Steve MartinHost
Himself
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Steve Martin's Holiday Wish
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Settled in an armchair beside a Christmas tree, Steve Martin speaks directly to the camera about what he would wish for this holiday season. He opens with a sentimental hope that the world's children will join together in song, but each time he imagines having one more wish, the additions grow more self-serving: a fortune paid to him tax-free every month, total power over every living thing and a month-long erotic indulgence with two celebrities. Rethinking his priorities, he decides the children's song is a logistical headache and reshuffles the list to put his own desires first, then suddenly remembers he also wants violent revenge on his enemies, before finally tacking the children back on and wishing everyone a merry Christmas.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
The third would be for all-encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.
The first would be the crap about the kids.
They should die like pigs in hell!
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Robert Smigel
Writer
Paul Miller
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Aired on the December 6, 1986 episode co-hosted by Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short, which also included the trio's Three Amigos salute. Written by Robert Smigel, the solo piece became a staple of SNL's Christmas compilations. Martin later reintroduced it on the holiday special A Very Gilly Christmas, hosted by Kristen Wiig as her character Gilly.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:03
Himself
if i had one wish that i could wish this holiday season it would be that all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace
- 00:16
Himself
if i had two wishes that i could make this holiday season the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in a spirit of harmony and peace
- 00:26
Himself
and the second would be for 30 million million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.
- 00:36
Himself
You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing.
- 00:46
Himself
The second would be for the $30 million every month to me. And the third would be for all-encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.
- 00:58
Himself
And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids. The second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power,
- 01:10
Himself
and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm. to be brought about slowly by Roseanne Arquette and that model Paulina somebody. I can't think of her name.
- 01:27
Himself
Of course, my lovely wife can come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.
- 01:34
Himself
Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish. So if I made that the first wish, you know, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, you know?
- 01:40
Himself
No, no, the kids. The kids singing would be great. That would be nice.
- 01:44
Himself
But wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean, they're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean the logistics of the thing it's impossibly more trouble than it's worth
- 01:51
Himself
so we reorganize here We go first the sex thing we go with that second the money No, we go at the power second then the money and then the kids.
- 02:00
Himself
Oh wait. Oh geez I forgot about revenge against my enemies. Okay. I need revenge against all my enemies. They should die like pigs in hell That would be the fourth one.
- 02:11
Himself
And of course my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world and sing in a spirit of harmony and peace.
- 02:22
Himself
Thank you, everybody, and Merry Christmas.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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