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Argument Clinic
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A man asks a receptionist for an argument and is sent to Mr. Barnard, who greets him with a torrent of insults before explaining that this room is for abuse and pointing him down the corridor. In Room 12A, Mr. Vibrating answers everything with a flat denial, and the customer's attempt to explain what a real argument is only draws more contradiction. A bell cuts the session short; once the man pays for more time, Mr. Vibrating insists he never paid and claims he might simply be arguing in his spare time. Looking to complain, the customer finds a man grumbling about his own worn-out shoes, then stumbles into Spreaders' being-hit-on-the-head lessons. Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police bursts in to arrest them for taking part in a strange sketch, Inspector Thompson's Gazelle arrests the entire show for ending sketches with a policeman, and he in turn is stopped by another officer and finally a hairy hand.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I'm sorry, this is abuse.
Argument's an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
John Cleese
Writer
Graham Chapman
Writer
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The sketch's audio was released on the 1972 LP Monty Python's Previous Record. The troupe later performed it live at the Hollywood Bowl (1980), at The Secret Policeman's Ball (1989) and in Monty Python Live (Mostly) (2014).
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Man
I'd like to have an argument, please.
- 00:01
Receptionist
Sir, have you been here before?
- 00:04
Man
No, this is my first time.
- 00:05
Receptionist
I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
- 00:10
Man
Well, what would be the cost?
- 00:12
Receptionist
Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
- 00:18
Man
Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there, OK?
- 00:22
Receptionist
Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment. Uh, Mr. Dubeck is free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Yes, sir. Try Mr Barnard, room 12.
- 00:32
Man
Thank you.
- 00:39
Mr. Barnard
What do you want?
- 00:41
Man
Well, I was told outside...
- 00:42
Mr. Barnard
Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
- 00:46
Man
What?
- 00:47
Mr. Barnard
Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me beaut! You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!
- 00:56
Man
Look! I came in here for an argument!
- 00:58
Mr. Barnard
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. This is abuse.
- 01:00
Man
Oh. Oh, I see. Well, that explains it.
- 01:04
Mr. Barnard
Yes. Oh, no, you want 12A next door.
- 01:06
Man
I see.
- 01:07
Mr. Barnard
Yeah. Sorry.
- 01:08
Man
Not at all.
- 01:09
Mr. Barnard
No, that's all right. Stupid git.
- 01:14
Mr. Vibrating
Coming.
- 01:16
Man
Is this the right room for an argument?
- 01:19
Mr. Vibrating
I've told you once.
- 01:21
Man
No, you haven't.
- 01:22
Mr. Vibrating
Yes, I have.
- 01:23
Man
When?
- 01:23
Mr. Vibrating
Just now.
- 01:24
Man
No, you didn't.
- 01:25
Mr. Vibrating
Yes, I did.
- 01:26
You didn't. I didn't. I'm not telling you I did. You did not.
- 01:29
Mr. Vibrating
Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a five-minute argument or the full half hour?
- 01:32
Man
Oh, oh, just the five-minute one.
- 01:34
Mr. Vibrating
Fine.
- 01:35
Man
Mmm. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
- 01:39
Mr. Vibrating
You most certainly did not.
- 01:41
Man
Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you.
- 01:44
Mr. Vibrating
You did not.
- 01:44
Man
Yes, I did.
- 01:45
Mr. Vibrating
You did not.
- 01:45
Man
Yes, I did.
- 01:46
Mr. Vibrating
Didn't.
- 01:46
Man
Yes, I did.
- 01:47
Mr. Vibrating
Didn't.
- 01:47
Man
Yes, I did. Look, this isn't an argument.
- 01:49
Mr. Vibrating
Yes, it is.
- 01:50
Man
No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.
- 01:52
Mr. Vibrating
No, it isn't.
- 01:52
Man
Yes, it is.
- 01:53
Mr. Vibrating
It is not.
- 01:53
Man
It is. You just contradicted me.
- 01:55
Mr. Vibrating
No, I didn't.
- 01:56
Man
Oh, you did.
- 01:57
Mr. Vibrating
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- 01:58
Man
You did just then.
- 01:59
Mr. Vibrating
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- 02:00
Man
Oh, look, this is futile.
- 02:01
Mr. Vibrating
No, it isn't.
- 02:02
Man
I came here for a good argument.
- 02:03
Mr. Vibrating
No, you didn't. You came here for an argument.
- 02:05
Man
Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
- 02:07
Mr. Vibrating
Can be.
- 02:07
Man
No, it can't. An argument's a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
- 02:12
Mr. Vibrating
No, it isn't.
- 02:13
Man
Yes, it is. It isn't just contradiction.
- 02:15
Mr. Vibrating
Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
- 02:18
Man
But it isn't just saying, no, it isn't.
- 02:20
Mr. Vibrating
Yes, it is.
- 02:20
Man
No, it isn't. Argument's an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
- 02:28
Mr. Vibrating
no it isn't
- 02:28
Man
yes it is
- 02:29
Mr. Vibrating
not at all
- 02:29
Man
no look
- 02:30
Mr. Vibrating
thank you
- 02:31
Man
what
- 02:34
Mr. Vibrating
that's it morning
- 02:38
Man
i was just getting interested
- 02:40
Mr. Vibrating
sorry the five minutes is up
- 02:42
Man
that was never five minutes just now
- 02:44
Mr. Vibrating
i'm afraid it was
- 02:45
Man
no it wasn't
- 02:45
Mr. Vibrating
sorry i'm not allowed to argue anymore
- 02:48
Man
what
- 02:50
Mr. Vibrating
if you want me to go on arguing i'll have to pay for another five minutes
- 02:53
Man
but that was never five minutes just now oh come on This This is ridiculous.
- 03:01
Mr. Vibrating
I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.
- 03:06
Man
Oh, all right. there There you are.
- 03:11
Mr. Vibrating
Thank you.
- 03:12
Man
Well?
- 03:15
Mr. Vibrating
Well, what?
- 03:15
Man
That was never five minutes just now.
- 03:17
Mr. Vibrating
I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.
- 03:18
Man
I just paid.
- 03:19
Mr. Vibrating
No, you didn't.
- 03:20
Man
I did! I did! I did! Look, I don't want to argue about that.
- 03:25
Mr. Vibrating
Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay.
- 03:26
Man
Aha! Well, if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Gotcha!
- 03:30
Mr. Vibrating
No, you haven't.
- 03:31
Man
Is that? If you're arguing, I must have paid.
- 03:33
Mr. Vibrating
Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
- 03:39
Man
I've had enough of this.
- 03:40
Mr. Vibrating
No, you haven't.
- 03:40
Man
Oh, shut up.
- 03:46
Man
I want to complain.
- 03:47
Complainer
You want to complain? Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks now.
- 03:50
Man
No, I want to complain about the man...
- 03:51
Complainer
If you complain, nothing happens. You might as well not bother him. My back hurts. Whenever you have a fun day...
- 03:55
Man
I want to... Oh!
- 03:57
Spreaders
Hold your head like this and then go... Try it again.
- 04:01
Man
Oh!
- 04:02
Spreaders
Better, better, but...
- 04:03
Wow! Wow!
- 04:04
Spreaders
Hold your hands here!
- 04:05
No! Ah!
- 04:07
Spreaders
That's it! That's it! Good!
- 04:08
Man
Stop hitting me!
- 04:09
Spreaders
What?
- 04:09
Man
Stop hitting me!
- 04:11
Spreaders
Stop hitting you?
- 04:12
Man
Yes.
- 04:12
Spreaders
Well, what are you coming here for?
- 04:14
Man
I came here to complain.
- 04:15
Spreaders
Oh, I'm sorry. That's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here.
- 04:19
Man
What a stupid concept.
- 04:21
Inspector Fox
Right, hold it there.
- 04:22
Man
What?
- 04:22
Inspector Fox
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police Comedy Division Special Flying Squad.
- 04:29
Man
Flying Fox of the Yard!
- 04:31
Inspector Fox
Shut up!
- 04:31
And you
- 04:36
Spreaders
He's good You could learn a thing or two from him
- 04:38
Inspector Fox
Right now, you two, me old beauties, you are nicked
- 04:41
Man
What for?
- 04:42
Inspector Fox
I'm charging you under section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act
- 04:46
Man
The what?
- 04:47
Inspector Fox
You are hereby charged that you did willfully take part in a strange sketch That is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette Of an unconventional nature With intent to cause grievous mental confusion For the great British public
- 04:59
Evening all
- 04:59
Inspector Fox
Oh, and you, Thompson!
- 05:03
Spreaders
Wow! That's excellent!
- 05:04
Inspector Fox
Right, come on down the yard.
- 05:06
Speaker 1
Hold it, hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's gazelle of the Program Planning Police Light Entertainment Division Special Flying Squad.
- 05:14
Man
Flying Thompson's gazelle of the yard?
- 05:16
Speaker 1
Shut up!
- 05:17
Spreaders
He's good.
- 05:19
Speaker 1
Shut up!
- 05:19
Wow! Rotten. Ah! Good!
- 05:24
Speaker 1
Right, I'm arrested this entire show on three counts. One, acts of self-conscious behaviour contrary to the not-in-front-of-the-children act. Two, always saying it's so-and-so of the yard every time the fuzz arrives. And three, and this is the cruncher, offences against the getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline act. Namely, simply ending every pleading sketch by just having a policeman come in and...
- 05:51
Wait a minute!
- 05:52
Hold it.
- 05:53
It's a fair cop.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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