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Cheese Shop
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A bookish customer (John Cleese) strolls into Henry Wensleydale's cheese emporium, where a bouzouki player strums while two men in bowler hats dance, and announces in elaborate language that he would like some cheese. The cheerful proprietor (Michael Palin) has an excuse ready for every request: sold out, still on order, held up by a broken-down delivery van, or eaten by the shop cat. The customer works through dozens of British, French and continental cheeses, then a made-up Venezuelan one, losing patience with the dancing until he orders the music stopped. When he finally presses the shopkeeper on whether the shop has any cheese at all and the answer turns to no, he shoots him, mourns the waste and puts on a cowboy hat as the scene turns into a western.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I don't care how excrementally runny it is.
Venezuelan beaver cheese? / Not today, sir, no.
Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
What a senseless waste of human life.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
John Cleese
Writer
Graham Chapman
Writer
Ian MacNaughton
Director
Ian MacNaughton
Producer
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
John Cleese and Graham Chapman wrote the sketch after Cleese, seasick from a day's filming at Folkestone Harbour, said on the drive back that he fancied some cheese. Forty-three cheeses are named in the original television version, including the made-up Venezuelan Beaver Cheese. The sketch was later re-recorded for the album The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief and revived as a coda to the Dead Parrot sketch at Monty Python Live (Mostly) in 2014.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:30
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Morning, sir.
- 00:32
Mr. Mousebender
Morning. Um, I I was, er, sitting in the public library in Surman Street just now, er, skimming through rogue herries by, er, Horace Walpole when I, um, suddenly came over all peckish.
- 00:46
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Peckish, eh?
- 00:47
Mr. Mousebender
Isuriant.
- 00:48
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Eh?
- 00:49
Mr. Mousebender
Yeah, but all of them really like.
- 00:51
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Ah, hungry.
- 00:53
Mr. Mousebender
In a nutshell, sir, I thought to myself, a little fermented curd will do the trick. So I curtailed my wall-polling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
- 01:07
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Come again?
- 01:08
Mr. Mousebender
I want to buy some cheese!
- 01:10
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Ah! I thought you were complaining about the music.
- 01:13
Mr. Mousebender
Heaven forbid, I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
- 01:19
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Sorry?
- 01:20
Mr. Mousebender
I like a nice dance you've forged, Dean. Anyway, who said that? Oh, my good man, some cheese, please.
- 01:26
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, certainly, sir. What would you like?
- 01:28
Mr. Mousebender
Well, uh, how about a little Red Leicester?
- 01:31
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
- 01:33
Mr. Mousebender
Never mind. How are you on Tilsit?
- 01:36
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
- 01:39
Mr. Mousebender
Tish-tish. No matter. Um, well, four ounces of caffini, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
- 01:47
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir. I was expecting it this morning.
- 01:51
Mr. Mousebender
Yes, it's not my day, is it? Uh, Belpais, sir?
- 01:54
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Sorry.
- 01:55
Mr. Mousebender
Red Windsor?
- 01:56
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
I'd normally say yes, but today the band broke down.
- 01:59
Mr. Mousebender
Ah. Stilton?
- 02:01
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Sorry.
- 02:02
Mr. Mousebender
Gruyère, Emmental?
- 02:04
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:04
Mr. Mousebender
Any Norwegian Jarlsburger?
- 02:07
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:08
Mr. Mousebender
Liptar?
- 02:08
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:09
Mr. Mousebender
Lancashire?
- 02:10
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:10
Mr. Mousebender
White Stilton?
- 02:11
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:12
Mr. Mousebender
Danish Blue?
- 02:13
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:14
Mr. Mousebender
Double Gloucester?
- 02:15
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:17
Mr. Mousebender
Cheshire?
- 02:17
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:18
Mr. Mousebender
Any Dorset Blue Vinny?
- 02:19
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:20
Mr. Mousebender
Brie, Rockefeller?
- 02:22
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 02:22
Mr. Mousebender
Pont-de-Vecq, Pont-Salou, Savoyard, Saint-Paul, Carré-de-Leste, Boursin, Brest-Bleu, Pelle-de-Champagne, Camembert
- 02:32
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Ah, we do have some Camembert
- 02:33
Mr. Mousebender
You do, excellent
- 02:35
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
It's a bit runny, sir
- 02:37
Mr. Mousebender
Oh, I like it runny
- 02:40
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Well, as a matter of fact, it's very runny, sir
- 02:43
Mr. Mousebender
No matter, no matter Hand over la fromage de la belle France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plaît
- 02:50
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
I think it's runnier than you like it, sir
- 02:52
Mr. Mousebender
I don't care how excrementally runny it is Hand it over with all the speed
- 02:56
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, sir Oh!
- 02:59
Mr. Mousebender
What?
- 03:00
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
The cat's eaten it
- 03:03
Mr. Mousebender
Fuzzy, she's left Goudar?
- 03:06
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No
- 03:07
Mr. Mousebender
Edam?
- 03:07
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No
- 03:08
Mr. Mousebender
Caseless?
- 03:08
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No
- 03:09
Mr. Mousebender
Smoked Austrian?
- 03:10
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No
- 03:10
Mr. Mousebender
Sage Darby?
- 03:12
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No, sir
- 03:12
Mr. Mousebender
You do have some cheese, do you?
- 03:14
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Certainly, sir It's a cheese shop, sir We've got...
- 03:16
Mr. Mousebender
No, no, no, no, don't tell me I'm keen to guess
- 03:19
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, fair enough.
- 03:21
Mr. Mousebender
Wensleydale?
- 03:22
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, sir.
- 03:23
Mr. Mousebender
Splendid! Well, I'll have some of that then, please.
- 03:25
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought you were referring to me, Mr. Wensleydale.
- 03:31
Mr. Mousebender
Gorgonzola?
- 03:32
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 03:32
Mr. Mousebender
Parmesan?
- 03:33
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 03:33
Mr. Mousebender
Mozzarella?
- 03:34
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 03:34
Mr. Mousebender
Pippa creme?
- 03:36
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 03:36
Mr. Mousebender
Any Danish fimbo?
- 03:38
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 03:39
Mr. Mousebender
Czechoslovakian sheep's milk cheese?
- 03:40
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 03:42
Mr. Mousebender
Venezuelan beaver cheese?
- 03:43
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Not today, sir, no.
- 03:45
Mr. Mousebender
Well, let's keep it simple. How about cheddar?
- 03:49
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it round these parts, sir.
- 03:53
Mr. Mousebender
It's the single most popular cheese in the world.
- 03:56
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Not round these parts, sir.
- 03:58
Mr. Mousebender
And, pray, what is the most popular cheese round these parts?
- 04:02
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Ilchester, sir.
- 04:04
Mr. Mousebender
I see.
- 04:05
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, sir, it's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
- 04:08
Mr. Mousebender
Is it?
- 04:09
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, sir, it's our number one seller.
- 04:10
Mr. Mousebender
Is it?
- 04:11
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, sir.
- 04:13
Mr. Mousebender
Ilchester, eh? Right. OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no
- 04:22
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
I'll have a look, sir
- 04:25
Mr. Mousebender
It's not much of a cheese shop really, is it?
- 04:33
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Mine is in the district, sir
- 04:34
Mr. Mousebender
And what leads you to that conclusion?
- 04:36
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Well, it's so clean
- 04:37
Mr. Mousebender
Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese
- 04:41
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir
- 04:45
Mr. Mousebender
Is it worth it?
- 04:46
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Could be
- 04:48
Mr. Mousebender
OK Have you got... WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DOZING UP!
- 04:56
Dancer
I told you so.
- 04:59
Mr. Mousebender
Have you got any Limburger?
- 05:01
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 05:01
Mr. Mousebender
No, that figures. It's pretty predictable really. It was an act of pure optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something. Do you have any cheese at all?
- 05:11
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
Yes, sir.
- 05:12
Mr. Mousebender
Now, I'm going to ask you that question once more. And if you say no, I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?
- 05:20
Mr. Henry Wensleydale
No.
- 05:21
Mr. Mousebender
What a senseless waste of human life.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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