You're a Rat Bastard, Charlie Brown

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00

   Speaker 1

   Are you tired of family entertainment with no edge, no grit? Then let the New York Actors Studio show you a new twist on an old classic. It's You're a Rat Bastard, Charlie. Starring Glen Gary Glen Ross' Al Pacino.

2. 00:16
   

   Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

   Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy.

3. 00:19

   Speaker 1

   Philip Seymour Hoffman as Pigpen.

4. 00:21
   

   Philip Seymour Hoffman (as Pig Pen)

   You know, I think the whole Christmas experience is overrated.

5. 00:24
   

   Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

   Pigpen!

6. 00:25
   

   Philip Seymour Hoffman (as Pig Pen)

   Charlie.

7. 00:26
   

   Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

   You look like .

8. 00:27
   

   Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

   You smell like .

9. 00:29
   

   Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

   Well, you're my friend, Pic-Man.

10. 00:31

    Speaker 1

    With Edie Falco as Lucy.

11. 00:33
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    Charlie Brown, what the heck do you think you're doing? This is Christmas. You can't just be moping around. It's not right.

12. 00:40
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    I know.

13. 00:40
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    I know what you need.

14. 00:42
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    What?

15. 00:42
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    I have Ativan. You want that?

16. 00:44
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Oh, yeah!

17. 00:45
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    Little Valium?

18. 00:46
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Oh, yeah!

19. 00:47
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    You like a Klonopin?

20. 00:48
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    I want something taking me sky high!

21. 00:52

    Speaker 1

    It's Charlie Brown by Way of Brooklyn with Larry David as Wallace.

22. 00:57
    

    Larry David (as Linus)

    I don't know this whole Christmas thing. It's a whole to-do, you know the parties and the presents and the decorating. It's not for me

23. 01:04
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    We mean Christmas is not for you. Don't tell me it's not for you. I say it's for you Then it's for you.

24. 01:09
    

    Larry David (as Linus)

    Oh, so so so so I'm just supposed to accept what you say

25. 01:12
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    You know what? You don't know what the hell you're talking about you, Linus.

26. 01:16
    

    Larry David (as Linus)

    me?

27. 01:17
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Yeah.

28. 01:18
    

    Larry David (as Linus)

    Why don't you go yourself Charlie Brown

29. 01:21

    Speaker 1

    That's the whole peanut game. Like Forrest Whitaker as Franklin

30. 01:25
    

    Forest Whitaker (as Franklin)

    Charlie, what's the meaning of Christmas?

31. 01:28

    Speaker 1

    Kristen Chenoweth reprises her Broadway role as Sally.

32. 01:32
    

    Kristin Chenoweth (as Sally)

    Dear Santa, how was your summer? Did y'all have a swell little...

33. 01:39
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Stupid.

34. 01:41

    Speaker 1

    Michael Keaton as Schroeder.

35. 01:43
    

    Michael Keaton (as Schroeder)

    You want to get peanuts? Come on! Let's get peanuts.

36. 01:47

    Speaker 1

    And all the adults.

37. 01:49
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Nobody likes me, Ma.

38. 01:51
    

    Fran Drescher (as Charlie Brown's Mother)

    Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

39. 01:53
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Oh, you're killing me, Ma.

40. 01:55

    Speaker 1

    Voiced by the incomparable Fran Drescher.

41. 01:58
    

    Fran Drescher (as Charlie Brown's Mother)

    Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

42. 02:00
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Oh, that's like a knife in my heart! Ah!

43. 02:07
    

    Philip Seymour Hoffman (as Pig Pen)

    Charlie, you're out of eggnog.

44. 02:09
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    I'm out of eggnog?

45. 02:09
    

    Philip Seymour Hoffman (as Pig Pen)

    Yeah.

46. 02:11
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    You're out of eggnog! This whole party's out of eggnog!

47. 02:15

    Speaker 1

    It's all the iconic Charlie Brown moments you remember from childhood.

48. 02:20
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Lucy, you gonna hold the football?

49. 02:22
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    Yes!

50. 02:23
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    You gonna hold that football?

51. 02:24
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    Yes!

52. 02:25
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    All right, here I go!

53. 02:27

    Charlie!

54. 02:29
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Wow! Oh, you bitch!

55. 02:32
    

    Edie Falco (as Lucy)

    Oh, my God. Calm the down. Charlie Brown.

56. 02:39
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    Get the out of here!

57. 02:41
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    It's good. It's soft.

58. 02:45
    

    Al Pacino (as Charlie Brown)

    All right, we're gonna take animation real quick.

59. 02:48

    Speaker 1

    You're a rat bastard, Charlie Brown.

60. 02:51

    Speaker 1

    In previews now and forever, so they can never review it.

61. 02:55
    

    Larry David (as Linus)

    It's, uh, pretty, pretty, pretty good.