's 11 feet tall so said the queen absolutely kicking the leg out from under a stork who'd been taking a nap snow white again now just because she's 11 feet tall and the queen stretched her own neck to make herself taller which was not too difficult in as much as her head was removable well there's only one thing to do said the queen i must call the
- 07:08
Uncle Gruesome
captain of the torture room so she lighted the wicks and the mouths of several servants which he had had dipped in wax so the wicked queen could see well enough to go through her files and quickly she found the captain of her torture room and called him on the crystal ball intercom system made by a cousin who was a mind reader in a very few seconds the
- 07:31
Uncle Gruesome
captain popped up through the trap door feet first the queen turned to him and said irving schwarzkopf that was the captain's name as captain of my torture room i have little job for you okay queen said irving slipping a hot red pepper to the queen's parakeet on the side for irving loves his little fun what shall it be and the queen said tomorrow Tomorrow, Irving, when you're
- 07:56
Uncle Gruesome
out on your coffee break, drop up to Snow White's room and shoot a poison dart or something at her if you have time. All right, Queen, said Irving, quickly taking the little plastic cup of water out of the parakeet's cage.
- 08:08
Uncle Gruesome
I'll do that for you tomorrow at ten. Sharp. Hear me, the time has flown. I must see if my broth is done. Frankenstein is expecting me. Mmm, I simply It's simply delicious.
