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George R.R. Martin Ruins Christmas (Hardly Working)
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Josh Ruben's George R.R. Martin interrupts an office Christmas visit by killing Santa and claiming his seat. The employees ask him to spare their favorite Game of Thrones characters, but each request inspires a more elaborate death, delivered as Martin eats and laughs at their distress. When one employee offers the death of Tyrion as a Christmas gift to the author, Martin briefly discovers some holiday spirit. He then notices the employees gathered together and orders another massacre.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 14
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Why so glum, chums?
No, it's covered in beard hair.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Matt Enlow
Director
Dan Siegel
Producer
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The sketch was released on December 22, 2014. Visual effects are credited to Gloo Studios.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:03
Rachel
All All right, everybody, we have a special visitor. He has a bushy white beard, a great big belly, and he comes from a snowy fantasy land. Here he is.
- 00:16
Santa
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho.
- 00:21
Speaker 1
god! Oh my god!
- 00:24
George R.R. Martin
That was close! Hahaha!
- 00:29
George R.R. Martin
Why so glum, chums? It's Christmas. Just like this year old dead fucker. Your old pal George R.R. is coming to make all your Game of Thrones wishes come true. Ho, ho, ho. Hello.
- 00:40
Pat
Hello, Mr. Martin. What I really want more than anything is for Arya to finally reunite with Jon Snow.
- 00:46
George R.R. Martin
Well, have you been a good boy, Podrick?
- 00:48
Pat
Yes, yes.
- 00:48
George R.R. Martin
Then your wish shall come true. Let's see here. Arya arrived at the Wall and is, uh, well, reunited with her long-lost half-brother. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say her half-brother? I meant half of her brother, because Jon Snow was ripped in half by a giant!
- 01:05
Speaker 1
GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH! GAH GAH GAH GAH
- 01:08
Trapp
Please stop torturing Theon Greyjoy. That's all I want.
- 01:11
George R.R. Martin
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mike Twerp, but unfortunately Theon's on my naughty list, and everyone on my naughty list gets their dicks chopped off. Their tits, their clits, their buttholes, their thumbs, their feet, everything. Skin around their asses.
- 01:21
Trapp
Okay, okay, okay, okay! What other characters are on your naughty list?
- 01:23
George R.R. Martin
Let's see here. Okay. We got Theon, Littlefinger, Brienne.
- 01:28
Sam
Brienne? She's the bravest knight in Westeros.
- 01:30
George R.R. Martin
Not in my next book when she lezes out with the Red Witch and betrays Lamy Lannister.
- 01:34
Sam
Oh, come on!
- 01:35
George R.R. Martin
I'm talking real, real, real, real.
- 01:37
Rachel
Oh! I want Daenerys Targaryen to forgive Jorah Mormont and let him back into her army.
- 01:43
George R.R. Martin
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
- 01:44
Rachel
I mean, they belong together.
- 01:46
George R.R. Martin
Yeah, I like it, yeah.
- 01:47
Rachel
So you'll do it.
- 01:48
George R.R. Martin
Oh, no, I was just talking about these sweet-ass cookies. I just saw about seven or ten sleeves of them. Hey, look, they've got a little raisins inside. You want to try?
- 01:55
Rachel
No, it's covered in beard hair.
- 01:56
George R.R. Martin
Suit yourself.
- 01:57
Rachel
What about Jorah and Daenerys?
- 01:59
George R.R. Martin
Oh, well, he's skinned alive and she trades in her dragons for a nice pair of shoes.
- 02:02
Rachel
Fuck you!
- 02:03
George R.R. Martin
Oh, someone just earned herself a spot on the naughty list. Brian!
- 02:07
Brian the Guard
Bye, bitch.
- 02:08
Rachel
What? No!
- 02:12
Free
- 02:13
George R.R. Martin
Three prostitutes, each killed more sadistically than the last. By Joffrey!
- 02:18
Emily
But Mr. R, Joffrey's dead. He couldn't possibly...
- 02:21
George R.R. Martin
Oh, no, no. He comes back as White Walker.
- 02:23
Emily
Fine, then Sam Tarly will kill him with his magical dagger that he found.
- 02:26
George R.R. Martin
He would, except he woke up in the middle of the night and ate Gilly in his sleep.
- 02:30
Emily
He never did that. That's his true love.
- 02:32
George R.R. Martin
Sorry, he's just so fucking depressed that he jumps off the wall and lands on Bran, killing them both. And he's so fat that he splits open the earth and swallows the entire night's wax.
- 02:46
Adam
Can you not kill Tyrion?
- 02:48
George R.R. Martin
Oh, not to worry, I'm counter. He's alive and well, as his tiny legs are being cooked by a giant fire-breathing dragon.
- 02:55
Adam
Hey.
- 02:57
George R.R. Martin
Hey, didn't you hear? I just fried alive your favorite guy. Why so dry in the eyes?
- 03:04
Adam
Well, Mr. Martin, it's Christmas. If killing Tyrion makes you happy, then that's my Christmas gift to you.
- 03:15
George R.R. Martin
A Christmas gift? For old R.R.? Boy, I'm just filled with Christmas cheer. And cheese steaks.
- 03:30
George R.R. Martin
I'm right All there in a group. Kill him.
- 03:47
Speaker 1
Thanks, Pat! I'm always fine!
- 03:59
Speaker 2
Now I return to the terrifying digital realm I always go to when my YouTube videos end.
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