sketchtv.lol Search

You're tuned to the good stuff

Rita On Halloween

Saturday Night Live1996Season 22Episode 4
Saturday Night LiveSNL
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Rita DelVecchio hands out Halloween treats from her porch along with a steady stream of insults for the trick-or-treaters and their parents.

Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube

Community rating

3.0 / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

On Halloween night, Rita DelVecchio waits on her decorated porch, complaining to an offscreen neighbor that her husband stayed on the couch instead of dressing up. She judges each group of children who come to the door, mocking their costumes and their parents, throwing something at a boy who asks for a quarter and groaning at two kids dressed as SNL's Spartan Cheerleaders. After pranksters toilet-paper the house, she gathers the rolls and announces she is keeping them. Her friend Loretta comes up to the porch for safety, and the two trade gossip about the neighborhood kids while Rita lectures a girl dressed as Madonna with a baby doll. A shared memory of simpler Halloweens turns into a teasing jab between the friends just as a pack of Power Rangers approaches.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 2

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

Honey, little girls can't be pirates.

Now tell your mother to put down the bottle and pick up a sewing machine.

Now, honey, do you know what an unmarried lady did with a baby in my day? She hid it till it was 18 years old.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

SNL Archives counts this as the fourth appearance of Cheri Oteri's Rita DelVecchio.

ScriptEnglish · 55 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:04

    Rita

    Hi Bella Are you ready for the little ghouls and goblins? Yeah, not my husband's on the couch watching a tape from his MacGyver library. Yeah. Yeah, I said storm. It's Halloween What are you supposed to be? He says a traffic cop now keep moving. I says you bastard your bed

  2. 00:26

    Rita

    This what do we have? Oh, we've got a brave fireman and a scary skeleton

  3. 00:32

    Speaker 1

    My dad told me to ask for a quarter

  4. 00:35

    Rita

    a quarter, huh? What's your dad do for a living though?

  5. 00:38

    Speaker 1

    He's out of work.

  6. 00:39

    Rita

    Yeah, there's her shocker. Here, give him this, okay?

  7. 00:42

    Speaker 1

    Ow!

  8. 00:42

    Rita

    Yeah, look at the hell off my porch, you little John Gotti. Go hose him down.

  9. 00:57

    Rita

    Okay,

  10. 01:01

    Rita

    good, you know, if I see that freaking skit one more time, I'm gonna put my foot through the TV.

  11. 01:05

    Rita

    I'm

  12. 01:38

    Rita

    okay. A little gassy. We just date. Yeah, the trick-or-treaters, they're precious. Yeah, but, dog, whatever you do, don't let them use your bathroom. Last year, I had a little hula dancer woke up with a bottle of my Gina Tay. Yeah. Right? I had her father come pick her grassy ass up. no I did

  13. 01:55

    no trick-or-treat

  14. 01:57

    Rita

    oh what's this who do we have here now who are you supposed to be handsome

  15. 02:01

    Speaker 2

    I'm David Hasselhoff

  16. 02:03

    Rita

    good good the primetime pimp now who are you supposed to be in this badly stitched outfit huh

  17. 02:14

    Speaker 3

    I'm a pirate

  18. 02:15

    Rita

    honey little girls can't be pirates

  19. 02:18

    Speaker 3

    my mommy says girls can be whatever boys can be

  20. 02:20

    Rita

    yeah that's cuz your mommy can't so okay hit the pike short stuff wait wait a second come here come here come here i feel sorry for you here

  21. 02:27

    Speaker 3

    what is this

  22. 02:28

    Rita

    it's a spoiler down an italian pastry

  23. 02:32

    Speaker 3

    i like candy

  24. 02:33

    Rita

    oh yeah so do i okay now tell your mother to put down the bottle and pick up a sewing machine okay okay

  25. 02:54

    Rita

    okay oh

  26. 02:56

    Rita

    did they get you too

  27. 03:07

    Loretta

    i'm taking my names

  28. 03:08

    Rita

    what do you got here

  29. 03:09

    Loretta

    okay now see this

  30. 03:10

    Rita

    That one's bad.

  31. 03:11

    Loretta

    Good work, Ducks.

  32. 03:11

    Rita

    I know this kid.

  33. 03:12

    Loretta

    Oh, he's bad.

  34. 03:13

    Rita

    I know this kid.

  35. 03:13

    Loretta

    Yeah. Oh, boy.

  36. 03:14

    Rita

    I know his mother. She drinks.

  37. 03:15

    Tree for tree.

  38. 03:17

    Loretta

    Oh, look at how cute she is, Rita.

  39. 03:20

    Rita

    Oh.

  40. 03:21

    Rita

    Now, who are you supposed to be, doll?

  41. 03:23

    Speaker 4

    I'm Madonna, and this is my brand-new baby girl.

  42. 03:28

    Rita

    Madonna, sweetheart.

  43. 03:31

    Rita

    Right here. Right here. Right here.

  44. 03:34

    Loretta

    That's the Madonna. I just don't want to know.

  45. 03:38

    Rita

    Now, honey, do you know what an unmarried lady did with a baby in my day? She hid it till it was 18 years old. now you go tell your mother to quit her phone sex job before i call sally jesse hit the pike hit the pike

  46. 03:51

    Loretta

    oh oh rita rita rita

  47. 03:55

    Rita

    i don't know i don't know

  48. 03:56

    Loretta

    remember when we was young we had the real simple costumes and we just went you know bobbing for apples

  49. 04:02

    Rita

    oh i died

  50. 04:03

    Rita

    hey the only thing that's bobbing now is these

  51. 04:05

    Loretta

    oh you set me up you set me up you bitch you set me

  52. 04:11

    Loretta

    Oh, Rita! Oh, Rita, watch out! Here comes a little pack of Power Rangers.

  53. 04:15

    Rita

    I see them! I see them!

  54. 04:16

    Loretta

    Get ready!

  55. 04:17

    Rita

    No, I got some.

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

More from across the archive.

Explore the show