Stefon and Derek Zoolander on Autumn's Hottest Tips

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01
   

   Weekend Update Anchor

   It's autumn in New York and thousands of tourists will be coming to our city to enjoy what the Big Apple has to offer here With some tips on what they should check out is our city correspondent Stefan

2. 00:10
   

   Stefon

   Hi

3. 00:26
   

   Weekend Update Anchor

   Hi, Stefan,

4. 00:27
   

   Stefon

   uh that was some vacation. We took this summer How's your back

5. 00:32
   

   Weekend Update Anchor

   so Stefan? Autumn in New York is a special time and Lots of people from around the country will be coming to spend a weekend in the city any tips on how they can have some some family fun?

6. 00:45
   

   Stefon

   Yes. If you're looking for family fun, look no further. New York's hottest club is uh-huh. Opened in 2010, this active crime scene is the creation of lazily named drag queen, Melvin and Address. Needless to say, this place has everything. Stick balls, pickpockets, cookie crisp. And look who's at the bar, is that Kate Moss? No, it's a Pakistani family that cuts in line at Universal Studios.

7. 01:14
   

   Weekend Update Anchor

   Stéphane, Stéphane, Stéphane. I apologize if I was unclear on what I wanted.

8. 01:21
   

   Stefon

   Right, right, right.

9. 01:23
   

   Weekend Update Anchor

   But most people visiting New York will want the classic New York experience.

10. 01:26
    

    Stefon

    Right, right, right, right.

11. 01:27
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    Can you recommend anything to fit that?

12. 01:28
    

    Stefon

    Yes, yes. If you're looking for an experience, I've got the place for you. New York's hottest club is located in a haunted synagogue. This upper, lower side hotspot is the creation of Italian reggae singer Rasta Primavera. This place has everything. Brooms, scrunchies, screw heads, a shaved lion that looks like Mario Batali. And make sure to be there this Friday because the first hundred people through the door will win human fire extinguishers.

13. 02:16
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    Because it's written on my cue card and only because it's written on my cue card, I will ask what is a human fire extinguisher?

14. 02:23
    

    Stefon

    It's that thing of when a thin midget paints himself red and then chews Alka-Seltzer until foam shoots at his mouth. Where's the fire?

15. 02:38
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    Stefan. Stefan! I am beginning to think you don't work for the New York Chamber of Commerce.

16. 02:45
    

    Stefon

    Slander. Take it back.

17. 02:47
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    You have to go.

18. 02:47
    

    Stefon

    But I haven't even told you about the big Halloween blowout this year. I have a plus one.

19. 02:52
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    I'm sorry, Stefan. I can't go with you. My girlfriend and I are going to a bed and breakfast.

20. 02:56
    

    Stefon

    Right. Well, I'd invite you anyway, because Ari have a guest, and he's here. Please welcome Welcome, New York's hottest male model, Derek Zoolander.

21. 03:23
    

    Derek Zoolander

    Am I on the news?

22. 03:25
    

    Stefon

    Tell them about the Halloween party.

23. 03:27
    

    Derek Zoolander

    For too long, Halloween in New York has been a quiet, almost religion-y holiday for old people and babies. But that's all about to change. This year, I'm hosting a VIP blowout in New York's hottest neighborhood, Sohohnobohiwo.

24. 03:43
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    Where?

25. 03:44
    

    Derek Zoolander

    South of West Houston below Lower Hoboken.

26. 03:50
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    Whoa. So that's the middle of the Hudson River.

27. 03:55
    

    Derek Zoolander

    Seth, I want to use this party as a message. A message that I want to spread that you don't need illegal drugs to have a good time. There are plenty of good prescription drugs.

28. 04:05
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    Derek, this segment is supposed to help tourists.

29. 04:08
    

    Derek Zoolander

    You want to help the tourists? They're trying to attack our country.

30. 04:14
    

    Stefon

    God, he's dumb. I love him.

31. 04:16
    

    Derek Zoolander

    This party is my entry back into New York nightlife. I can't wait to see old friends like John Galliano.

32. 04:22
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    John Galliano, the fashion designer who praised Hitler.

33. 04:26
    

    Derek Zoolander

    We've all accidentally praised Rudolf Hitler on TV, okay?

34. 04:30
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    And I think we're done. I think we're done.

35. 04:32
    

    Derek Zoolander

    What's the matter, Seth Meyers? Jealous?

36. 04:34
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    I'm not jealous. I'm not. I don't even want to go to your stupid costume party.

37. 04:40
    

    Derek Zoolander

    I'm not wearing a costume. I'm just wearing my new look, cold coffee.

38. 04:54
    

    Stefon

    And I'm wearing my new look, rigor mortis.

39. 05:01
    

    Derek Zoolander

    that's not sexy Stefan you have to pout your lips and look stupid like Seth

40. 05:06
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    I don't have to put up with this

41. 05:07
    

    Derek Zoolander

    look this party's for charity okay all proceeds go to benefit the Derek Zoolander Foundation for fat kids who are fat but not in a cute way like that fat kid on Modern Family

42. 05:20
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    well I really misjudged you guys you two are just trying to help a good cause even though I can't I'd love to make a donation.

43. 05:30
    

    Stefon

    -"Yay!"

44. 05:30
    

    Weekend Update Anchor

    -"Step on a Zoolander!"