Stu

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03
   

   Kyle Mooney

   But the thing I want more than anything in the whole This world is a new bike. Love, Chase.

2. 00:10
   

   Santa Claus

   Oh, what a good boy. Let's get him that bike. And a helmet.

3. 00:16
   

   Kyle Mooney

   Oh, good thinking, Santa. Oh, and here's one from Emily. Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror.

4. 00:25
   

   Santa Claus

   That's exactly what she'll get, huh? Who's next? Rupert?

5. 00:31
   

   Beck Bennett

   Um...

6. 00:33
   

   Santa Claus

   Rupert, what is it?

7. 00:33
   

   Beck Bennett

   Well, it's just, mine's a little weird.

8. 00:37
   

   Santa Claus

   I'm sure it's not that weird. Just read it.

9. 00:40
   

   Beck Bennett

   Um, okay. Well, it starts normal enough. Dear Santa. Dear

10. 00:51
    

    Stu

    Dear Santa, I can't believe the year is almost over. It's getting colder, I'm a year older, but I'm still your soldier. You're my hero, cause you always bring me the assist. So once again, we're back to zero. Here we go, my Christmas list. I won't be greedy or needy or ask you for too much. Just want one thing, and hope you still got that magic touch.

11. 01:08
    

    Stu

    Cause gettin' this present is the only thing keepin' me alive Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5 I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the shopping mall like Paul Blart Tried to find one for sale, but the thing is that they're all out Yo, I even went to a GameStop, and then I was like, oh wait, stop Santa Claus can make one, the man got his own workshop I know you probably hear this every day, but you got a cool hat I love

12. 01:30
    

    Stu

    that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, Elf was fat Anyways, I love the things you do, don't forget Bring my gift, truly yours, I believe in you This is Stu.

13. 01:39
    

    Stu

    Dear Santa, Dear Santa, I noticed you never wrote me a letter back. That's fine, dog, except not really. I think that's kind of whack. If you can't help your biggest fan, then you should just retire. Or next time you slide down my chimney, I'll set your ass on fire. Just playing, I still love you. My girl thinks that I'm obsessed.

14. 01:59
    

    Stu

    I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest. Just bring that PS5, bro, if it's the only thing you do. Sincerely, yours, Stu. P.S. We should live together, too.

15. 02:08
    

    Dido

    Stu is waiting for his surprise To open up a PS5 He just really wants to play Assassin's Creed on Christmas Day But he can't buy it himself Because he lost his job Cause he was stealing from his boss I'd be worried Stu's a scary guy, a scary guy -♪

16. 02:33

    Elf

    Special delivery!

17. 02:33
    

    Stu

    -♪ Dear Mr. Jolly, jolly, two-faced son of a bitch I hope you crash or slay or wind up based down in a ditch I guess even the great St. Nick can't track down a PS5 Hey, Santa, I drank the fifth of eggnog Dare me to drive? You ruined Christmas! I wish I never told you what was on my wish list Screw you, you elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits So this'll be my last letter I know you miss me when I'm gone Sincerely,

18. 02:59
    

    Stu

    yours, Stu

19. 03:00

    Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Elton John

20. 03:02
    

    Elton John

    -♪ This year, Christmas will be mine This Santa sucks and he's too insane Already asked you very nicely And now he's really pissed off I'm just telling you Cause I like you a lot I'm a big fan of Santa Claus And I also want a PS5 A PS5

21. 03:28

    Elf

    Don't panic. Don't panic. I OUT!

22. 03:32
    

    Santa Claus

    Alright, alright! I think it's time I write a letter back to Stu.

23. 03:41
    

    Santa Claus

    Dear Stu, I think you've got the wrong address, bro. I'm not Santa Claus. Bye-bye.

24. 03:48

    Damn.

25. 03:55
    

    Eminem

    Who's this? To Shady from Santa. That's crazy. A PS5? I didn't even ask for this. I guess Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You up.