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Translator
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
At InnoTech Research, scientist Helen and two lab assistants show a pair of impatient executives the over-budget X5 prototype, a helmet that reads a household pet's brain waves and turns its thoughts into speech. After a burst of gibberish and a signal boost, her dog Max starts talking about playing ball and the bird in the window, then announces that he likes Donald Trump. Helen insists it must be a glitch, but Max calmly defends the Electoral College, the stock market and border enforcement, accuses her of condescension and turns every liberal argument back on her, down to his own neutering. As the executives grow appalled and the demonstration collapses into a shouting match, the team calls off the test, and Helen makes peace with Max by putting his little hat on for a walk.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Donald Trump is our president. He carried the Electoral College fair and square.
What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.
You didn't afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Johansson brought the sketch back when she hosted again on December 14, 2019, with Heidi Gardner voicing a piglet.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Scientist
Good morning. Innotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting presentation.
- 00:06
Executive
Well, it better be. This project is, what, $18 million over budget?
- 00:10
Scientist
Yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.
- 00:19
Executive
Near completion. So what exactly are we going to see here?
- 00:22
Helen
Well, it all goes well exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet's mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max.
- 00:40
Scientist
Looks like he's ready.
- 00:42
Executive
Then let's see it.
- 00:43
Helen
Okay, Max, here we go.
- 00:46
Scientist
EEG signal 100%. Vitals are normal. And we have mind link.
- 00:52
Helen
Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.
- 01:02
Executive
-"Brilliance."
- 01:03
Helen
-"Hang on. It worked, I swear. Now boost the signal. Max, speak."
- 01:09
Max
-"Woof. Woof. Woof. Hi. I'm Max. It's me, Max."
- 01:16
-"Oh, my God."
- 01:18
Max
-"I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window."
- 01:22
Helen
-"I think he means the pigeon. He's never spoken this much before. Now, Max, what else do you like?
- 01:28
Max
I like Park and Gleesh. And I like Trump. He's my man.
- 01:34
Executive
Wait, what? What did your dog just say?
- 01:38
Helen
Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.
- 01:42
Max
There's no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the Electoral College fair and square.
- 01:47
Scientist
Oh. This can't be right.
- 01:50
Executive
Did you know your dog likes Trump?
- 01:52
Helen
He doesn't.
- 01:53
Max
I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.
- 02:00
Helen
Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don't like Trump.
- 02:03
Max
The Dow was up 2,700 points since he was elected. What's not to like?
- 02:07
Executive
Your dog is a monster.
- 02:10
Helen
No, he's not. Just let me talk to him. Max, I'm sorry, but you're just a dog. You don't know what you're talking about.
- 02:17
Max
Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. Stinking helmet. Can't believe you put this on me. It's just come to that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place.
- 02:30
Helen
-"Get over here, Max. This is crazy, okay? I can't believe you're saying this. You're supposed to be my best friend."
- 02:39
Max
-"And as your friend, I don't want to see your tax dollars going to healthcare for illegals."
- 02:45
Executive
-"Your dog is a jackass."
- 02:47
Helen
-"What? Oh, hang on. Hang on, Max. Listen, Trump is bad. Trump is a racist."
- 02:52
Max
-"What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.
- 02:57
Executive
Really?
- 02:58
Helen
No, Max, that is not true.
- 03:00
Max
It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn't owned by Wall Street.
- 03:06
Helen
Oh, my God. Are you insane? My head's gonna explode. What about his record on women's rights? Don't you want me to have a choice over my own body?
- 03:14
Max
You didn't afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.
- 03:17
Helen
Oh, you... Max, you don't know anything. You're a dog. You're just a dog. You pee on the floor.
- 03:23
Max
And you masturbate out of boredom.
- 03:25
Helen
What the hell does that have to do with what we're talking about right now?
- 03:29
Max
Whoa. You just assume that because I'm a Trump supporter that I'm a xenophobic racist.
- 03:36
Helen
No, I don't. Max, your best friend at the dog park is a Chihuahua.
- 03:41
Max
So?
- 03:42
Helen
Well, that means he's Mexican, and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.
- 03:46
Max
If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.
- 03:51
Scientist
All right, stand back. I'm gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.
- 03:55
Max
Oh, for God's sake. I can't even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes.
- 04:01
Helen
No, enough! Enough! Enough! Now, shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.
- 04:07
Scientist
Uh, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously, we have some more work to do.
- 04:14
Executive
Obviously.
- 04:15
Executive
Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.
- 04:20
Helen
It's okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other. Well, there's point of view, I guess. Now, let's go for a walk, okay? Put your hat on. Hold. There you go. Good thing you're cute, you little dumbass.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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