White House Christmas Cold Open

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02
   

   Kellyanne Conway

   Mr. Mr. President, are you sure that you don't want to stay at the Christmas party longer? Because everyone is celebrating this huge tax bill. Mitch McConnell is serving everyone bourbon. I got so drunk I told the truth.

2. 00:32
   

   Donald Trump

   Sorry, Kellyanne, I'm in pouty baby mode. This Flynn investigation has really gotten me down.

3. 00:38
   

   Kellyanne Conway

   Oh, come on, sir. The tax bill is your biggest achievement yet, in that it is your only achievement.

4. 00:44
   

   Donald Trump

   Sorry, I'm not in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that cheers me up are these hilarious muslin videos that I've been retweeting. Like Scrooge says, barf Hamburg.

5. 00:55
   

   Kellyanne Conway

   So, please, you go ahead and enjoy the party. Okay. Anything I can get you before I go?

6. 00:59
   

   Donald Trump

   Uh, yes, one little thing. I want you to withdraw $5 million from my bank account and put it in a duffel bag with my passport, a fake mustache, and a bucket of chicken.

7. 01:08
   

   Kellyanne Conway

   Okay, no problem, sir. Good night.

8. 01:11
   

   Donald Trump

   Thank you, Kellyanne. This is the time I'd like to reflect on all the good things I've done this year it'll only take a minute Oh wait, what's that?

9. 01:26
   

   Michael Flynn

   Donald J. Trump! Donald J. Trump!

10. 01:31
    

    Donald Trump

    Oh, God, you've come to get me? I knew it. It's the Muslim stuff, right?

11. 01:34
    

    Michael Flynn

    No.

12. 01:35
    

    Donald Trump

    It's for calling Mexicans rapists?

13. 01:37
    

    Michael Flynn

    No.

14. 01:37
    

    Donald Trump

    The Roy Moore stuff?

15. 01:38
    

    Michael Flynn

    No.

16. 01:38
    

    Donald Trump

    Draft dodging?

17. 01:39
    

    Michael Flynn

    No.

18. 01:39
    

    Donald Trump

    The birther stuff?

19. 01:40
    

    Michael Flynn

    No.

20. 01:40
    

    Donald Trump

    Pocahontas?

21. 01:41
    

    Michael Flynn

    No.

22. 01:41
    

    Donald Trump

    The Central Park Five? No. Wait, making fun of the handicap reporter like this?

23. 01:44
    

    Michael Flynn

    No. Sir, sir, I'm not I'm not here for any of that.

24. 01:50
    

    Donald Trump

    So who are you, Jacob Marley? You've got a lot of chains on.

25. 01:53
    

    Michael Flynn

    No, I'm Michael Flynn, the ghost of Witness Flipped. Mr. President, I came to warn you. It's time for you to come clean for the good of the country.

26. 02:03
    

    Donald Trump

    The what? The good of the?

27. 02:05
    

    Michael Flynn

    The good of the country.

28. 02:06
    

    Donald Trump

    The good of the come, come?

29. 02:09
    

    Michael Flynn

    This is serious, sir. The FBI got to me. Before all this, I had a great life, Donald. I was an honorable, twice-fired military man who loved to talk about how Hillary Clinton had a child sex ring in a pizza shop.

30. 02:22
    

    Donald Trump

    Oh, Mike, you were my man. You led the lock her up cheer at the convention. Who knew you had so much dirt on you in your past? If only somebody had warned me about you.

31. 02:31
    

    Michael Flynn

    Well, President Obama did tell you not to hire me.

32. 02:34
    

    Donald Trump

    I meant someone who's American.

33. 02:37
    

    Michael Flynn

    Mr. President, there's a lot of people from your past that could come back to haunt you. Tonight, you will be visited by three of them. There's the first one now!

34. 02:47
    

    Donald Trump

    Billy Bush!

35. 02:49
    

    Billy Bush

    Billy Bush! Mm-hmm. Yep. I'm here to remind you of that Access Hollywood tape, my man. Can you believe I got fired just for listening to you? Whoo! And then you got elected president, and now you're saying that that tape isn't even real? What?

36. 03:07
    

    Donald Trump

    You'll be fine, Billy. I'm sure you'll find work again.

37. 03:10
    

    Billy Bush

    Well, I-I hope so. Frankly, I'm looking pretty good in the NBC News division. Right about now. Remember, Donald, these things catch up with all of us. If you worked at NBC right now, you'd be fired. Fired! Fired!

38. 03:26
    

    Donald Trump

    Wait. Come back. Where'd you go?

39. 03:30
    

    Melania Trump

    Donald? Where did who go?

40. 03:32
    

    Donald Trump

    Melania, I'm sorry. I was just working.

41. 03:34
    

    Melania Trump

    Okay, we'll come down to the party. You have to see my decorations. It's a beautiful, festive hallway of dead branches and mysterious shadows, and then when you open the elevator, blood comes out.

42. 03:44
    

    Donald Trump

    Well, it sounds wonderful, but I'm so tired.

43. 03:47
    

    Melania Trump

    Okay, but Donald, we need someone to put up the manger scene. Mike Pence was going to do it, but his wife doesn't want him playing with dolls because she's afraid it will give him urges.

44. 03:57
    

    Donald Trump

    I'm sorry, Melania, I can't but you go. I'll be down in a minute. Oh no, it's happening again.

45. 04:08
    

    Vladimir Putin

    Mr. Trump.

46. 04:13
    

    Donald Trump

    Oh, my, Vladimir. You must be my present.

47. 04:16
    

    Vladimir Putin

    Of course. Donald, you can't hide from me. I see and hear everything you do.

48. 04:22
    

    Donald Trump

    Because you're a ghost?

49. 04:24
    

    Vladimir Putin

    Yes, I'm ghost. Listen, we put a lot of work into you, so much time and money, and you're about to mess it all up. You seem so volatile.

50. 04:34
    

    Donald Trump

    I'm sorry, Vladimir, but I promise I'll be more diplomatic with North Korea and that fat little psycho who runs it.

51. 04:40
    

    Vladimir Putin

    Whoa, Trump, you have to chill out, broski.

52. 04:43
    

    Donald Trump

    Vladimir, look, I've always wanted to ask you this. Do you think I'm cool?

53. 04:49
    

    Vladimir Putin

    Look, I have to go.

54. 04:50
    

    Donald Trump

    So that's a yes?

55. 04:52
    

    Vladimir Putin

    I just have to go. Someone else is coming. They're coming.

56. 04:58
    

    Michael Flynn

    Don't you see, Mr. President? Any one of these spirits could bring you down. But the scariest one is yet to come. Oh, no! It approaches.

57. 05:07
    

    Donald Trump

    Mike, I'm too scared to look. Oh, thank God, Steve Bannon.

58. 05:13
    

    Donald Trump

    You're here to save the day with your terrible white magic? Wait, who are you?

59. 05:20
    

    Hillary Clinton

    Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! Oh, oh! Tis I, Hillary Rodham Clinton! Ho, ho.

60. 05:34
    

    Hillary Clinton

    You, Donald, have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all. Sexual gratification in the form of your slow demise. You have no idea how long I've wanted to say this. Lock him

61. 05:47
    

    Donald Trump

    No!

62. 05:48
    

    Hillary Clinton

    up!

63. 05:52
    

    Donald Trump

    No! No!

64. 05:55
    

    Melania Trump

    Donald! Donald! Are you all right?

65. 05:57
    

    Donald Trump

    Oh, God, Melania, I'm so scared. These spirits, they showed me things. I know what I need to do now. I need to erase seasons 1 through 14 of The Apprentice. Fire Robert Mueller. And live from New York, it's Saturday night.