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Celebrity Jeopardy!

Saturday Night Live 1999 Season 25 Episode 3

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Alex Trebek struggles to keep a celebrity quiz on track while Burt Reynolds changes his name and discovers an oversized cowboy hat.

Watch on YouTube

Watch onYouTube

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Alex Trebek faces Sean Connery, French Stewart and Burt Reynolds in a celebrity quiz that quickly falls apart. Reynolds changes the name on his podium, disputes his own buzzer and wanders off to find an enormous cowboy hat. Stewart supplies elaborate wrong answers, while Connery turns clues into insults aimed at the host. Trebek eventually asks the contestants to write any number. Stewart invents a number and wagers a state, Reynolds leaves his screen blank, and Connery spoils a briefly acceptable Roman numeral with another insult. Reynolds finishes by dropping his hat over Trebek.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 4

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name.

The answer, of course, is onions.

Threeve. A combination of three and five.

ScriptEnglish · 63 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:10
Alex Trebek
celebrity Jeopardy. Before we begin the double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record with negative two hundred and thirty thousand dollars.
00:34
Sean Connery
You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek? What with your Dago mustache on your greasy hair
00:40
Alex Trebek
look what did i just say about ethnic slurs from third rock from the sun french stewart in second place with negative seventeen thousand dollars
00:53
French Stewart
i'm a late bloomer alex and in double jeopardy i'm gonna bloom
00:56
Alex Trebek
sure you will and finally back again burt reynolds in a commanding with $14.
01:06
Burt Reynolds
Hey, hey, uh, check out the podium, look at this.
01:08
Alex Trebek
Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.
01:15
Burt Reynolds
Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson, it's a funny name.
01:19
Alex Trebek
Great. Let's take a look at the final board. And the categories are... that category is about French phrases so let's just skip it
01:39
Burt Reynolds
hey I speak a little French you're an ass bite pardon my French
01:42
Alex Trebek
all right
01:43
French Stewart
my name's French
01:46
Burt Reynolds
yeah well who gives a damn
01:47
Alex Trebek
moving on animal sounds condiments and finally your ass or a hole in the ground Mr. Reynolds unfortunately you're in the lead so we'll start with you
02:02
Burt Reynolds
yeah I'll take the condom thing for eight thousand
02:06
Alex Trebek
That's condiments for $400. This condiment is made from mustard seeds. French Stewart.
02:18
French Stewart
The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take condiments for $800, thank you.
02:22
Alex Trebek
That's not the right answer. Burt Reynolds.
02:27
Burt Reynolds
That's not my name.
02:32
Alex Trebek
Okay, Turd Ferguson.
02:39
Burt Reynolds
Yeah, what do you want?
02:42
Alex Trebek
You buzzed in.
02:44
Burt Reynolds
No, I didn't.
02:45
Alex Trebek
Yes, you did.
02:46
Burt Reynolds
Yeah, well, that's your opinion.
02:49
Alex Trebek
I hate my job. The answer was mustard. Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Reynolds, it's still your board.
03:01
Burt Reynolds
Yeah, well, why don't you give me, uh... Why don't you give me ape tit for 200?
03:06
Alex Trebek
It's not ape tit. It's a petite never mind. Let's just go to Animal Sounds for 600. This is the sound a doggie makes. Mr. Connery.
03:28
Sean Connery
Mool.
03:30
Alex Trebek
No.
03:31
Sean Connery
Well, that's the sound your mother made last night.
03:39
Alex Trebek
Okay, that's not necessary. Bert Reynolds.
03:44
Burt Reynolds
Who is Scooby-Doo?
03:48
Alex Trebek
No.
03:49
Burt Reynolds
That was a funny dog, Scooby-Doo. He drove around in a van and solved mysteries.
03:54
Alex Trebek
That is incorrect.
03:56
Burt Reynolds
No, that's correct. I remember, he had a pal, Scrappy-Doo.
04:01
Alex Trebek
No. French Stewart, the sound a dog makes.
04:06
French Stewart
Um... Who is John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band? Thank you very much. I'll take Animal Sounds for 800.
04:14
Alex Trebek
No! Good Lord! We would have accepted Bow Wow or Ruff.
04:21
Sean Connery
Oh, Ruff, just the way your mother likes it, Trevino.
04:28
Alex Trebek
Come on, that is way out of line.
04:30
Sean Connery
Fine.
04:30
Alex Trebek
Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?
04:34
Burt Reynolds
Yeah, I found this backstage, an oversized hat. It's funny.
04:37
Alex Trebek
No, it's not.
04:39
Burt Reynolds
Shirted. It's funny. It's funny because it's bigger than a normal hat.
04:43
Alex Trebek
I see that. Get back to your podium.
04:45
Burt Reynolds
Take a look at that.
04:46
Alex Trebek
Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. It's not funny.
04:52
French Stewart
What's going on?
04:54
Alex Trebek
Okay, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy! And the category is... You know what? I'll tell you what. You know what? Just write a number. Any number. Any number, and you win. We'll accept any number, any number at all. A one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple. I know you can do this. Let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer.
05:30
French Stewart
Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex.
05:32
Alex Trebek
Well, all you had to do was write down a number and you wrote
05:36
French Stewart
three, combination of three and five.
05:43
Alex Trebek
Simply stunning. And you wagered Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless.
05:52
French Stewart
No, I did not get the answer from anyone else. It all came from Mr. Stuart Snoggin up here.
05:57
Alex Trebek
That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds.
05:59
Burt Reynolds
Yeah, don't bother. I didn't write anything.
06:01
Alex Trebek
Good work. All right. Finally, Mr. Connery, the category was numbers, and you wrote a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend, V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.
06:19
Sean Connery
Suck it, Trebek.
06:27
Alex Trebek
That's all the time we have. Good night.
06:32
Alex Trebek
My... Would you get them off me?!