Obamacare Website Tips

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00

   And now, a message from the Department of Health and Human Services.

2. 00:05
   

   Kathleen Sebelius

   Hello there. Lene Hi, I'm Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health under President Obama. Now, a lot of folks have been talking about our new health care enrollment website, how it's been crashing and freezing and shutting down and stalling and not working and breaking and sucking. Well, tonight, I have a number of friendly tips to help you deal with those technical problems. For example, have you tried restarting your computer? Sometimes it helps to turn the computer off and then turn it back on. We don't know why, it just does. If our website still isn't loading properly, we're probably just overloaded with traffic. Millions of Americans are visiting healthcare.gov, which is great news. Unfortunately, the site was only designed to handle six users at a time. So if you're in a rush, consider using our low-res website with simpler fonts and graphics. Nice. Or if the regular English site isn't working, try signing up in a different language, like say, Icelandic. And then choose one of four simple plans. Fjordflug, Hügelhofer, Trollish, or Hi-Five. Now that's fun. And if our site keeps freezing, we've also provided links to other helpful websites, such as Kayak.com, where you can purchase airline tickets to Canada and buy cheaper prescription drugs. Or Or how about BitTorrent, where you can download pirated copies of healthcare-related movies like Patch Adams. We also have links to a number of doctor-themed pornographic websites that should help you pass the time. Sites like Doctors Without Boundaries, Bang Ambulance, WebMDDs, and Blue Cross Blue Ball. Still need guidance? consult healthcare.gov's frequently asked questions for topics like, what the hell? How have I been on the same page for three hours? Does Obamacare cover mental health issues caused by using this website? And our most frequently asked question, who the government? or Or you can contact us by mail. Just send a postcard with the word help to the U.S. government. attention internet problems Washington DC and in six to eight weeks you'll receive an informational brochure along with a trial version of Encarta encyclopedia plus 1,000 free hours of AOL just don't install any of these programs while our website is running or it will cause an actual fire so enjoy your new health care system America and be sure to like us on Facebook 30 Oh, look at that! We're already up to to three likes. And I like that enthusiasm. Uh, IT? Can we get someone from IT in here?

3. 03:43
   

   Technician

   No problem.

4. 03:47

   Backstab!

5. 03:51
   

   Kathleen Sebelius

   Oh, And I almost forgot the most important thing of all. Whatever happens, do not or or you will die. Thank you for listening, and live from New York, it's...

6. 04:10

   Saturday Night!