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April's Christmas
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
April is delighted to catch Santa delivering her presents, but he calmly announces that he cannot leave a witness alive. She pleads for her life while he discusses the practicalities, lets her look at a gift and prepares to finish the job. Remembering his memory-erasing powder appears to offer an escape, until the substance turns out to be ordinary glitter. The routine continues beneath the closing credits, ending with Santa addressing the audience.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
This is just Christmas business.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:08
April
Santa!
- 00:10
Santa Claus
Oh boy.
- 00:13
April
You are real! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!
- 00:17
Santa Claus
Yes, of course I'm real. Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas. It's April, right?
- 00:25
April
Yes. Santa! Oh, I love you!
- 00:28
Santa Claus
Yes, I love you too, April. Why don't we have a seat on the couch? I need to talk to you for a minute.
- 00:34
April
Oh, thank you.
- 00:35
Santa Claus
All right. April, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
- 00:43
April
Oh, no. What is it, Santa? No presents?
- 00:46
Santa Claus
Oh, no, you've got plenty of presents, April. The bad news is, you've seen me, and now I have to kill you.
- 00:56
Too
- 01:07
Santa Claus
You know too much. Six years ago, I let a boy in Belgium see me, and he told everyone, and then the press got hold of it, and those screwjobs hunted me down like a dog. I'm not going to let that happen again.
- 01:25
April
No, I'm not going to tell anybody, Santa.
- 01:28
Santa Claus
Oh, you bet you won't.
- 01:33
April
Well, what if I get up and I run?
- 01:36
Santa Claus
How far do you think you get, April? April, there's two feet of snow outside, and you're wearing skimpy Sears pajamas. I've got a fur suit with boots on. April, I'm basically dressed to hunt little girls down.
- 01:55
April
I'm gonna run and tell my parents.
- 01:58
Santa Claus
Well, please do. I need you all in the same room. I've got to kill them, too.
- 02:04
April
But why them? They didn't even see you.
- 02:08
Santa Claus
Well, they're going to start asking a lot of questions, like who killed their kid on Christmas. Won't be hard to figure out, April.
- 02:16
Santa Claus
My DNA's all over the place. My saliva's on that glass of milk. I've been dropping beard hair since I came down your chimney, which is filthy. I even took a dump in your guest bathroom.
- 02:31
Santa Claus
So, April, how do you want it? Do you want to see it coming, or would you like to face the tree?
- 02:39
April
Santa! Senator! I've been a good girl all year.
- 02:43
Santa Claus
Oh, yes, very good. You've got some very nice gifts.
- 02:46
April
Oh, but I'm never even going to get to see him.
- 02:50
Santa Claus
Oh. Oh, would you like to play with one of your gifts, take a look at it for a minute before i take you out all
- 03:01
April
Okay.
- 03:03
Santa Claus
right try the big one
- 03:05
April
oh you're not gonna shoot me in the back of the head are you
- 03:09
Santa Claus
oh april i'm not a hit man this is just christmas business and open open the big one
- 03:18
April
there's It's a Polly Pony Glamour Ranch!
- 03:26
Santa Claus
There's a little beauty parlor in the barn right there okay
- 03:31
April
it's beautiful!
- 03:33
Santa Claus
Yes!
- 03:33
April
And I just really want it!
- 03:35
Santa Claus
that's enough it's time they
- 03:43
April
But I'm never even going to get to play with it.
- 03:46
Santa Claus
They got toys in heaven face the tree at
- 03:50
April
Santa, do you see the Christmas ornament I made of you on the tree? I made that in my crafts school I told everybody I was making it for Santa Claus and they laughed and said you didn't exist every I know you did, and on Christmas you visit every child and you feel their house not just the a presence, but with a love that warms and comforts them.
- 04:22
Santa Claus
You're a bright and special child, April, but I still have to smoke you.
- 04:28
April
Don't Don't you have a magic powder that you sprinkle on people to make forget.
- 04:42
Santa Claus
As a matter of fact, I do.
- 04:47
April
Why do you have to kill me?
- 04:49
Santa Claus
I guess I don't. Okay, now where is that magic powder?
- 04:56
April
Oh, please find the powder.
- 04:57
April
Please Please, when they're better.
- 05:01
Santa Claus
Nope, I don't have it on me. I'm sorry, I can just picture it sitting on my bureau.
- 05:06
April
Oh, crap.
- 05:10
Santa Claus
Ho, ho, ho, I'm just kidding, April. Look, here it is right here. I had it all the time. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Yes, Santa can tell a joke, huh? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- 05:25
Santa Claus
All right. And since this makes you forget everything, I might as well tell you I bang your mother every year.
- 05:37
Santa Claus
Christmas. Merry Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Christmas. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas. All
- 05:51
April
Santa, it's you!
- 05:53
Santa Claus
All right, this is just my normal glitter. I'm sorry, April.
- 05:57
April
No, Santa.
- 05:59
Look at that. are going away.
- 06:06
Santa Claus
As long as... As long as we're having people forget about things, why don't you forget about a little show called Saturday Night Live?
- 06:16
I love Christmas. Thank you.
The rabbit hole continues
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