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Santa's Workshop / The Ratings Man

Mr. Show with Bob and David 1997 Season 3 Episode 2

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Bob and David visit Santa to check their television ratings, then discover why he cannot quit his Christmas job.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Bob and David travel to the Ratings Man, who also happens to be Santa Claus. He explains that monitoring television audiences helps cover the costs of Christmas, then quietly reveals that an armed man has forced him to remain Santa for centuries. The hosts appear to leave, but return to help him escape. Their rescue ends Christmas and leads into a snowy weather report presented by Tatiana.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 5

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

And never die, see, or you'll get it!

ScriptEnglish · 27 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:00
Bob Odenkirk
Okay, are you done? Let's go check the ratings man.
00:03
Let's go!
00:03
David Cross
Let's go to the ratings man!
00:05
Speaker 1
It's a flea it's a very old very old jolly day in the ratings man we shall see. With a ho, ho, ho, if you watch us, let's watch TV. With a quick, quick, whoa, and a zing, zing, zong, oh, we're ratings man. will go!
00:30
Bob Odenkirk
Hey, ladies and gentlemen!
00:33
Santa Claus
Marvin David, how Good to see you. Oh, how you grown! come boys, sit on my lap.
00:44
Bob Odenkirk
Hey, ratings man, show us the ratings.
00:47
Santa Claus
Well, your ratings are up this year, boys, because you've been very good.
00:51
Yay!
00:54
David Cross
Hey, um, how can you be Santa and the ratings man?
00:58
Santa Claus
Well, David, when I'm checking to see who's naughty or nice, I'm also checking to see what people are watching on TV. You see, the Santa job pays shit. So the ratings job covers my overhead.
01:14
Bob Odenkirk
So why don't you just quit the Santa thing?
01:17
Santa Claus
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! I love the Santa job! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
01:23
Santa Claus
Listen closely. There's a guy in the closet with a gun trained at my head. If he thinks anything's wrong, he'll kill me.
01:30
David Cross
What are you talking about?
01:32
Santa Claus
Oh, you're a good boy!
01:34
Santa Claus
I am not screwing around here. This guy has forced me to play Santa for over 500 years. You've got to help me.
01:44
Bob Odenkirk
Okay. Okay, ratings man.
01:46
David Cross
All right.
01:46
Bob Odenkirk
We're leaving now, ratings man.
01:48
David Cross
We're leaving.
01:49
Santa Claus
Okay, boys.
01:51
Man with Gun
You done good there, pops. Smart, real smart. Now you just keep being Santa, see? And never die, see? Or you'll get it.
02:13
Santa Claus
Thank I'm free! I'm finally free! you, boys. Thank you. I'm free. I'm free.
02:23
Man with Gun
You idiots. Have you any idea what you've done?
02:33
Speaker 2
Santa had been freed. And so there was no Christmas. It was a terrible, terrible winter. The winter snows came and buried the Northeast.
02:45
Tatiana, the Weather Hermaphrodite
If you look at our action weather radar, you can see there's quite a storm coming from over here. I'm Tatiana, the weather hermaphrodite. Mother Nature is full of surprises.